The end is near I must tell you. And just in case I don’t make it, I hereby give you my memoir, my autobiography. I don’t pretend to make it as poetic and flowery as the bible; my tale need not have any aesthetic quality. There would be no verses, or any of such triviality. It won’t be in testaments, old or new. This is not an epistle or a letter to the Romans or the Corinthians or any particulars, and it is not a book of proverbs or any other form of praise singing. I seek not to give any commandment, or to promise damnation to anyone. It is not for self glorification either. This is just the missing parts of the Other Book, the other side of the story. I am believed to be many things, especially the father of all liars. Well, I may not be truthful, but I am precise. Only the wise know, that I, Lucifer, in all the centuries of existence have fathered no one. It would be best to have The Other Book open, as you read this, but open up your minds as well, and judge this matter. There are two sides to every story. Even in your courts, no case is decided until both parties have been heard or represented. I am not so comfortable that mere mortals are to preside over the rift between God and I, but God gave mortals the impetus in the first place, so let it be so. I have been silent all this while, because I didn’t really care and because I felt silence was the best answer. But silence works only with fools. What I do now, I do for you. Not that I care one bit, but I have to set the records straight.
I have decided finally to say my side of the story. I am not trying to defend myself, no, I have done no harm except once or twice or thrice or …when necessary. You all are conversant with The Other Book and its tales. Well, that is God’s side of the story, his point of view. In The Other Book, there was no take of what the characters were thinking or feeling, but in mine, I will tell you exactly what Eve thought of Adam, what Isaac thought of his father, what the Carpenter Joseph thought of his wife, Mary. I will even show you the thoughts of the witnesses present at some of the events. I only do this so you can have all your conceptions in 3D. I know the bias against me is as old as man, but I am not deterred. Of course I can’t win this case; I lost it from the beginning. I was condemned a long time ago. No sentence can be passed on me that hasn’t been passed before. Daily I am being cursed and prayed against.
Really, I find it funny when mortals bind and cast me. I am immortal, I can’t get bound or casted. Casted to where? In the earlier days, prayers weren’t so violent and forceful; it was usually a quiet and supplicative affair. These days, a true Prayer Warrior is bodily fit because of the fitness exercises he undergoes in the name of prayer. I hear them at times, in those churches where the kingdom of God suffers violently, as they tear there selves apart trying to cast me into “Abyss”, or “Bottomless pit”. Where are these places? Sometimes, someone would be binding and casting, another Prayer Warrior elsewhere would be losing and rebuking the very same being. If one takes stock of all the prayers going on against me at the same time, one would marvel at the contradiction it would cause when such prayers try to take effect. Mortals make me out to be this all seeing, all powerful being. When they pray sometimes, I hear, ‘Die! Die! Die! Some even shoot imaginary guns or stab into the air believing they are actually stabbing and killing me in the spiritual realm. Their gestures crack me up. Others, even go as far as commanding that I get suspended in the air, or that I be thrown into the Sahara; wishful thinkers. The universe is my domain. I am the king, I go anywhere I choose.
Most mortals fail to realize that I have a very good working relationship with the Almighty. He consults me on salient issues. We chat daily. He likes my take on things .Heaven and earth are autonomous worlds, more like a Colonial nation and its Colony. Whatever I might think of God, I won’t deny that he is a God of order. He doesn’t really interfere in my business except when an overzealous saint gets overly worrisome with prayers; otherwise he lets me do my thing. In such cases were he interferes he does it quite politely. Like, I remember when He advised that I do away with Hitler and stop the world war madness. God had a little issue over the Jews and why I took it to that extent, and I told him that I had no hand in that particular detail. He had always being partial to those people. Well, I took my man Adolf away, but I gave him something befitting his status as one of the greatest mortals ever. He was a great man, faithful. I liked him. More recent, God asked what I thought of the new black president of America, I had only shrugged; I liked Bush better. I pleaded innocence on the death of the king of Pop; it wasn’t me. The heavens are still deliberating on whose side he should be spending his eternity; but I know where I would want him. But for God’s intervention, Osama would never have been found; I would have translated him like I did my man, Hitler. My last consult with God was over the Nigerian problem. There I put my foot down. I told the Almighty that the nation hasn’t seen the last of my troubles. I feed on their hypocrisy. Good luck for them is only a dream. I understand that God has a few cronies among the people; but I have legion. But aside from these occasional interventions, God minds his business and I mind mine.
Really, you would find that I am not as terrible as I have been portrayed. I am thought all dark and evil; I even have horns in pictures, but no being alive, dead, supernal or infernal is as beautiful as Lucifer, Prince of the morning. I am a super power. I was even able to fight the heavens; that is no mean fit, I must tell you. I am the only Other Power. I know my worth compared to God’s. God is the beginning and the end; but who do you think controls the in-betweens. He is the Alpha and omega, and I am everything else.
I indeed have a cause to be proud.
Every natural disaster is attributed to me. I am called the destroyer. Granted, I cause my own share of destructions, especially when a particular society begins to piss me off with their disregard. Or when some place becomes over populated, I usually try to create some space. But I don’t do all. I tell you, the Lords own destruction is often more colorful and imaginative. That’s why he is God. And I suspect he tries to outdo me, just to prove a point. Remember the flood? No, not Haiti, I mean the very first one. Who destroyed the whole earth with flood? In fact I learnt that act from Him; I haven’t been able to perfect it yet. Who destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone and pillars of salt? Pillars of salt, of all things!
But one must give God the glory; that was a beautiful act of destruction. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was enthralled by the stones and raining fire. I even tasted Lots wife, I mean, the pillar of salt she turned into. No, God is powerful. We can’t argue that fact. Most natural disasters are purely natural. But who made nature? It wasn’t me. Now of course I don’t even bother to destroy anything; man has come of age. He has grown adept at destruction. At times I doubt if I could be as wicked and creative as man in his own destruction.
Mortals have this conception that God is all loving. Sometimes I get shocked at their acts of disobedience and defiance. The Almighty is not as loving and harmless as men think; He is an all consuming fire. Hell had no fury like His. Man can get away with crossing me, it is seldom, but it has happened, but who has heard or seen the one that can escape from the Almighty’s fury. Yet I am the sinister, wicked and heartless one. It is indeed a terrible thing to fall in the hands of God. Trust me, I know. If I, Lucifer, a being God took much pride in creating, if I Lucifer, would be thrown down from heaven, then who else wouldn’t be.
I am not bad; I am a good people. When was I ever needed that I didn’t show? One doesn’t even need to fast or pray or obey my commandments for me to offer my services. I don’t even have commandments, they are merely speed breaks, and I don’t do slow. I give what is deserved. One asks for my help; instant delivery. I don’t delay. There is no point in making you wait till the last hour or trying to judge to see if you will be faithful to me before I help. Just pay the price, or sign a bond to pay in installments. It’s simply business. I have been cheated a lot; many after entering the contract suddenly decamp when I come for my pay. But still, business has been good. You win some, you lose some.
People come into hell giving me the look like I am the … well, of course, I am the devil. But the mortals have to know that I didn’t send them in here. I don’t have all the power. Life and death is in His hands, remember? The lord giveth, the lord taketh. But the unreasoning mortals think I do all the taking. I am not saying I don’t do my own share of taking; I am the grim reaper after all. But he takes more than I do, and I don’t take anything without his nod. Any soul that comes to me must have been rejected by Michael, who is the Gate keeper of heaven (yet he puffs himself up). The angst should be directed at him, not me. Mortals always misplace anger and priorities. Michael should be given the first priority in anger. Coming into hell with an attitude only fuels the fire. Of course, I exert my pound of flesh, by keeping my guests quite busy. I try to make the place more colourful and memorable. Yeah. It beats heaven, where u only get to wear white and see only gold. It gets too bright for the eyes. We do all manner of dancing and stuff in here, but in heaven, u put on white and join the 24 elders and all the old bearded prophets to bow down and worship incessantly. The bowing gets hard on the waist. In hell we try to diversify, it brings unity and people are kept busy.
You would be surprised at the class of mortals I get down here: kids, preachers, dignitaries, rulers, all kinds. I don’t like getting kids in here… Hold on, I don’t have any love for them, though some are almost as evil as I am portrayed; I just feel that they would have been of more benefit if they lived longer in their twisted lives, a little more time to spread their poison. Getting them in here so early is a waste of resource. I don’t fail to berate my angels if they are responsible.
The stars and celebs are much down here, we try to accord them some form of regard, depending on how creative they were in vice and their contribution to my business. Sometimes I come around and see how my guests fare. I call them guests just in respect; of course none who comes here gets to leave, except he makes a deal with me. I like watching them move to the fire and get there groove on. Where did they learn all this contortions?
Another shocker would be the requests some of the guests make here in hell. A onetime richest man on earth wanted to know how his estate was faring. I laughed so hard. Well, I told him it was doing very good without him; he didn’t seem so much pleased with my answer. I indicated to my Dj’s that he should be kept busier. He needed more concentration and focus on the task down here. Another wanted to know who his wife was…em…doing it with; was it his best friend? He had always suspected them both. Many wanted above anything else, vengeance. I prefer those. I will let you know that once in a while I make certain deals here. Of course God doesn’t have to know, I keep it hush- hush. A really determined mortal can get a respite above ground if he/she can bring more souls on returning. I only grant the deal to mortals with potentials; people who can deliver. I granted one terrorist few more years if he would deliver more souls to my cause. Well, he took his time, but he succeeded in blowing up himself along with some notable Israelis. It was a win- win situation for me. His action above ground started a chain reaction that delivered more souls to my cause. Smart, right? Well, I am Lucifer!
An injustice was done, it was done long ago. And I have been serving my term; an unjust sentence. I only seek a fair hearing, just to be understood. Whatever crime I committed, man has done much worse. I have no appeal, no pardon. Perhaps to whom much is given, much is exerted from. But I know my true enemies. It is almost time to confront Michael, my chief accuser. But first, my memoir.
Let me start from the beginning…