NESS (The Revenge of Ness ‘Arggggg’)

The students of Sabo Eleran Community Grammar School watched with surprise and ecstasy as an average aged looking man walked into the big school field where and while they held their assembly that Monday morning with a long brown cane shaking vigorously in his hand. It was when the man turned around to speak to the little boy trudging after him before everyone could guess who the man was.

‘Which of them is the Principal?’ He asked the boy.

‘There on the podium.’ Ness pointed at the big fat woman standing in front of the students, she had been addressing the students before the man came in, and had now been abruptly put aback by their abrupt interruption.

‘Good morning ma.’ Ness’ father said as soon as he mounted the podium and stood beside the woman amusingly. The students and teachers began to mumur with excitement. A rare scene that would forever be told in the history of SEGS was about to unfold.

‘Good morning sir.’ The Principal said with a British intonation. ‘May I help you?’

‘Yes, my son said you expelled him because he slapped a teacher’s buttocks.’ There was a loud roar of laughter among the students and some of the teachers also tried to bury their giggles too. ‘I came here to deal with him rightly’

Without waiting for the Principal to say anything, Ness’ father descended three strokes of cane on his son.

‘Sir, your son did not do that.’ The Principal interrupted after the second stroke.

‘Heh? So, I have flogged him for an offence he did not commit?’ There was increased laughter among the teachers. ‘Ooh, unfortunately, I am never sorry. Ness!’

‘Yes sir!’ Ness responded reflexively.

‘I have flogged you for an offence you did not commit, now go ahead and commit it, so that it would be a balanced equation.’

Ness moved closer to his Miss. Williams and attempted the unthinkable, the latter fled and held unto the Principal for defence. Ness followed her towards the Principal, and when he saw that the older woman wasn’t ready to give him a chance to fulfil his father’s task, Ness slapped the Principal’s buttocks instead.

Roars filled the hall, as the whole congregation were amazed.

‘Oh my gosh! Nes you did not just do that did you?’ The Principal inquired surprisingly as she held her back.

‘Ness. You are a stupid boy. I flogged you for slapping a teacher not a Principal. Now come over here to balance the punishment for your offence.’ He gave his son two more strokes and turned to the Principal. ‘Now, what was his offence?’

With her hands still tightly clutching her backside, and the furious face still stiff in a frown, she shouted, ‘I didn’t expel your son before, I told him to return to Primary 1 but now I would take the former step.’

‘Chai! Repeat Primary 1 again? That is worse than expelling him. Principal, please tell me, what was his offence?’

‘Your son does not know what a mammal is. Does not know what class of food corn belongs to, does not know if it is right to wash our hands before eating,. . . does not know anything!’

The teachers used their canes to make the other students keep mute, and they all watched the drama on the stage.

‘Is that all?’

‘Jeez! Isn’t that worth it?’

‘Oooh, you this alakowe {learned} people sef, your own too much. Do you know anything?’

‘Me?’ The Principal became more furious, ‘Why not?’

‘Oya,’ Ness’ father’s started, ‘spell this. . .’ He bent over on his knees and let out a fart from his bowels. The odoriferous smell soon filled the air and both the teachers and students had to cover their nostrils.

The Principal stared blankly, ‘ What? You expect me to spell a fart?’

‘Yes, if you can.’

‘I can’t’ She protested, ‘nobody can!’

‘And then you call yourself learned, hahahahaha. Okay, if that is too tough, spell this. . .’ He coughed loudly.

‘What, you expect me to spell a cough? You must be out of your mind!’

The students hummed ridiculously at the principal, and it was embarrassing that she could not produce an answer to the man’s question.

‘Spell it, spell it!’ The students soon roared but the teachers succeeded after much effort in keeping the students calm.

‘Finally, please spell this. . .’ He belched

‘You are a stupid man. Who can ever spell a belch?’

The man began to make her sound more stupid by his ridiculing laughter, and then the students began to chant, ‘Spell it! Spell it!!’

The teachers succeeded to keep them calm once again, even though they all found the scenario amusing.

Mr. Ben; the teacher that was most recognised for flogging students stood up and whispered quietly amongst the students; ‘Your principal is an olodo!’ Then the students began to chorus it loudly and incessantly;

‘Principal Olodo! Principal Olodo!!’

Ness loved the scenario, it was a perfect revenge, he realized that revenge really was sometimes best served hot. The same way the students had chanted against him the previous day, they now chanted against the principal.

The scene couldn’t have happened anywhere else in the world except Ness’ dream. With all the impossibilities connecting perfectly, even Ness knew in the middle of it all, that it was a stark dream.

His eyes delivered him as soon as he realised he was dreaming, and the same eyes darted quickly at the wall clock in his room, the time was 8:16am, and he was once again late for school.

Today, Ness would be starting Primary One again as the principal had promised, and worse still, he would be starting school by getting flogged by Mr. Ben for coming late to school.


The End

7 thoughts on “NESS (The Revenge of Ness ‘Arggggg’)” by Levuz (@Levuz)

  1. I couldn’t bypass this beautiful funny piece crafted and shared by the truly creative @levuz. I can’t stop reading and laughing :)

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      @innoalifa, #BBEL (Best NS Brother Ever Liveth), thanks for reading this too, and for staying glued to The Ness Series.

      1. @Levuz, your words
        sharper than swords
        sparks my natural creativity
        and enlivens my true ingenuity

  2. thank goodness you concluded that it was a dream. i was beginning to question the unrealistic series of events.

    funny story though….a bit extreme.

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      Personally, I really do not like extreme jokes. Thanks for reading, I hope to caution next time.
      You are right, even though anything happens in dreams, the extremity is still not justifiable. Thanks for reading and commenting. @Afronuts

  3. LMAO… To have had such a dream, Ness must have read something like “Like Father Like Son” before bed..

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