If You Must Maintain the Mystery

If You Must Maintain the Mystery

There is a certain allure that mystery brings to an object, lifting it and enhancing its illusory. To be demystified is a not a very friendly affair. It does not encourage awe. That is why there is no much excitement in a 10 year old marriage. That is why your siblings are never great in your sight no matter how celebrated they are to the rest of the world. That is why lovers, spouses and children should be changed frequently. Where there is no mystery, there is little to excite and there is little to appreciate.

This is why your internet friendships should remain virtual.

The virtual world is a grand kingdom of possibilities and grandeur, a world of imaginations, freedom and garnishing of profiles, a glossy world without zoom capabilities; a world of mystery.

Leave it that way, if you please.

It is very dicey to bring your internet relationships from that world of vagueness and glory to this one of scrutiny and glare. If your virtual life is zoomed and viewed under a magnifying lens, all those likes would be turned to dislikes and instant unfollowings. Your online persona will do well if it is left vague and shrouded.

What started on twitter should blossom and flourish on twitter. Do not bring it to earth. To the dubious, and foolish, if you meet someone awesome on the internet, quick, consummate the thing. Do not wait. I repeat, do not wait to meet face to face. Consummate on facebook; sign that deal before you meet. And the Lord be with you.

Let me bring this nonsense down and close-up with some particulars.

You know that girl driving you crazy? Yeah, the one you tweet goodmorning to even before your wife? That beautiful lady that replies and retweets all your tweets and likes all your comments; leave her in your dreams. In real life, her face is not that Photo Shoppy; the acnes will terrify you, and she is much smarter online.

I think it would be better if I address my own virtual friends directly. If you don’t like me after this, well, what can you do, aside from unfollow? My heart can no longer condone the frequent bashings, disappointments and disorientation your online impersonation has brought upon my imaginations of you, all because we decided to meet in person.

To you, sir, you that write like you know everything; guy, that conversation we had face to face in the cinema… the typos that dropped from your mouth will kill a publisher. Can’t you talk like you write? And you, occupation: Editor, Farafina. Why didn’t you say it was only your dream Job, something you are hoping to achieve by the grace of God and by much faith?

And you, your profile picture had “you” in a plane holding an Ipad, but you came to the Book Reading on okada, holding your two Nokia torchlight phones like weapons. What further convinced me of your online impersonation was your dressing: green long sleeves on green trousers! Haba, that was not healthy. I had wonderful imaginations of you.

You, Miss high and mighty; you write for this paper, you write for that journal and that magazine. I have seen those magazines, they are terrible. You will not be forgiven for painting them up as the wonders they will never be.

You, my friend, you forgot that your ex girlfriend is on twitter, and that you had left her heart in an angry state, and that she knows things. She knows, for example, that the Jeep you owned in that your wonderful story that got 2600 views was actually for your boss and you are his driver and that driving is your day Job. It is a crime to be a driver, but it is not too terrible. One day, Oga, monkey go go market….

As for you that has your location stating London; they said they saw you o, and that they know where you live in Ikeja. And then you that tagged Madison Square garden as location for that picture… there was a BRT bus far behind. Zoom and you will see. If you must lie, write fiction.

Most of you didn’t exactly lie o, I agree, but guy, haba! That car you wrote you had an accident in, I sympathize o, but that thing no be car na. It was a wreck even before the small accident you garnished for us on your blog, and you made like the car was one of these expensive hybrids. You are not alone in this world. Some people know people who know people that know you.

And you, Mr Man, so that Free Lance Writer you have on your profile actually meant you have no Job and willing to take any offer? You could have been explicit; you don’t know where help will come from.

You took pictures in an eatery, to give the impression that you go there daily for lunch. Your outfit gave you away. Or do you have only those set of clothes in your wardrobe? You that keep giving advice and sounding like you are one old sage; so you are just 17, about to write your first Jamb? Weren’t you the one giving that woman marriage counsel the other day? Satan has seen you!

Where is that one that said he has multiple degrees in this and in that? I first suspected because in your DP you looked very young. I gave you the benefit of doubt, until you sent me your CV mistakenly. I didn’t say a word, but I read it wella. HND and OND are not multiple degrees. Computer center degree is also not among. NIM and that other course you took courtesy of NYSC freebie do not constitute multiple degrees. My brother, No dey lie!

I will not write your name or say your twitter handle, but guy, a mutual friend said you were in same hostel with him in Unizik. But the school on your profile is not even in Africa. Why do you people hate this Africa so much?

But, some of these bad things you do to me are not deliberate. Like you that actually put your true and reasonable picture without Photo shop and without sitting in the Hummer your cousin borrowed for her Just Wedded picture, and you with a DP you took on your doorstep and not in one foreign looking eatery, you both didn’t tell me you were so photogenic. Give a guy clue next time. When one looks before he leaps and still ends up breaking limbs, who should be blamed?

And you, well it is not your fault actually. Perhaps you write better than you speak or look. You are a terror on line but see how meek and frail you look. So na small geh you be seff?

All those people you talk to any how because you have online freedom and liberty, many are older than your father. All those people you give advice and criticize mercilessly, if you meet them their achievements would humiliate you, and some of them you can never stop referring to as Sirs and Ma’s.

All these people that I have mentioned without citation and proper referencing have one thing in common: they failed to sustain their mystery; they broke my heart. I advise that if you must meet on ground, then get your dual personalities in order. Because if these symptoms persist, you will search for me and I won’t come up. I will unfollow and block you. And I will cease to believe any of that your foolish Musings of this and Ramblings of that.

Now these are my recommendations to those of you that have any sense. The first is that you should never take your friends (ones you met there) out of twitter and facebook. Leave them there. Do not for any reason arrange to meet them in any stupid beach or boring Book reading or Cinema. They might be disappointments, or you might be the disappointment. I have warned you. If you want to keep being friends with these people then get closer to them online, only online. Being physically absent and unavailable is better for a body’s mysterious level, because absence allows the imaginations to garnish your persona.

But if you can manage to create more mystery around you by meeting your virtual friends, then by any means, do so. It is going to be a hard enterprise, because you cannot always maintain the swagger you have online on ground, especially in Naija. Your car might break down a day to that meet. The friend you bribed to pose as your driver might get a running stomach on the day. These things happen.

On a candid note, put up behaviours that are in sync with your facebook and twittter comments. Your social media profile is your CV, employers and prospective in-laws are watching. Even though we know you have to look good, and though we know it’s all about packaging, still, let your virtual presence have a little resemblance to your real self. Package your online profile well, in a way that will enhance your mysteriousness. Do not make your self too large and overly distant from your actual reality so that if you ever meet any of your online friends, or if your online persona is compared to the real you, there wont be much shock.

This is the safest path to tread. But I prefer to remain virtual.

I will not be demystified.


ff kc2031uzor

98 thoughts on “If You Must Maintain the Mystery” by kaycee (@kaycee)

  1. @kaycee, so I’m the first to comment, that’s exciting!
    This is so true…all those my facebook friends that have been pestering to see me, you might not be able to stand my beauty oh! Hehe…
    I’ve always believed that magic and science are never friends, because the latter always seeks to demystify the former.
    Thanks for sharing, Kaycee….

    1. @queennobo Baby! Magic and science eh? looool i am loving this !

  2. @queennobo, Thanks jare.
    I had even forgotten i posted this here, since sat

    1. So me and @kaycee are in sync, kind of? lol

      I have gotten used to meeting people who fall FLAT when placed next to the THEM I knew from some other world (Social Media, of course), so I won’t complain.

      Guess it’s the sickest symptom of the digital world; our world today!

      1. @tosinosha it isnt always the fault of social media, or even the person.
        People also assume a lot of things wrongly.
        A lot of people for example have ideas of me based on my writings.
        Some even believe am nice.

        1. And you’re not?!!!

          Sorry, I forgot jare. lol

  3. Aaaaah! @kaycee. The only grouse I have with this piece is that it is exactly what I’ve been musing on and meaning to write on soon. But you beat me to it – and wrote it better. No wahala sha.

    It’s a well done piece and an important one too. I personally prefer not to exchange numbers until after months of chat and… In fact, you don close case. Lemme broadcast this to peeps. Daalu! :-)

    1. Broadcast it wella!
      Tell them we would not be meeting too.
      Thanks for reading

  4. A candid and useful note indeed.

  5. lol….truth b told in a very plain manner.
    @kaycee, good job

  6. ‘I will not be demystified’. Now that’s a mantra that would stick to my lips like gloss.
    Interesting topic and a candid presentation of it…
    As always Kaycee, you make your opinions perfectly understood….Well done…$ß.

    1. Thank you sibbylwhyte,
      so…you still want us to meet?

  7. @kaycee. Of course! Why would I pass up on your offer?… There’s a clause though, come with your mask,..That should help keep the mystery if everything else fails…hehe.

  8. @kaycee. Of course! Why would I pass up on your offer?… There’s a clause though, come with your mask,..That should help keep the mystery if everything else fails…

  9. Coward buruku! @kaycee. I no dey surprised, this is you. And Sibbylwhyte…..

    1. @banky

      *talk to the hand*

      @admin, we need some smileys here o, so i can do these BB things.

      1. @kaycee,

        *tongue out*


  10. They sure drove that gurl crazy on facebook! God Bless her soul….not to be flippant or anything….If only she left it on facebook eh?

    However, there is strong merits for bringing online friendships offline. Very strong. I know quite a few of you very well know the story of the brains behind NS…I also know two couples at my work place who met online, then offline then got married.

    I av also made 2 very special friends from NS, after meeting them offline.

    These are guys who still maintain their presence behind funny avatars here.

    @kaycee if I wan do you finish now….

    Strong merits.

    1. So you finally read?

      @shai, what can you do?
      I wrote this, remember? so u should know that i have nothing to hide jare.
      I am what i am, no jara.
      But you know.

      There is only one thing u can say seff.

        1. @kaycee One more word from you!

          1. @shaifamily, you can inbox me or tweet me, if you are scared.

            1. @kaycee Why would I inbox you? To give you ya pic??? I can bluetooth it to you. faster that way.

              1. @shaifamily, you have my pics? lemme see.
                BB them to me abeg.

                1. BB ko, CC ni@kaycee
                  That rhymed well well!

                  1. The pictures please? The ones we too that last time we met.
                    I want to make sure they are not in circulation. Don’t want anybody making money by auctioning my pictures.

  11. Very amusing. Wonder y u posted it under fiction tho, cos it seems to be based on true events.

    1. @shadiat
      Tired of drama, so i posted it under fiction, hoping it would give me wriggling room.

  12. So funny, so true.
    Interesting read as usual.
    Meanwhile check your first paragraph.

    1. @osakwe
      Forgive that ‘a”

      1. Illusory or Illusory charm or Illusion?

  13. Sob. So we won’t meet? No way.You just ruined my day… ;-) Good one @kaycee.Maybe a little too long in the examples but maybe that’s just me. You made a good point though.

    1. Madame!
      Nice to have you here.
      Its not just you, i also think the examples are too much.

      1. @jefsaraurmax, you know i specially appreciate your comments.

        1. me , I like the examples o! I think i will write my version…. Nice @kaycee You brought the pepper home .

  14. I knew things were bad …but this is really bad.Do people really leave such double lives? its unfortunate.

    1. @amy78 double, triple, quadruple….it is virtual existence. World of avatars and false names. Why it is good to UNMASK the frauds.

      1. @amy78
        The death of that young lady, Cynthia, who was killed by her facebok pals gives credence to this. Wish she had read this.

        1. Yes….bearly 10mins after I read this I heared about her… Shows that common sense just isn’t had common as one thinks. A post grad student..a general for a father one would think she would have been wiser…Sad as it is her death will serve the purpose of opening the eyes of many.If she had been a nobody those murders would have simply moved on to their next set of victims.

          1. @amy78, I wont be so hasty in terming her as unwise, a lot of people do things like this and get away with it. Are you saying you have never done anything close to what she did? Like visiting a friend who you didnt know well enough?

  15. LWKMD! I refuse to be demystified too…lol!

    There will always be a facade in every aspect of life. It’s a very powerful tool to use though, that is if you really know how to use it… Kaycee I’ve always imagined you to be a talkative. Am I wrong? Hehehe!

    1. I dont even know. No body can make up their minds if i am or not. I know i can talk for hours when excited and in the mood. I also know i can go long hours without talking to anyone.

      @francis, why you wan know seff? Seeking to demystify me?


  16. More intriguing at its capability to mix veracity and falsity with an amazing intensity.

  17. You nailed this issue of internet friendships so aptly. Kudos,bro

  18. Internet friends…… Double standard…….Mystery……..
    Wonderful view at the topic……. Good

    1. @koyeda

  19. “If you must lie, write fiction!”

    That line got me by the hook and by the crook. Very very true…because fiction is not the truth but make-believe of the truth; an appearance or embroidery of what the truth looks like.

    Fabricated online personas are fiction…and they best stay that way.

    I’ve been wondering over and over in my mind what good meeting online friends in person might do to the online relationship; the familiarity might breed contempt, but the mystery breeds ever-growing interest and wonder.

    Years back, I recollect when I was on a now defunct forum, I became so powerful and influential on that forum that I some celebrities wanted to meet and work with me, One of them even sent a gift to me …I sat back and wondered…what if they finally meet me? What next?

    I never went to the forum’s reunions; I thus remained an enigma till this day.

    Yeah…@kaycee you’re right, the mystique is the soul of your online identity.

    1. @afronuts
      But then, some good can actually come out of these meets. especially when a body is exactly what they are online and offline. Truly, if a body is as great online as they are on ground it would not be bad to meet at all?

      Only the guilty are afraid.

      @afronuts, confess!

      1. LMAO…@kaycee

        Did you say some good can come out of the meets? I din’t see anything saying that up there in your post!
        yeye boi…na me you dey call guilty? No make me pour san san for your garri oh!

        oya…answer why you no show face for any NS meet…at least I was there once but no one knew…tsk

        1. ANA Lagos chapter had a meeting on same day. I chose ANA, especially as the NS meet had mostly guys.
          @afronuts, i know you have lots of things to hide. I understand.
          But me, i no dey hide. My BB pins are online, even here, and my phone numbers too. I have my true picture too.


          1. lol!!

            @kaycee…Me? Things to hide? You make that sound as if I be some conspiracy in human form.

            You’re trying to make me demystify myself abi? lol…u put jazz for mouth?

            And with all your contact details available…sounds contrary to what you wrote.You don demystify yaself oh…

            1. For some people meeting up on ground will even add to the mystery.

              1. wah’s wif the “demystifying” tok sef? Wah is dia to demystify?
                Guys, put ur cards on d table….no sleight of hand allowed!
                Unless, you be woh woh pesin, broke-ass pesin or cripple or somefin horrible….

    2. @Afronuts !!!!! POINT! Even in Enestera… terms and conditions… This is interesting, I have a mystery persona and one babe thought I was a ninteen year old guy! X-)

  20. @kaycee: Truth is, after reading this, I seriously want to meet you physically :-)


    I’m not surprised by any of these…your write-ups and the themes you so perspicaciously pick on (I’m not sure I’ll be able to pronounce that “perspicaciously” in one long breath, but I need not remind you not to be fooled) are just so spot-on.

    After a while I guess you start developing a sense of who a writer is especially when he writes the stuffs you do. Fiction I agree is a differnt thing.

    Yea the virtual internet is one big fantasy world. It’s all about keeping up appearances and all that jazz. I partially agree with you that that shroud of misery in many cases may be better left on.

    There is no such thing like what you see is what you get anymore. Photoshop ensured that!

    But sometimes beneath all the layers of disguise and appearances, you can profoundly sense something endearing and mutual about a person and decide to follow up on it.

    Heck, sometimes I don’t believe the things I do ! (can you believe that??) Why should I then expect so much from someone I met on the internet.

    It’s the way I see it sha but unfortunately I’m that wild strain outside the tag of an “average internet user” .

    I have learnt to keep my expectations toward internet folks tethered and on a short leash, no high hopes or lofty expectations.
    I take it all in my strides.

    There is a line for this in one of Asa’s song
    “How can I ever be who I want to be without you looking at me like a wanna-be”, which at some point is the reality of what we go through as a budding writer.

    So if i goofed grammatically when I speak, know that it’s not that different when I write, I only have the benefit of auto- correct and the entire set of proof-reading tools that aid my writing.

    1. @midas, if you dont speak as well as you write, then you simple have to improve your speech. or perhaps you only need to think before you speak.

      We will meet if there’s a good reason. You will not be shocked or surprised.

      1. Yea I guess I won’t be shocked. What you see is what you get huh?

        And you are right about thinking before speaking. The world will be better for it if we all live by that rule.

        However the improvement thing is a continuum, there is no end to it, and to think there is no more to learn is to die.

        1. so, crop your avatar well.

          1. @kaycee: Everybody should be allowed a little air of mystery o. Maybe it’s my avatar that does it for me on NS, maybe not :-)

            The earth itself is tilted on its axis.It’s why we have the seasons and who knows what else the astronauts have not been able to uncover yet from that singular phenomenon. Mystery everywhere.

            But sha the skewed cropping was intentional o. I dont know why I leave it be but I kinda like it.

              1. @shaifamily, crop your own avatar well too.

                1. @kaycee d piece is not abt avatars, right?but abt d discordance btw d personality people project online and. Wah D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ are in real life. Right?

                  1. @shai, am not sure myself.

              2. @shaifamily: Na so now.And I see your hood too :-)

                1. Is dt so? Dt is for here. Am very visible elsewhere….

                    1. @kaycee lemme. When a femme comes along, I’ll tell…not you!

  21. Well, I am guilty of mystery but of falshood I stand acquitted thank you. :-) Fabulously Apt piece. Great timing with the Cynthia murder. Weak opening line/paragragh. Great lessons and examples
    @kaycee are these real people??!!!????

    1. @nicolebassey, what do you know about weak lines??

      1. @kaycee read your opening sentence/paragraph and edit it or pay someone to do it for you. lol. You no sabi say illusory be adjective? mtchew, you enhance Illusory something eg charm or was it illusion you wanted to type? enh? Nwokem.

        1. @nicolebassey,
          I could have used illusion or illusoriness, but i preferred illusory.Some adjectives can actually end a sentence. At any rate, i wont change the word, i don’t care if its right or wrong, i like the sound.
          Thank you for pointing it out, do point out others.

          1. you dont have to remove the word just include the noun it qualifies eg charm etc

            1. The word illusory is already qualifying something. Read deeper.
              Like i said, it is as i prefer.
              @nicolebassey, stop the worry.

  22. @banky, @afronuts, if not that the musketeer ranks has been filled, you guys would have made good musketeers.

  23. very resourceful- good piece man

  24. Daireen (@daireenonline)

    Just read this and one word comes to mind… APT. Sometimes I wonder whether the demystification actually kills the friendship. The thrill evaporates :( thumbs up, really enjoyed it.

    1. @daireenonline, no friendship lasts without its thrills.

      1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

        @kaycee I know dis, being an enigma meself. think wolverine think me.

        1. Lol
          Wolverine @daireenonline.
          I hear you.

  25. @kaycee: this oozes with just the kind of fluid expression I’ve come to expect from you. satisfactory, point taken…but some people don’t need to invent alternate online personalities to be mysterious, or intriguing. also, while this was a ‘fun read’, it isn’t ‘funny’.

    1. @lelouch
      Thanks for reading?

  26. good advice, sir. points taken

  27. a head wordsmith stealing my mind away……… this is good

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