The president of the 68th session of the
Heads of state and government;
The secretary- general,
Ladies and gentlemen.
- On behalf of the government and people of the federal republic of Nigeria, I salute you all….HOW FAR?.
- Don’t mind the fact that one is spelt from right to left and the other is spelt from left to right, ASUU[the last ‘U’ is invisible] and USA are not different at all, they are both bullies. If you try one, it will go on strike. If you try the other, it will go on air strike. I do not believe that the solution to every problem is strike or air strike, but I do believe that Syria is out of line, not on the use of chemical weapon on its citizenry though, but on the UN charter of it not being right for a person that is Sad by name to rule a country. It is wrong, very wrong!. It is on this basis that my country, Nigeria, supported the overthrow of Saddam and will similarly give its support for the overthrow of Assad. One is sad by name at the beginning and the other is sad by name at the end.
- It is true that my people at home are complaining that the number of people I brought to New York city are too many. They say that because they are unaware that those 600 people are my following on twitter and on my popularity ratings. It is not possible these days, and so also was it in the days of our fathers, for people or a person to follow you and not be exactly where you are. I am in New York city and they are following me and so must be in New York city too.
- I am going to the American stock exchange tomorrow to ring either a Belle or a Bell. My prayer is that it is the American Belle called Beyonce. If God answers my prayer, I will show her that I like it and that I want it, by putting a ring on it.
- people have asked me what I feel is the difference between an American woman and an African woman. Well, what I observed is that the worst thing you can do to an American lady is the best thing you can do for an African woman…. The worst thing is to hurt her feelings but in Africa, the best thing is to Hut her feelings and she will make your Hut a home.
- people have also asked me why I wear a black hat like the WWE wrestler, The undertaker. Well, if you must know, my people are a very confused people. If for instance the hat I wear is red, they will say I want to promote the politics of HATRED, because they can not tell the difference between a RED HAT and HAT RED.
- I am now the strongest man in Nigeria. No one, not even Obasanjo can dare take me on. I am strong because, like every Oga at the top, everything around me is hard; Hard currency, hard criminals and the hardest of them all, made from the finest and hardest rock particles found in the giant of Africa; Aso rock!
- As Nigeria is for both Christians and Muslims, I have decided that the former policy of robbing Peter to pay Paul will be stopped, cause if you rob Peter to pay Paul, the money will still remain in the Bible; What I am trying to say is what I haven’t said and what I haven’t said is that once I rob Peter, it will end at that. That’s all.
- Every discussion that has a beginning must have an END OF DISCUSSION. it is for this reason that I shall order 53 gold plated END OF DISCUSSIONS for members of my cabinet for the commendable part they played in the discussion on how the nation will successfully celebrate its 53 independence day. APPLE company will be given the contract so that my easily confused people will think it is gold iPhones we ordered for.
- My corn tree, Nigeria, is a great corn tree. Some people think that nothing good can come out of a corn tree. Well, they are wrong. You can get corn from a corn tree, you can also get corn flakes. I remember when some people in America thought that nothing good can come from getting lemon in life till slavery brought Sunny Ade to America and they started getting lemonade. lemonade is the combination of Ade and lemon.
- I don’t always agree with my wife on some of the things that come out of her mouth but as I stand here today, and seeing so many independent corn trees, I am forced to agree with her that Nigeria and so many other great corn trees have gotten their independence and now it is time they stopped getting it. Enough is enough!
- There are some things you can simply not change in life. For example, there is no way you can prevent anyone or anything from having a mother. I cannot prevent corruption from having a mother and I will not even try cause corruption at MAXIMUM and at MINIMUM is corruption not being different but just having a mother at different levels. My government needs even be applauded for ensuring that we picked ‘MAXIMUM’; the slave who became a gladiator, the gladiator who defied an emperor, cause it is the best mother corruption can ever get.
- The PDP will never break!!!. nobody , not even me can break it cause it is so unlike the promise we made to the people.
- I hear another Mandela movie is in the works. I want to suggest Hollywood also make a movie about my people, especially that Hollywood came close to making one in the 80’s. the movie am talking about is the classic ‘JAWS’, if they had added the letter ‘I’, it would have been called ‘IJAWS’. I will like to star as the lead actor as, at present, I have no serious work. The part of the shark will be well played by ASARI DOKUBO. I will also convince AMEACHI and the other rebels to play the part of his first victims.
- I wish to take a minute here to thank my spit writer, KATE KARINDO. Her beautiful skills in spit writing has enabled me and several other past presidents of my great country to covertly and beautifully come here to spit on you all.
- Finally, I will be lying to you if I tell you that NEPA is working, or that EFCC is working, or that the fight on BOKO HARAM is working, or that me and my cabinet members are working but I can assure that prayer is working. It is the only thing that is and has always being working in Nigeria. And it is because of the working power of prayers that I can confidently tell the world that come 2015 elections in my country, I will come out victorious. I will not lose the elections no matter what, cause every Nigerian, including Buhari, is praying and prays for ‘good luck’ to succeed, those that don’t pray at least still wish good luck for themselves in all that they do and I am Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.
- Thank you.