Mickey Jay: Memoirs Of A Lagos Playboy (XVI)

Now, here’s the thing about Karma. It comes around and bites you in the arse when you least expect it. Everything was going right with the world and this certainly provided a false sense of security to me. That nagging feeling that something was about to go wrong had toned down a bit. And why not? We were having mad fun with life.

It was a thing of joy and pride to see the delightful shock on Tunde’s face when we finally took off the blindfold and the first thing he laid his eyes on since the drive to the venue at Ikeja were four pairs of huge and luscious breasts. It was a struggle to tear Amaka off him for she suspected I was up to something mischievous. She even threatened to take him with her to her bachelorette until I swore I would ensure he was in good hands and indeed, he was.

Miss Jade, Miss Daphne, Miss Emerald and Miss Pocahontas (not their real names of course) the four ladies who provided entertainment for the night took turns to show Tunde what he was saying goodbye to forever. We cheered him as they caressed his body and covered him with mind boggling teases, dances and mock sex motions. They made him theirs and he surrendered with joy. When they were done with him, they came after me as the organizer. My face was submerged in a sea of breasts as I plastered as many naira notes I came with on those mounds of pleasure and those beautiful bums that shook with reckless abandon within reach.

They moved to the next guy when they saw I realized my wallet was getting depleted. They went through all twenty two of us and every single person parted with naira notes while Austin upped the ante with dollars. Miss Jade paid him special attention and I knew there and then that he was eventually going to take Jade home.

After all the exotic dancing, we danced with the other girls Louis brought over; about 20 of them. Young and nubile ladies from Unilag and LASU, I guessed. We danced and drank till we (men of the inner circle) eventually held a round table conference with Tunde. We reminisced on good old times and threw good natured jibes at each other as the alcohol flowed freely. It got to a stage were we all got emotional. The love and comradeship we felt was palpable. Tunde started it all when he burst into tears of gratitude and whatever else and we, all under the influence followed suit. Louis, totally drunk and out of his mind, stood up rather unsteadily while we sobbed and gave us a look of contempt.

“Pussies!” He slurred. As he tried to move, he lurched forward and collapsed back into his seat and burst into tears. It took time to process why we were shedding tears and why Louis suddenly joined in. As the fog lifted a bit, the realization that we all were probably shedding tears for different reasons brought about a simultaneous and thundering volley of laughter.

As the night wore on, we had casualties from drinking. Tuoyo was the first to leave for the rest room. He never returned. When Louis went to take a pee, he saw Tuoyo in a pool of vomit. He notified us and we dumped him inside his car outside, making sure we took his keys in case he got any ideas of driving home in his condition. Austin was the designated camera man. He took embarrassing snap shots of everyone in their various moments of madness. He moved from place to place snapping away like crazy with a bottle of Jack Daniel under one armpit. On more than two occasions, he came and hugged Tunde, I and Kome and ran off again. Tunde laughed when we gave him puzzled looks.

“He’s been away from Nigeria for too long. He never believed Nigeria was this much fun.” He explained apologetically.

“He’s just skipping about like an excited kid who was giving a bowl of candy.” Kome said, shaking his head.

“He’s definitely going to want to come back soon when he leaves for Germany.” I said.

“I’m telling you!” Tunde concurred.
“But seriously though, those pictures he’s taking…”

“Relax. They won’t get to the wrong hands. I’m targeting Austin. I’ll get the camera off him pretty soon.” I said.

It was initially to be an all gentlemen’s affair but the guys came with girls. Not their real girlfriends anyway; that was strictly prohibited as was any form of cameras or cams. Only Austin was allowed to come in with a camcorder after severe protests that we ought to have a memory of the night. We finally agreed that the pictures and videos would be viewed by the inner circle only, after which we would destroy the evidence.

The party continued till the wee hours of the morning. We left the party people who seemed to have tripled in number in the last couple of hours. We got to our senses at about a few minutes to four when we realized we had a wedding to attend in a few hours. Tunde by this time, was a wasted heap, hanging on my shoulders, uttering all sorts of mumbo jumbo. I was pretty drunk too but as I was the designated driver, I tried to drink with moderation though I was pretty wasted myself but I had it under control.

Morning came with us all waking with crushing hangovers. We had lodged in the presidential suite of a nearby hotel where we all slept the sleep of the dead for less than three hours. Only Austin was missing. I had managed to retrieve the camera from him before he zoomed off to an unknown destination with Miss Jade. The camera was safely locked in the pigeon hole of my car. I and Tunde had our baths as quick as possible and dressed up in identical grey blazer suits, whites collarless shirts and black bow ties. Tunde had a strange look on his face.

“What’s the problem man?” I asked.

“I dunno o. My legs are shaking. I just realized I’m scared shitless!” I laughed out loud. My laughter awoke Kome who was just lazying about on the king size bed. Tuoyo was still quite dead.

“You should be though. Its not an easy step. The fear is good.” Kome said soothingly.

“And you’ve got an angel. So, its nothing more than pre-marital jitters.” I said.

“Thanks guys.” He said, a bit comforted after a few seconds of silence and deep thought. “I’ll be expecting you to man up with Christy soon though.”

“I hope I do. I certainly hope I do.” I said.

“And you…” He said to Kome as he straightened his tie in front of the mirror. “That your cousin Louis is sick. All that’s left for him is a pimp cup, a long perm and a Cadillac Coup Deville. He needs Jesus! Y’all need to get serious.”

We had a good laugh. Tuoyo awoke suddenly and was surprised to see us dressed.

“Where are we? How did I get here?” He asked confused.

“Hey man, how are you feeling? You were totally out last night?” Kome asked.
“Out is an understatement.” I said, laughing.

“Did I drive here last night?” He asked, still looking very confused. He held his head and winced softly.

“When you couldn’t even stand without support!” I said laughing.

“I drove you here.” Kome said.

“Thank God. Where’s Austin?” Tuoyo asked.

“He already on his way to church. Where we all should be in the next twenty minutes. Don’t be late guys.” Tunde said. More solemnly, he continued.

“Thanks guys…for last night. To think you all did all this for me…I feel…protected, appreciated.”

“You are a jolly good fellow. And so are we.” Kome said and we laughed again.

We left them behind and headed to church where they joined us later. The service was lengthy and I found myself struggling to stay awake. Amaka looked so lovely and resplendent in her long white gown. She looked every bit a queen with the silver tiara above her veil. She had a smile that described the joy that lay at the bottom of her heart. Tunde beamed with pride, his nuptial jitters long forgotten. Then I saw Kemi, the chief bridesmaid. She looked amazing as always in her pink gown as did the rest of the bridal train. I’d totally forgotten about her for some time now. We hadn’t crossed paths since that last time at Tunde’s place. Our eyes met for a second and she looked away quickly. Odd, I thought. I saw something in her eyes I couldn’t quite understand. Was that fear or shame? I let go of the thought and focused on Christy. She looked so lovely but there was something in her eyes; was that sadness? A gnawing worry crept into my heart but I suppressed it.

It was as the reception gradually came to a close that all hell broke lose. Tunde and his wife were locked in a tight embrace as they danced to the old school love songs the DJ played. I managed to tear myself away from the grooms men and went to meet Christy whom I had neglected for sometime because of the preparations and all. I had explained to her that it was going to be like that and she perfectly understood.

“Hey baby…” I said, pulling her up from where she sat. “Dance with me.”

She stood and came into my arms. She had this look on her face that I couldn’t figure out. She was stiff and distant and kept giving me monosyllabic replies. I imagined she was smarting from the neglect so I apologized again, promising to make it up to her.

“Really? You’ll make it up to me?!” She said, her voice suddenly rising.

I was stunned. She had never risen her voice up against me before.

“What’s the problem love?” I asked gently, feeling her anger build up. It scared the hell out of me.

“Oh, apart from a shameless boyfriend who cheats on me with my office colleague, my life’s just peachy!” She screamed as she shoved me away, tears flowing freely from her eyes.

Her voice was too loud, unbelievably loud! It pierced the sweet melody of the song ‘Last Night’ by AZ Yet that serenaded the small but lovely hall. The attention of the remaining guests and the newly weds focused on us both. I saw Kemi from the corner of my eye leave the guy she was dancing with and head for the rest room.

The cat was out of the bag. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Malcolm O. Ifi.

15 thoughts on “Mickey Jay: Memoirs Of A Lagos Playboy (XVI)” by Malcolm O. Ifi (@saymalcolm)

  1. oh well…about time

  2. Eeeeehhhhhh why at the wedding now….karma is a biatch

  3. Yawa don gas!!!

    1. Kasala don burst,how did she find out anyway,I taught you were a smooth operator?

  4. And she knows

  5. Christy got the wrong guy!

  6. I’m sold! Where’s the book? I’m going to be first on line with my check book

  7. @saymalcolm Im inspired to write something like this! Watch out

  8. I guess kemi has been put in the family way. @saymalcolm I am waiting to read yours.

  9. wherez d next episode na

  10. Aaaah! I smell foul!
    Nice read @saymalcolm

  11. Can som1 pls tell me hw to find d missing parts. U knw what happens when u r drawn to sth n suddenly, sth comes in- between. Pls help a sister out. Thanks.

Leave a Reply