The Guest- Chapter 6

“Honey! Speak to me, where are you calling from? Joan asked.

“…. I am here with Tony- Tony.” stuttered Tim. “Ha-ha.. My good friend Tony.” Tim belched.

“Hold on I am coming.” said Joan.

“Don’t come I can find my way home.” Tim paused. But you need to know this secret… It is too much it is just too much and he dropped the call. “… poo.. poo..” the phone beeped.

“I have to go out for a while.” Joan paused, gestured politely, and fixed a warm gaze on Anna.

“You know your way out?”

“Yeah sure!” replied Anna, as she looked at Joan with a worried look that could melt a piece of rock.

Joan quickly got up from her seat and paced towards the door. She bumped into the large vase, beside her desk, squatted down, grabbed Anna’s hands and looked into her dilated pupils.

“Please can we meet tomorrow to discuss about your wedding, or better still you can table your ideas with my assistant, I have a family emergency.”

“And what is it? if I may ask.” asked Anna, as she tilted her head to the left, jumped up from her seat, and pulled her hands away from Joan’s.

“It’s Tim; I think he is in trouble.” Joan replied, hysterically,

“Don’t sulk now, it can’t be that bad.” Anna said, and immediately tapped Joan on her shoulder.

“No! It’s worse.” Joan replied.

“Tell me about it.” Anna Inquired.

“No I can’t, I just have to go.” as Joan ran her hands through her hair, swung open the door, walked past Bella’s Desk and headed towards the front door. Anna  followed behind with a catwalk step, a slow walking pace, and held Joan’s Planner in her hands, with a smile across her face.

Impulsively Anna received a tap from behind and, shook with fear.

“Em please ma! What is wrong with madam?” Bella inquired.

“I don’t know, she won’t tell me.” Anna turned towards Bella, and revealed a sad face trying not to arouse any suspicions and concealed the planner with her left hand by her pink flowing skirt.

“Do you know if she is coming back?” Bella asked with her right hand running through her forehead and her left hand across her hips.

“She told me she is not sure, and you should take care of everything.”

“OK.” said Bella

“I have to be going too, I have my manicure in the next hour, I will be back tomorrow.” Bella stared as Anna walked away from the scene.

“OK Ma!” Bella let out a really deep breath, while still motionless.

Joan arrived at TONY’s, and walked in. All the men present began to whistle, Tim with his face glued to the bar table, got up and started pointing to all of them in a cranky manner.

“I’m an army cadet….. all of you. I will shoot you if you whistle at my wife o.” Tim squiggled

“Come on Honey, time to go.” Joan shrugged Tim’s shoulder with her left palm and smiled.”but how can you be drinking in the afternoon?” she asked. She removed her gaze from Tim and looked towards Tony.

“Hi! Tony! Please could you help me lift this lumpy man from this place, I don’t think I can do it alone.”she stroked her car keys across the bar table.

“Sure, anything for you.” Tony said, as he wiped his hands across the bar table and came to the other end of the bar reserved for customers.

“You know I haven’t seen you in like; how many years now?” Tony stared at his fingers, looked at the ceiling, and tried to do sums with his fingers.

Joan intruded: “Eight years…”

“Wow! And you are still as pretty as the first day I saw you.” Tony smiled. “Yes! Thanks” Joan replied. “Well lets carry him out of here.” Joan insisted.

“I know i might be a bit not so friendly, but i don’t really have time to catch up, you know. Not right now”

“Sure!” replied Tony

He grabbed Tim’s shoulder and placed it under his, he looked behind while carrying Tim, and called to Jerry who sat at the base of the bar; “Jerry! Take over while i drop him off.”

Tim whispered in a sleepy tone; “I gave him Epinephrine instead of Acetazolamide, how else would his death be explained.” Tim smiled and placed his head on Joan’s shoulder. They both put him in the back seat, as he slept of and rubbed his right hand over his nose. Joan quickly shut the rear doors.

“I guess you are gonna leave his car here.” asked Tony, as he stared at Tim’s car, and ran his right hand across his chin.

“Yes, I will come back for It.” she paused. “Thanks for everything Tony.” Joan smiled

“No problem Jay.” Tony replied.

Joan shut her car door and pulled out of the drive way.

She got home , Titi ran towards Joan’s white coloured car, and slowly opened the door for Joan.

“Please help me with him.” Joan crawled out of the driver seat and opened the rear door wide.

“OK ma. But my hand is dirty o”

“Just carry him please.” Joan said, as she pulled him out of the back seat with Titi, and carried him on their shoulders into the house.

“I need to confess.” Tim said.

“No you need to sleep.” Joan replied as he was left on the couch to continue sleeping.

“Please don’t tell Gift about this.” Joan told Titi, with a sad face.

“OK ma! My mouth no go leak, ah swear.” Titi stamped her left feet and ran her right hand by her chest.

Meanwhile, Anna held Joan’s planner, outside the office premises. She picked a call with the voice at the other end.

“…..Beep…Do you have it?” The Voice asked.

“Yes! I have duplicated all the data in the planner into my drive. I will send it to you very soon.” she paused. “But Sir.. em..  are we gona kill these people? They seem like a really nice family.”

5 thoughts on “The Guest- Chapter 6” by Jacob Gad (@jacobGad)

  1. Although I get the general gist of the tale – some people are after the protagonist, Anna being their spy and all, but your writing makes it hard for one to follow smoothly.
    Some of your word choices are also off,
    ‘…Impulsively Anna recieved a tap… Impulse is an action that comes from within, so since she recieved a tap from another person, the adverb is wrong.
    Some descriptions are of no use;
    …Anna walked in a catwalk, a slow walking pace… This serves no purpose…Anna walked slowly would have done the job.

    Write your story, when you are through, take a scissors and cut off all the isshes.
    Well done, Gad. Keep writing.

  2. Jacob Gad (@jacobGad)

    the protagonist has always been Tim but the idea is that he is not perfect! but the un smoothness of my writing is it from dis chapter alone?

    1. Jacob Gad (@jacobGad)

      Nd thanks 4 your observations miss bubbilina i appreciate it.

  3. @jacobgad,

    The second half of this story was confusing to me. You did not clearly show that Tim was drunk; if this had been clearer, it would have helped me understand what was going on. You could have shown this by changing this:

    “Tim with his face glued to the bar table, got up and started pointing to all of them in a cranky manner.”

    into this:

    “Tim, who had been slumped forward on the bar table, rose unsteadily to a swaying stance and started pointing a trembling finger at all of them.”

    Also, some more stammering in Tim’s dialogue would help make this clearer.

    Please watch out for your capitalisations (“Planner”, “Desk”) and your punctuation.

  4. Jacob Gad (@jacobGad)

    Thanx tola! Will modify it in my notes and i must commend ur word usage and vocabulary!! Ur a ryl pro!

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