Mickey Jay: Memoirs Of A Lagos Playboy (XI)

August 12th, 2012.
8: 12pm.

I caught hell for my stunt of yesterday. I can tell you authoritatively now that this is definitely an experience you should try out. However, I have just one advice; its tough having a woman that wears you out just fine all by herself. Having two insatiable women with such stamina is definitely the pathway to death. Especially when they’ve had a good dose of aphrodisiacs. Its a miracle I’m still alive and I don’t think I’ll be seeking a repeat performance anytime soon. Oh, one more thing; Red Bull actually gives you wings!

In a way, I was grateful for the accident. I certainly would have had no excuse for not performing with Christy later that night. I had passed out after several marathon bouts with the two feisty chics who somewhere along the line, turned it to a competition of who was going to have me more. After the second bout with Kemi and Fanny; something happened between them. I don’t know what it was but it was like they wanted to outdo each other and poor me, the grass in this battle between two great elephants, got a lot more than I bargained for. The beauty of it was Mickey Junior didn’t fail. He was up and doing all through. Even when my strength failed, he seemed to have self-replenishing reserves of energy that kept the action alive. I passed out somewhere between the second and third round with each of them.

I woke with a start to an eerily quiet and empty room. The only sound was the quiet hum of the air conditioner and a persistent knock on the door and a voice saying “Room service sir!”. The room was an absolute mess! I was still naked but well covered under the duvet that gave me a measure of warmth and sheltered me from the drastic drop in the temperature of the room.

“Go away! I didn’t ask for room service.” I said weakly. The attendant heard me and I heard foot steps retreat down the hall amid excited voices.

I was tired to the bone. I had a master class headache. I felt depleted, drained and pressed. Unsteadily, I walked to the adjoining toilet and took a leak. Lord! My dick ached! The basket was littered with condoms. Nice of them to clean up after me, I thought. I emptied the basket into the toilet, steadfastly refusing to count and flushed. I had a cold and quick shower and felt a little energy surge through my body. It was when I was picking up my clothes that I noticed my wallet was out of the back pocket of my jeans trouser and was on the couch. I picked it up to find it was empty. I sighed, not feeling too bitter. I had just about eight thousand naira and some change. Fanny must have helped herself. An excuse not to call her ever again. I dressed up and checked my phone. It was 10: 14pm and I had a total of twelve missed calls from Christy, Tuoyo and Tunde. I quickly scrolled through my phone and deleted every trace of Kemi and Fanny. My frolicking was over.

I checked out of the hotel room and drove to Christy’s. I only called her when I was close to let her know I was close. It was only when I drove in she knew I had an accident.

“Why didn’t you call me? What if something had happened to you?” She asked, her eyes wide with alarm.

“I didn’t want you to worry. I’m ok. See…” I said, spreading my hands. She came into them.

“You look so drawn and tired.” She complained with concern.

“Arguments, negotiations and stressful activities.” I said truthfully, sparing details.

“A good meal should fix you up. I prepared fried rice.” She said smiling and smothering my cheeks with kisses.

After a good meal, all her hopes for a night of passionate love making died when as I hit the bed, I started to snore instantly. She tried unsuccessfully to get me out of bed to prepare for church the next morning but I feared for my life. There was no way I was going to church today after yesterday. I wasn’t going to push my luck!

We had already planned to pay Tunde and Amaka a visit today. Amaka was overjoyed to hear we were coming over as she was having some friends over too. So in her usual motherly manner, she told me we were having lunch at their place. I told her I was excited and would be there with Christy the moment she came back from church. I called my mechanic who came to pick up my car. I was going to be without wheels for a couple of days, he said. A very depressing situation. It was after I had a bath that I saw several missed calls from a number I thought was familiar. The number had called last night too. I didn’t call back and it totally slipped my mind.

We left the house around 3: 30pm. Kunle lived not too far away and it was a sunday; the only traffic-free day in Lagos. We were at his abode in no time. Amaka, always the gracious host, received us well and after we exchanged greetings and a couple of jokes, she hijacked Christy to join the girls in the kitchen for some “girl talk”. Tunde, Tuoyo, Ifeanyi, and a neighbor he introduced to me as Joe and I sat in the sitting room watching football and discussing in between with an endless supply of drinks.

“Where’s your car?” He asked, suddenly remembering I came in Christy’s Honda Civic.

“Had an accident yesterday man. With a Range Sport!”

“What?!” Tuoyo and Ifeanyi said in unison, looking at me. We had a good laugh at that.

“No way!” Tunde said laughing and coming to sit next to me. I went on to explain what happened.

“No wonder you don’t have a car anymore. You must have sold your car to pay for the damage to the Range.” Ifeanyi said, laughing.

“I dey tell you!” Tuoyo said, concurring with his characteristic guffaw.

“Sharrap there!” I retorted, but couldn’t help laughing. “Meanwhile,” I continued, tapping Tunde, “… we get gist!” He nodded and we both stepped outside to the balcony. After making sure there were no eavesdroppers, I told him everything about the past day’s adventure. He had a sad look on his face when I’d completed my story.

“I shouldn’t have rushed into marriage.” He said shaking his head furiously and gnashing his teeth. I laughed heartily.

“I never even got to try a menage.” He continued, regretfully. “Who were the girls?”

“Nobody you’d know.” I lied, suddenly realizing I could be in deep trouble being here. As if to confirm my worst fears, Amaka headed out of the kitchen with a tray bearing steaming plates of pepper soup. She was followed by Christy, and three other ladies and Kemi! Kemi seemed to pause for a second when she saw me. I couldn’t describe the expression on her face but it certainly looked like trouble. I felt my palm become moist and suddenly, I had a premonition that something disastrous was about to happen. She didn’t look like part of the wanton tag team that nearly destroyed me yesterday. She had on a long and loose native gown. She looked beautiful in a churchly way. I had to tear my eyes off her before anyone noticed but alas, Tunde did.

“Good lord! Mickey!!” He muttered incredulously under his breath.

As the plates of pepper soup went round, Amaka did a quick introduction and I prayed she wouldn’t mention that Kemi and I had met before. I didn’t want Christy connecting any dots as I had omitted that Kemi was at the traditional wedding. I was very cautious and thread with obvious caution from that moment. I talked less and Tunde was merciless at my discomfort. He made incessant jibes about me biting off more than I can chew. I had to tell him everything. When I did, he was furious with me.

“Does your dick think for you? You got a great thing going with Christy. Is this how you want to end it?”

“Don’t assume that moral tone with me, and keep you voice down!” I whispered almost angrily. I had gotten him out of more scrapes than I cared to remember.

“I need to keep those two away from each other. I don’t like the look she gave me just now.” I continued desperately.

“You should have thought of that first before decided to dive in.” He said obviously enjoying my discomfort.

“Aren’t you enjoying the pepper soup? I made it because of you.” Amaka spoke suddenly within hearing distance, making me jump.

“I-I-I am-m-m enjoying it of course.” I stammered, spooning the hot spicy soup into my mouth, burning my tongue as I realized she came for the plate as everyone else had finished theirs. I handed the barely touched plate to her but Tunde took it from me gesturing he would help me out.

“Don’t mind him honey. Is the food ready yet? I’m starving.”

“Yes. I’m just setting the table.” She said as she walked away. I waited to be sure she was outside ear shot before I continued.

“And don’t you tell Amaka nothing about this o. I know they say people who are married don’t keep secrets but for God’s sake, keep this one out of your pillow talks.” I said. He gave an incredulous look as if to say, “Of course, I won’t tell her!”

“GOAL!!!!” Tuoyo, Ifeanyi and Joe yelled suddenly, distracting us. Tunde left me to join them on the sofa to see a replay of the goal. I was too bothered to care. I tried to cheer up as Christy came towards me. From the slow and deliberate way she walked, a thoughtful look on her face, I knew I was in a fix!

“Hey baby…” I said, trying to hide my nervousness.

“You didn’t tell me Kemi was at the wedding.” Her voice was soft and calm but I could tell she was pissed off.

“Oh…yeah. That’s her name!” I said, hitting my fore head, feigning remembrance.” I thought I saw her but I wasn’t too sure.”

She remained silent. I drew her close and kissed her forehead.

“Why the long face love?” I asked.

“Heyyy!!! Mickey, is it? Long time.” Kemi said brightly, suddenly appearing. Christy turned and rested her back against me, wrapping my arms around her.

“Kemi, hi.” I said stiffly. She was a wonderful actress. Not a hint of the expression I saw before.

“The meal is set. Amaka wants you guys to join us at the table. Let’s leave these guys to watch their match.” She turned around and dragged Tunde up from the couch to his feet playfully. He had been watching us with mild interest.

“Your wife calls.” She said to him as she walked on. Tunde looked at me and nodded.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell them you guys are busy.” He said to Christy and me. “You guys can eat on the balcony. Use those plastic chairs.” He said, pointing to two plastic chairs at the corner. I nodded my thanks to him. He had saved the day but there was still a nagging feeling in the recesses of my mind that the evil day had merely been postponed.

What have I been thinking?!



6 thoughts on “Mickey Jay: Memoirs Of A Lagos Playboy (XI)” by Malcolm O. Ifi (@saymalcolm)

  1. What have you been thinking? You haven’t been thinking!
    Nice one

  2. Exactly you havent bee thinking at all..if you have been definately not with ur head lool…poor sweet christy

  3. You enjoy being in the middle of a storm. Good write…

  4. even if you hadbeen thinking…the natural flair for masculine wouldnt have slowed you down…nice work!

  5. I really enjoyed this.

  6. glow (@anyieinstein)

    Day of reckoning approaches…

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