I’ve always been a happy kid. Got good grades, looked good ,ate good food, looked good, felt good, had good organs, smelt good, looked good, e.t.c.
I was a happy baby 17 years ago.
I was happy in Primary School.
Very happy in Secondary School.
Then I got into the University (pause).
I came across things.
I came across lecturers, bad genes, depressing body odour, hairdos that smelt like ass, lecturers, the Benin accent, people ugly enough to traumatize 2-year olds, cats, lecturers , I’m sure you get the point.
But there was this one…..Fred.
Fred was like some sort of relative of Satan. On the maternal side, probably an uncle.
If someone asks you to define evil, you pull his picture out of thin air, and you hand it to the person.
He is evil spelt backwards which actually makes no sense, but when my roommate who by the way is hazardously stupid, pointed that out to me, I drop kicked him off a balcony.
I’ve always been afraid of the possibility of gay livestock and getting humped by ghosts. You don’t know if you’re getting humped right now, they’re invisible, but I digress.
Back to Fred…
He always has this “I’ll throw a truck at you if you look in my general direction, then I’ll run you over if you ever make it out of the hospital” kind of facial expression.
I’ve dreamt about Fred, I even made a song about Fred.
He looks like a mistake made in an illegal biochemical plant, that refused to die from radiation or something more dangerous like Reggae music or something….
Simply put, he looks like a cross between a biohazard and Chief Keef… which is just plain disturbing.
As I was saying,I have a big EGO that still fits into my BIG apartment, along with my other BIG belongings, and I still have enough room to contain my benign yet imbecilic roommate…who tolerates rats. I hate people who tolerate rats, but he pays all the rent, so I’ll keep him. It’s one of the things we nice people of the world do, we tolerate.
Now this uber-evil rat, Fred (oh by the way, Fred is a rat), will wait for me to wash my clothes, iron them and fold them. Then it’ll leave its hole and the rest of my VERY BIG apartment, search for the fresh scent of very expensive fabric conditioner along with the blood, sweat, tears and hard work I put into washing my clothes, and then piss on them. Not a single snowflake of decorum left in this little heathen’s heart ……
It’s gotta be a very patriotic rat though cuz it always leaves a map of some federation on my clothes. I like that in a rat, patriotism, but I digress.
The most annoying thing, it only comes out to mock you. When it’s proud of itself, it would just come out to see if it actually managed to piss you off. Like your anger was some sort of pat on the back for a job well done or something. Then it would vanish, and you wouldn’t see it until it wanted to piss you off again. It’s almost like this rat pisses you off just to stay healthy or to make ends meet or something, I don’t know. This rat just ruins your day, like a random moronic fat guy, sprinkling onions all over your ice cream; it’s that bad.
Osama bin Laden reincarnated as a rat, this rat….at least that’s what I think. Like he came back new and improved, like Osama 2.0 or something. He’s OSAMA FREAKIN’ BIN LADEN, he’s supposed to be in a tent in Afghanistan or Uzbekistan or one of those unprosperous countries pissing on their turbans or hiding in their beards, or moonwalking on their food, or in the White House pissing on Obama’s suits and his written speeches, or eating the wires on Wallstreet or in the Pentagon or somewhere, trying to crash the world’s economy, not in my apartment.
Now…..This rat is capable of more than I thought.
This was both surprising and disturbing.
Fred spoke (pause).
I can swear to an affidavit that the rat spoke.
I could hear the rat mocking me and threatening me at the same time (go figure), saying something like,
” Hey, you, ugly black buffoon..( which is completely ridiculous cuz I’m the most handsome thing this side of a mirror )..I’ll piss all over your important documents, and then I’ll do it again after I make you waste the little brain energy you have thinking of how to catch me. And then I’ll do it again. And I’ll give birth, and teach my children how to do it to your children….. And I’ll slap the slaves out of you if you lay a finger on any one of them, then I’ll piss on it.” This rat was obviously a racist.
And my roommate was like ‘WORD’ cuz he understood it too.
Then I slapped him unconscious.
…..Okay, the rat probably wasn’t talking, but I could see it in the way its whiskers were moving…they were saying something. I understand body language, it’s my gift, lol. That’s how I scaled through 1st semester with straight F’s, body language. Come late to class, sit at the back, never pay attention….body language.
So I ended up buying a trap, and then set it up with a little midnight snack for the little dimwit. Then I went to bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss, flung open the bathroom door and what I saw was a 10-inch rat (not a mouse, mind you, but a rat), sitting there with the trap IN ITS MOUTH (pause)…. Which set me thinking…. A couple of things came to mind ●I thought of calling the police, but they’d take too long to get here.● Then I thought of urinating in my pyjamas, and then thinking of what to do from there, but that was the rat’s job. I stared at it, it stared at me, then I couldn’t take it anymore. I immediately tried my famous rat-killing “smash you with a tube of toothpaste” move, but it easily overcame me with common sense and stepped aside, before walking away…… After the holocaust, I felt pretty stupid, so I went to eat.
The next morning, my roommate regained consciousness…..
The only thing that came to my mind that morning was ‘buy a BIGGER trap’ …. but I wasted all our toothpaste the night before, so I couldn’t brush my teeth….I still went out anyway.
After I got the new trap, I stopped at a joint to buy some meat and egusi to bait the rat trap with, but you see, multiple attempts were made at my life cuz my breath was highly offensive, which I found very insulting, so I knocked the woman out, tied her to a plate, and ran away with her food.
I stepped into my apartment reinforced. I started making incoherrent noises, did a war dance, punched the wall a couple of times, broke a window, threw a shoe at the caretaker, and then set up the trap with the bait…. I pretended to be asleep that night as I lay in wait…… 2 hours passed, and I began to doubt my awesomeness over the meat idea.
Well, we’re only human after all….
As I sat on my bed, naked, chewing the last piece of meat, I thought to myself , “screw that stupid rat, he’s never getting a taste of this.” Then I hit the sacks….
That night went to a good cause…
Now, I’ve seen buffoons, I’ve seen cretins, I’ve seen people that are sexually aroused by the smell of food, I’ve seen human beings that would’ve been more accomplished or would’ve had more self respect or would’ve been more appreciated if they were armpits or wood or something more degrading (pause)….but I’ve never seen anything dumber or more imbecilic than my roommate, inclusive of lizards.This guy is the dumbest thing with a pulse this side of reality. Please pray that your children never end up like this. This guy exhales ‘stupidity’, which makes no sense at all, thus proving my point. My roommate is what happens when a woman gives birth on the wrong end of the menstrual cycle. He probably produces 21 dumb thoughts per heartbeat. This guy does more dumb things before 6 a.m. than you will before your 40th birthday. This guy lacks enough common sense to see to his failure till the end of time. You know the famous fool Proverbs tried to familiarize us with, it was in anticipation of this goon.
How this buffoon didn’t get lost on his way out of the womb is beyond me. Why a supposedly sane doctor consented to bring this severe a FOOL into the world, I’ll never know. Justice obviously wasn’t served when the mother of this fool committed the crime she calls her son 18 years ago.
I mean, when I see this guy, I just feel like I need to go out and hurt lizards or some other innocent creatures just to relieve the tension, or like it’s my responsibility to pick up an SUV or a street light or something, and then start beating up random pedestrians who probably think that they’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to do with this idiot, and who definitely don’t want to have anything to do with this idiot , but who have probably in one way or another contributed to his present state; mostly through neglect….You probably get the picture by now, but if you don’t, or maybe you do and you just want to know more about this particular FOOL, you can PM me and I’ll elaborate further.
What actually made me to question this guy’s sanity was when he put half of our dinner on the floor as bait for the rat, without a trap, while whistling, in an attempt to lure the rat ( pause ), which made me to question my own sanity for even coming within visual range of this COMPLETE FOOL who is allegedly human and came from human parents, allegedly….which then made me to think of how politically correct the whistling was cuz it looked kind of homosexual, Fred being a male rat and all.
I think the rat took offense cuz I started seeing larger rat dump in my apartment with larger maps on my clothes, which probably meant that I was screwed for life….. I’m sure it was also like some sort of subliminal message from the rat that would’ve read something like this, (*in The Terminator’s voice*) “you’re apartment is under my control now, any attempt to take it back will lead to loss of money, health and self respect. Don’t do anything stupid, have a nice day.” I concluded that the rat had an education.
You’re probably waiting for the part of the story where poetic justice’ll be served, and I’ll assassinate the rat, then beat up my roommate and then euthanize him afterwards or something, or maybe the rat’ll call it quits, then retire and start earning pension or something, but no…. I’m still alive, thank GOD. And I still live with my dangerously stupid roommate-Ebahema, and Fred, the rat that pisses on my clothes (who I pray ends up in Hell).But we live in a parking lot now cuz the caretaker made like 22 attempts to shoot me after the whole shoe altercation…..And after all this, I still manage to stay handsome….somebody ask me how I do it.
Merry Christmas t(-___-t)