Beds And Breakfasts

I am a respecter of a man’s diet and bedding, they contain some of the most telling attributes about a character.
Six am that morning, Matthew’s scraping and shuffling about woke
Ifeanyi and I. It was the normal waking ritual but this morning it sounded as though he was preparing enough acha to feed his entire Plateau based colony.
Ifeanyi grumbled his way to consciousness and muttered his usual early morning complaint on Matthew’s poisons and concoctions as he called it. Matthew laughed good-naturedly and answered something I did not quite get because I had drifted back to sleep.
I woke up twenty minutes later and met a feast of fury, acha, a cereal grown in Plateau state, being the base of the fury. Matthew’s friends, mostly Plateau natives in the Economics department, were mercilessly stuffing themselves with acha from one massive pot, using spoons, forks and for shocking moment I thought, knives.
I looked around my room. So filthy and downright revolting that it was only right it should be located beside the toilet, bathroom and laundry (the laundry was now a room because accommodation was scarce). The rubber carpet was so torn that the once white tiles were only too visible, the kitchenette (a small corner actually) had walls that were so black from cooking smoke that it could easily be mistaken for a slaughterhouse. Even as I stretched on the bed, I felt my spirits dampen. It had been 9inches thick once and 7feet long. But after years of handing down and selling it was finally a torn up and flabby piece of foam that should have been recycled long ago and since there were no frames, it was worse.
I brushed my teeth my and cleaned my wardrobe. It did not matter how long or hard I did, it just got back to its normal state. I changed shirts and left my room. Since it was a Saturday and I had no lecture, I took my time.
I decided to check-up on my neighbours. Samuel was still sleeping but Mike and James were up already.
A fluffy, comfortable and light blue rug heavily carpeted every part of their room except the kitchen area. James and Mike had lectures so they were already prepared and were having their breakfast. It was rice. The meal was brown because it had been cooked with beans. And even though it might have done better with more spices, optimistically, it could have been worse. Sam stretched on their flattened 10inch mattress. Phew, mat would appropriately describe it but sheets were clean and changed regularly which was more than I could say for my bed. I gave them a good morning-and-thank-you-I’m-not-hungry nod and walked away. Samuel was the person I really associated with.
I moved to Oliver’s room. He, Oliver, had just bought a loaf of bread and was about making his famous Lipton tea. The morning was never complete without tea for Oliver. We exchanged greetings and I sat down on his big bouncy bed.
I loved his bed. It was massive and always had clean sheets.
Lawal the lawyer was still asleep but Lukeman his brother was up. Their room was a double room so it held 6 people instead of three as mine, which was single, did. I guess whoever referred to the rooms as ‘doubles and singles’ was counting in threes. Lukeman was warming up some leftovers of rice as Moses ‘the dreaded’ was mocked him (Lukeman) while he made oats. They argued for a while before Lukeman honourably stepped down and left Moses to his antics. Moses called Lukeman the king of ‘bad food kingdom’ and the ‘president of all-killer-diseases’ association. It was all funny but it also annoyed Lukeman who out aged all of us.
I got tired of hearing Moses speak so eloquently while so maliciously too for though he slept on two 6-spring mattresses, he gave of the aura of a perfectly groomed and wealthy gentleman.
I walked away and stuck my hands in my pockets of those trousers I had slept in, and felt some bills there. Realizing I had some money, I decided to have breakfast myself. So I headed for the cafeteria. On my way there I met Francis ‘the game’ and followed him back to his room.
I was always glad to be in Francis’ room. It was always neat, trim, arranged and never lacked a new item; whether a new CD, book or nice meal, and besides Francis was good company. We talked as I sat on his moderate but firm 7 by 9 inch mattress. He talked as he fried potatoes and I was content to just listen. Ifeanyi then walked and his facial expression said it all.
I knew exactly was he would say before he thought it. He said it two seconds later “nigger, am ver’ very hungry.” Ifeanyi never disappointed me when it came to making such statements.
I bade Francis goodbye and exited with Ifeanyi. We talked and laughed all the way to the cafeteria, which was located outside the hostel block but still close to them.
There was one open eatery and the head cook and owner was known as ‘auntie’ and she knew almost all her customers by name.
We took seats and ordered our meals. Already there were some early eaters and the place was coming to life with activity. Our orders came and I sighed in contentment from just watching it. Ifeanyi looked up from his plate and gave me a puzzled face. I smiled and dug into my food. It was at that moment she came in.
Shapely, fair skinned, long seemingly natural hair with lips so luscious they promised even to the holiest of monks. Ifeanyi whispered ‘Ajebo’ to me. I continued eating, minding my business. She approached Auntie and asked the weirdest question; “morning ma. Do you serve bacon and eggs?” Ethereal pause! Auntie overcame her shock and answered “no my dear we don’t.” “Thank you ma.” Came her polite reply. She turned away and walked out. After she left, there were a couple polite chuckles till one witty fellow said “A’beg make una no vex, her money no reach rice.” Applause and laughter. Just a Saturday morning in Abuja hostel!
THE END



4 thoughts on “Beds And Breakfasts” by Bamidele Eze (@Kraftykele)

  1. Very terrible writing and the story didnt go anywhere.
    Write another one for us.

    1. Bros that’s cruel oh. Ok challenge accepted. I won’t post a brand new one cos I am working on some long term projects but I hope you keep an eye for what I will post next.

  2. @kraftykele, this wasn’t very substantial. I get that the title of the story is ‘beds and breakfasts’, but it takes more than a repeated description of beds and breakfasts to make a story interesting. But at least, there were no surprises.

    Keep reading and writing.

  3. Hahahaha, this is the very piece of writing I did once I told myself seriously. Its 7 years old. Thanks guys for taking the time to even glance through it.

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