Touch of Spite (2)

Touch of Spite (2)

Read the first part here



See, she did not break my heart. I am serious, she didn’t. Yes, I didn’t eat for some days, but that had nothing to do with her. I just didn’t have the appetite. For the whole week that she refused to speak to me or see me, I had no hunger for food. I was just worried.

That I did not date another female after her for more than a year didn’t mean that my heart was broken. I am a man, we don’t get heartbroken. Do not argue with me, it is my heart not yours. If a body’s heart gets broken, the body dies. My heart was just fine, still is, thank you.

Nothing really happened too. There was no offense on my part. The last time we were together it was all blissful panting and enjoyable sighs. This was routine. So when she didn’t take my calls the next morning, it was no issue for me. I began to worry when she didn’t call me or pick my calls the next day too. Then she sent a text telling me that she wanted to be alone for some time because she wanted to think through some things.

I have never put much stock in what a woman would be thinking, so I felt I just needed to up my game, even though I was sure I was up there with cupid and the other masters of romance. So I took the Art of Seduction and marked some pages and underlined some great ideas. Then I persevered and wrote some other great insights at the book edges and between the lines. But when a girl is evil there is no strategy that will bring her back. That great book failed me.

Ok, it earned me one last audience with her for some minutes, but I don’t know if that should count because that interview that occurred at her door step was terrible.

When her door opened, joy flooded my heart; I observed that her eyes were a bit swollen and red. I also observed that she didn’t let me in.

“Sweetie, what happened? What is going on? Did I do something wrong?”

She raised her eyes at me, and for the umpteenth time I wondered what God was playing at when he made those eyes.

“I am pregnant.”

I swallowed, digested the swallow and swallowed some more. My heart stammered and then my lips exulted.

“What? Sweet heart! Are you serious? That is so wonderful! It is going to be a boy. I cant belie…”

The slap that slim fine lady gave me was worse than a gun shot. In my ecstasy I didn’t see it coming. My brain thought the world had ended. I could not see. I could not hear.

All those idiots who think women are weaker or harmless have never been slapped by a woman. Her door slamming shut inspired my brain to get hold of itself and give me balance. I found I was still standing and alive in front of the closed door.

I journeyed back to my car, flipped down my mirror and checked why the left side of my face felt like rusted heavy metal.

When a man survives blunt trauma, he naturally begins to evaluate how it happened. Now, in a saner world, pregnancy is a good thing. In the womb of the wise and pure women without bad intentions, a child is a testimony.  A man swells with pride at the feat of impregnating a female body. But my own things are always different. My achievement was a blunt trauma worse than a stroke. Judge this mater and tell me how I did wrong? How I deserved that slap, and how pregnancy is a cause for break up?

I have always told you why women are not good things: They can never be predicted. Add this also to that list.

It is known that women are generally worse during pregnancy, and that their hormones and emotions swing like pendulum at many intervals. So, I had supposed, after that slap, that she will call me to apologize and tell me some nice things. I supposed erroneously for two days.

I trampled on my ego and pride, and called her. She didn’t pick the calls. I supposed it was due to the bad cell network in the area. I wanted to go see her but the left side of my face would have none of it; it didn’t want another trauma. So I sent her a text message. I put all my reason into that message which after five phone pages climaxed with the fact that I would marry her and will be a good man and father to our child.

My phone tringed with her message and I smiled in satisfaction.

“Go to hell!”

I removed my SIM card, blew at it, swiped it, blew inside the phone too for good measure and then reinserted the SIM.

“Go to hell!”

It was no SIM error. She wanted me to go to hell. And she didn’t say how long she wanted me to stay there.

Slowly, it took some hours, as I examined and cogitated on the three words of her reply text , it began to dawn on me, very gently, that she didn’t want anything further to do with me.

You find it strange too, right? She didn’t even want to marry me. Imagine that! This is me we are chatting about here. Didn’t I tell you she was evil? Other single women play the pregnancy card to ensnare and enslave an unfortunate male, there I was, willing to be the unfortunate, yet she refused me. What do you make of that?

While I was coming to terms with her message requesting me to go spend some time in hell, and if I agreed, how best I should undertake the enterprise, three sharp raps on my door interrupted me.

I opened the door and encountered three policemen. They looked at me, and my eyes replied.





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50 thoughts on “Touch of Spite (2)” by kaycee (@kaycee)

  1. Kaycee, u no go kill me with laugh.

    1. @osakwe. Lol
      My brother, no vex.

  2. Hell sure hath no fury like a woman scorned. A case in point for all the emasculated men out there. Time to carry placards and demand for equality :-)

    A dirty slap!!! Seriously?? that hormonal surge is a terrible thing for the men folks.
    Guys beware!!!
    @kaycee: This is truly a touch of spite o and look where it’s leading the lover boy to…HELL!

    1. @midas
      Men need to make demand too abi?

  3. Oh no! Really wish u came up with something less predictable than pregnancy. And this weird behaviour of hers, hope there’s a better explanation for it than hormones. No be she say make u no use condom? So y is she acting up. Am hoping the sequel would ans dis question satisfactorily. I really was expecting more from this part 2!

    1. Eiyaa, @shadiat,
      How we go do am na?

  4. First, her weird behavior, now policemen…hmmmh…well we are waiting oh! Hope it will all tie up nicely…

    1. @ibagere
      I hope so too.
      Thanks for reading.

  5. Hehehe…make I laugh! Women!

    1. @chemokopi
      Laugh till they slap you.

    1. @ostar, thanks for reading.

  6. Beautiful write up as usual Kaycee…but talk true…is this really a fiction story? Sounds like a page from someones diary…

    1. Lol, @amy78
      This one is not part of the Ramblings of an Insomniac series.
      This is purely fiction, it shows in the way it has been jumping up and down. And now police have even been involved in the matter. I hope they dont spoil the story.

  7. Nice one @kaycee! You know how to keep your audience wanting more. I love the twist and I can’t wait to read part 3. However, I would just stay away from general comments like “It is known”.I noticed that you also said something similar in the first part. Otherwise good job!

    1. Thank you, @jefsaraurmax.
      But what is wrong with general comments? Ain’t they general?

      1. @ kaycee, as writers, don’t we have a duty to be original? Who wants to read something that has been rehashed hundred times over? I would avoid cliches just like I mentioned in the discussion we had previously. “It is known” or “we all know” or “all…are” fall into that category. Beside, you are too much a “one of a kind” person to fall into these banalities. Aren’t you? :-)

        1. @jefsaraurmax. Since that last chat we had on cliches and stereotypes, i have been wondering what exactly is wrong with using cliches.
          I mean, cliches are simply popular views, statements etc. There is a reason they became so popular.
          I am still developing my thoughts on the matter.
          A critic said JK Rowlings isn’t a very good writer because there were over seven cliches in the first page of one of the Harry potter books. My thought immediately was: “and so what?”

          1. JK Rowlings was writing for kids, so cliches were probably expected there.I don’t think that the audience you target is made of kids, is it? Cliches are boring because they are expected, stereotypes are untrue.I stay away from both but then again, to each his own…;-)

            1. @jefsaraurmax. You have points. I do not try to use clichés deliberately. But, as usual i am prone to wonder and question some kind of norms, like use of clichés and stereo types.

              I will think more on it and then maybe start a group to discuss it further.

              1. I think cliches are to be avoided mostly in thrillers. For funny writings, they’re to be encouraged in a way that you compare how your situations differ from the norm. This always funny. There are many technicalities to being funny.

  8. Kaycee you never cease to amaze me i hope too that the police do not spoil show o

    1. @ifiokobong
      Thank you so very much. I will leave those policemen stranded in the tale somehow. Trust me.

  9. I’m laughing. I’m confused. Still laughing and waiting… And no happy ending! Even though I know I’m shouting at a happy brick, hehehe!

    kudos Kaycee!

    1. @francis, thank you jare, for reading.

    1. @banky, LOL
      Take it easy with the weed.

  10. Go to hell joor!

    Nice! Nice!

    1. LOOL
      As a tourist or as resident?
      When sef?

  11. Any one that’s more ‘convenient’.

  12. I’m guessing the police were sent by the parents, or the irate secret other boyfriend, anyways, I know you will find a way to shock or wow us,
    nice read.

    1. @funpen, i might just drop the policemen unceremoniously.
      Lol. They know how to spoil things.

  13. @kaycee which kind palavar you con enter like this?kudos for sharing.

    1. @sambrightomo
      How have u been?
      Its fiction.

      1. very fine o.The difference between fact and fiction is almost unreal.

        1. Pls read my latest post “my tears…”and critique. It was published at about the same time this was published.

          1. I must have read it.
            But,lemme check,@sambrightomo

  14. Don’t tell me you never got around to asking how old she was?

  15. ghandi (@laavidaalocaa)

    i couldn’t stop laughing. the only reason that would kill this story for me is if u do not give us the part 3. i dey wait abeg. splendid work once more…

    1. @laavidaalocaa,
      I hope to come up with something soon

  16. Great stuff. Is there a part three yet? This kinda stuff remind me of those Hints magazines. I’m sure @kaycee winces at that comparison but I think those fellas did pretty well back then. See my comments up there about cliches. I find it interesting too.

  17. Fiction is fact embellished with the writers imagination..@Kaycee talk true jor.
    Writing without much frills, works nicely in your stories. Well done…$ß

    1. @sibbylwhyte
      Howdy? been trying to call you.
      What happened?

  18. @kaycee.. dunno… eMpTyheN is suffering a communications breakdown.. Been good though.

  19. Just read this…… And me no go gree o. Where the part 3 now?

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