Adaku

Adaku sat down. She sat in her paradise-like parlour, she held a book in her hand, not reading, but flipping through the pages, searching for the exact place she had stopped. She was about to read. The book she was holding was a paperback book. A book written by Jamiu Basitt, the award winning author of so many books. The book she was holding was titled ” witches and the evil woman”. A gripping story that revolved between an evil woman and her house girl. Adaku was facinated by the book because the story re-united her thought about the live she had lived when she was a house girl.

She glanced once again across the house. The palour in which she was sitting down. She glanced at the plasma television in front of her and she saw that the television was showing a cartoon. She glanced through the house and saw her neatly, painted parlour. she saw the image of her daughter’s picture in the wall. And she noticed the scent which was coming from every corner of the house, the atmosphere was calm and the air was lovely. All these have added to her happiness which makes her forget that she was once a house girl and once had an Evil woman who could not but see her die at all cost or nearly killed her for all her misdemeanours.

She had once thought that life is free and no harm was to be done. But she later understood that life cound’nt be lived without facing any harm. Experience is the best teacher and she now understand, too, that women can sometimes be the root of all evil.

She remembered the day, that woman, her Oga’s wife , nearly strangled her to death. She remembered the day she was beaten and blood wetted her cloth, she remembered again that she was beaten because the clothes she washed was stained by unknown person. She remembered all those times she had to stay at home, not going to school because she had some trivial works her oga’s wife had assigned for her. She remembered those time she had to parch and sew her clothes with a needle just because she had no money to buy another one. She remembered all those times and thought that the author of the novel she was holding must have had a glimpse of her life record. Perhaps, a magical see through of how she had spent her life.

And now her life has been better and all those time she had suffered was nothing compared to the happiness she had now. The big car, the paradise house, a beautiful daughter and a lovely husband. Including the time she had now to read and write on her own. And the nursing ambition to write like Jamiu basitt, the author of this book she was holding.

She stopped at page 62 in the book she was holding. It was where the evil woman was trying to cajole her husband to let the house girl drop from school so that she could face her house choirs completely. But that was not what she really want, what she really want was to see the house girl quit from school because she was more serious in her studies than her daughter.

Adaku was anxious to know whether the husband was going to let the house girl quit from school or not, So far as she had been reading the book, she had noticed that the husband had not been path of the jealousness or the maltreatment.

Her anxiousness grew wings as her suspence became unrestful, all she wanted to know was what will be the reply of the husband.

She opened her book and started to read.



24 thoughts on “Adaku” by Bola (@basittjamiu)

  1. Nice story but there are several errors. Chores- Choir,and instead of wanted you used want. Also on the wall not in the wall.

  2. Basittjamiu, I thought you write poems.

    If this was your first attempt to write prose it’s laudable. But you still have to go back to the drawing board. The piece needs total make over. There were repetitions, no fluidity, tense mix-ups, punctuation errors etc. Keep writing. The flow will come…

  3. thanks@the-zenith. hope the message was clear. noted your points I will work on them.

  4. hehehe this is not my first attempt. O! but still building up.
    thanks for the comment. @francis but you forgot to point some of the errors. I will appreciate them more if you do.
    howdy.

  5. Liked ur work am kinda hoping u’ll work on d typos n connecting d story more.Enjoy d part were she’s comparing lives,however,am hoping 4 more;).Keep it up

    1. thanks @jade69, I will be happy if you do.
      HOPING FOR MORE!
      pretty soon you will get more, even more but for now take little please!
      Howdy.

  6. The only interesting thing about this piece is that the author of the book was an anagram of your name…
    I ought to check out your poems.
    Keep writing, keep climbing. well done. $ß.

  7. Is this a series, @basittjamiu? It doesn’t look complete to me. At the very least, it would be interesting to know how the MC turned from being a victim of abuse to living the good life that she lives today.

    It’s strange that the both the MC and the character in the book that the MC is reading have both had traumatic experiences. If the story continues, will it be about the MC or the book character, I wonder?

    I think you did better at dealing with tense confusion than in your previous works, but there are still some errors that you need to root out (like “All these had added to her happiness, which had made her forget that she was once a house girl”)

    As @francis has pointed out, there was lots of repetition. “She remembered… she rememebered…” and “She glanced… she glanced…”, and lots of short sentences which disrupted the flow of the narrative. You could have rewritten one of the paragraphs like this instead (to remove a lot of the repetition):

    “She glanced across the neat parlour that she was sitting in. There was a cartoon was showing on the plasma television in front of her. She turned her glance to the wall and smiled at the picture of her daughter hanging on the wall.”

    Keep writing.

    1. thanks sir, @tolaO.
      No be series O! thanks for giving me clue on how to write further on the subject.
      immense thanks to you bro.
      more than a thanks.
      howdy!

  8. Hey ho. This story seems to me the kind I used to write in my early years then leave to gather dust. You are lucky it is techno era. Take some courses man, pass the polish please

    1. thanks @Hymar.
      thanks for the comment.

  9. thanks @sibbylwhyte. I will.
    I know the mountain is high but I will keep climbing.

  10. nice concept but the execution was poor. watch out for tense mixups, too short sentences and repetitions…well done

  11. Fadehan Adeoshun (@Fadehan)

    this is a very nice short story that if properly plotted would generate a lot of suspense. But then you need to be more accurate in your imagery because that is the only way your readers can get an idea of what you are saying….
    Also it is better to show us and don’t tell us….. see for an example this sentence “She glanced at the plasma television in front of her…” do you know that from that sentence alone we can know the kind of house and affluence she in if only you had tell us the brand of TV she had and probably the inches.

  12. thanks @fadehan, thanks for a nice brace up.

  13. Don’t think there’s any point hammering the flaws any further.

    I think you can write. You just need a lot of practice and training. Read. Read. Read.

    Get better man, get better.

  14. thanks sir, @seun-odukoya
    thanks for the lifting words, really appreciate.

  15. Sunshine (@nicolebassey)

    well, looks like they have said it all. : ) Thanks for the IV though, I just have one word- Tighter. Try to think of ways to cut out excess fluff. Thanks for sharing this.

  16. thanks@nicolebassey, thanks for coming around.

  17. Nice attempt, but the ending though… I think the ending would only work if it has a sequel. The others have said it all. Keep writing pal.

  18. @basittjamiu
    gradually the words will tumble from the tip of your pen…………NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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