Mosquito and me

Mosquito and me

It is the year 2012 and three things are definitely set to rise in Nigeria: The sale of generators, the tension over Boko Haram bombings, and the population of mosquitoes. Yes, these good-for-nothing insects have swarmed the earth since the time of the dinosaurs and specifically the anopheles mosquitoes have been responsible for carrying the deadly malaria parasite which kills thousands of africans up to this day. Well, I decided a few days ago (after a couple of extremely itchy and sore mosquito bites on my arms and legs) to get lethal.

I stopped by my local supermarket on my way back from work and roamed the isles looking for the most effective insect repellent (especially the triple action variety to suit my usual uninvited guests – mosquitoes, ants and cockroaches). My choices were: Mobil (I thought these guys specialized in oil exploration!); Rambo (just because it sounds lethal and has a red bandana on the letter ‘O’ doesn’t mean its a one-man one-can killing machine!) Raid (Now here’s something thats a proven hit but the smell is absolutely horrendous…think Nail Varnish Meets Burning Incense!); Baygon (Oh yeah baby! Effective with a clinical but bearable smell…this is definitely the bees knees. Time to cop me some mosquito heads).

I arrived at my flat with a sinister grin as I walked up my flight of stairs. I walked through the corridor into my living room and proceeded to the mosquito zone; my bedroom. If Stanley Kubrick was still alive he would probably agree that my barging into the room (brandishing a trusted can of insecticide) was a ‘Shining’ moment indeed as I blurted out ‘Heeeere’s Baygon!’. I shook the can a few times as instructed and sprayed every last inch of that room till the can was almost empty. And there was silence. The air was misty. Strangely enough I heard a tiny but distinct cough coming from under my bed so I pulled out a nearby torchlight and went on all fours. To my surprise I it was a mosquito…a dying mosquito. But how was I able to hear it cough? Or did I just fly over the cuckoo’s nest???

Mosquito: ‘Is it not enough that you suffocate me with these poisonous fumes? (cough) (cough) and now you want to finish me off with a torchlight? What are you going to do? Blind me to death too? Look I don’t have much time left…but there is something you should know. There is a deadly toxin coursing through your veins. The antidote is in my belly but you have to extract it with a syringe before I die or else…game over!

Me: Er…isn’t that something you just made up after watching the SAW movie?

Mosquito: You got me! Good movie, isn’t it?

Me: Huh?… Tell me, what is your purpose on earth?

Mosquito: We were put on earth by God to control the population levels, I suppose. Do YOU know what your purpose on earth is?

Me: Hey, I’ll be asking the questions here. You spread malaria, leave itchy bites and hum in my ear while I’m asleep. Quite frankly, you suck!

Mosquito: You said it, Einstein. I suck…blood, that is. And fortunately for you mosquitoes can’t harbour the HIV virus. Your species would long have been wiped out. But there’s something else we’re planning…

Me: We? You mean the rest of you mosquitoes?

Mosquito: Aren’t you the smart one, eh? We are many and we will soon descend on you all like a plague. There will be nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. There will be blood…

Me: That’s it. I’ve heard enough.

There I was being threatened by a sarcastic, little insect about a possible mosquitogeddon. I shook what was left in the can and drowned the mosquito in a pool of insecticide spray. It choked, and its abdomen stopped moving. I went to bed that night and a few hours later I could hear a humming in my ear again but this time it was audible and this is what I heard, to my horror…

… ‘Weeee’re baaaack!’

Note to self: Should have bought Rambo.

35 thoughts on “Mosquito and me” by jollof (@jollof213)

  1. Lol.You are a real advertiser.Well done!

  2. Enjoyed it. Is ur book out? How can I get it? @jollof213.

    1. Glad you enjoyed it @louis My book is currently with my publisher and is estimated to be released by September this year. It will be available as an ebook and as a hardcopy in selected bookshops. I’ll keep you posted.

  3. funny story with a nice twist @jollof213!The most active repellents have deet and he best way to get rid of mosquitoes is to get rid of stagnant water because this is where they breed. I can totally relate to this story because we just started the hurricane season here and that is the rainy and mosquitoes season…

    1. lol. You’ve really got the scoop on mosquitoes down to a T. My windows are constantly closed – that’s how paranoid I am about unwanted ‘visitors’. I’ve got Baygon now as a back-up (more available in the market). Take care and take cover @jefsaraurmax !

  4. Hahahaha! They are back indeed. Your body would have double the number of bumps on it, by the morrow. Well done…$ß.

  5. Lol! Rambo it is then, nice…

    1. Thanks a mil!

  6. me i always use baygon to fight this useless vermins- well done

    1. If only after Baygon they stay gone, lol. Cheers @mikeeffa

  7. hehehe… hilarious especially at the end. I see you lived to tell the story.

  8. ITN. insecticide treated net, is your best bet. nice one,well done!

  9. looool. this is funny. Should have bought Rambo indeed.

  10. Listen to @jefsaraurmax. Funny. Loved it.

  11. Nice story, for me i am done inhaling chemicals, i just use mosquito net instead. Rambo it is Gongoni the coy that makes them are good.

  12. i sprayed baygon this nite and same thing happened they’re back..

    1. @patilalla, get the new RAMBO!! Yeah! ;)

    2. lol@patialla. I hate when that happens :)

  13. This is one of the funniest posts I have read here in a while. This is lovely Jollof! Thanks for the smiles…it’s one of those things a man should read in the morning! N I C E!!

    1. Thanks a lot for those kind words @sueddie. Your comment has made my day and that is the effect I want my writings to have on everyone who reads them. The Lord is my strength :)

  14. Interesting jare!

    Well done.

    1. Thanks for reading @Eletrika

  15. You should have really bought RAMBO; you know “one man kill, no one escape”…… And hey
    9ice concept……..

    What’s the title of your oncoming book and what’s it about?

  16. Thank you @kodeya. The Crazy Nigerian is a collection of all my intriguing childhood, teenage and adult experiences within Nigeria and the United Kingdom. It’s a comical take on my journey to self-discovery and my desperate
    attempts to fit into this odd world. Coming soon…

  17. LOL! However, I still prefer Baygon. Rambo is an old man now.

  18. hahahahahahahahaha…very funny…I loved it. Especially the ‘barging into the room part’…

  19. Crazy 9ja?

    Guy your ink flow and the blow kill.

  20. Biko thank you for the chicken soup. So sweet.

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