And so it was, there was absolutely no way I could get away from this, except of course Ben Carson knocks on the door to comment on his last surgery but let’s face it, as this point, that is tantamount to impossible.
“Why am I even asking what this is? It’s not use for anything other than what it’s been used for” dad snapped at me, clenching his fist, twisting it and biting his lower lip as he walked slowly towards me (off camera….biting of his lip is the evidence of his apex anger) while I just stood there, frozen with a sudden envy for Lot’s wife (read your bible, you’ll know why).
“Okay, you have started having sex uhn. You are ready to be a father abi. Do you know condoms are 75 percent effective and if it leaks, nine months later you are Baba Segun. Is that what you want… ehn? Answer me” dad screamed at me though lowly as not to wake the others.
*75 percent uhn? That’s why I use two, 150 over 100… I think I beat the odds* I thought to myself.
First I wanted to copy all those American films and start shouting, forming vex and saying “dad, I’m old enough to have sex. This is my personal decision and I can do anything I wish with my body and I would really love it if you respect my privacy and mind your business” but then again, I’m a West-African West-Nigerian black boy with black parents. Do the math.
“Actually, I wouldn’t lie about what it is but you should know I have never used it. Today was meant 1st time but I couldn’t mask the courage to do it knowing how disappointed you’ll be when you find out about it” (just between us, by 1st I meant 111th time) I explained with a perfect Alaba standard fake remorse face.
I wouldn’t want to bore you with the gory details of the back and forth explanation but all you should know is that I received a hot slap, which in fact I did not feel because all that was on my mind was the sleep I wanted to catch.
Eventually, I got to have that sleep I had longed for, though I knew it was not over between me and him.
“Babe, you fuck up oh, na God no talk say make I no use that Viagra or na baseball I for dey take my bronchus play now. Abeg no fuck up oh, 8pm today. Bye” I said leaving a message in Shade’s voicemail before I had my sleep.
At 4 pm that day at the George’s residence, things were going as normal. Mrs Penny was cooking her famous paella. It’s a Spanish dish that consist of rice, shrimp, and sea food in general. It’s basically like a rice salad. Truthfully, that’s the only Spanish dish she can cook so she takes delight in making it once a week. Back to the discussion, yeah, mom is cooking, Aderemi is inside her room skyping with God knows who. All I know is hear different waves of giggling and laughter whenever I pass by her room. I’m sure you know the laughter I’m talking about. Well, I’m writing what you’re reading right now and Adejoke should be on her way from school. It’s a stone-throw from our place.
Oh! Speak of the angel (not devil), Adejoke is home. “Good evening everybody, Mum, guess what?” I saw dad with a bitch” joke said while walking straight to the fridge for chocolate. And yes, there was a moment of silence.
“WHAT!!! Don’t say that. Where did you learn that filthy word young girl” mum replied as she left the knife she was using to cut the onions.
“It’s not filthy, it’s the truth. I saw her” joke replied.
“Hope this isn’t one of your jokes because if it is, its damn too expensive!” mum shouted. “No it isn’t, I even shook her sef. He’s bringing her home. He’s talking with Mr Chukwuma that’s why he isn’t here already” replied joke.
“Oh! I see” said mum as she picked up the knife and smacked her lips. “is she old or young?” she asked
“Very young and beautiful too, with great hair” joke replied (oh…she added gas to the fire). I just couldn’t bear for Remi to miss this; it’s going to be legendary. “Remi, come downstairs, now” I shouted to get her attention and down she came. “What? Why did you disturb my skyping?” she asked rudely, Remi-style. “trust me, what is about to happen in the next five minutes is going to be way more interesting than any episode of real husbands of Hollywood you are ever going to watch” I replied with a grin on my face.
“Mum, the reason why I told you about this is because I know you don’t bitches especially when they are around dad since he will share the same bed with you at the end of the day. Also, he was cuddling her” joke said while eating her chocolate.
“Oh my gosh! Okay, no problem and you joke, stop saying the word bitch. I get the message already. Okay?” she said in a more sober tone. Oh, i felt for her.
Yes! The time we all have been waiting for. Five minutes later, dad walked in unaware of all that has occurred at home.
“Darling, food smells good, how are you, and you children” he said while dropping his laptop bag on the chair. Mum sprinted out of the kitchen
“Don’t darling me. Where’s the bitch you brought? Tell me?” she asked with anger, teary eyes and both her hands on her waist. Startled at this, he answered “how did you know about that”.
“That’s not what you should be worried about. Where is the BITCH?” she asked with a little less teary eyes and a little more anger. “Okay, since you are bent on knowing, she’s in the car. Didn’t want to bring her in because I know you don’t like them” dad answered still looking perplexed.
Walahi, the next thing I heard was a loud ‘kkkkpppppppppppaaaaaaaaaa’. Yes, it was the sound of my mum’s hand clashing with my dad’s cheek.