Nemesis 1

Nemesis 1

Chisom didn’t know why she had suddenly woken up at that time of the night, but at that moment she did, she noticed that her cubicle felt as though all the air inside it had been carefully channeled out through the open window. She felt the stickiness of her silky night-wear against her body and hissed. She was drenched in perspiration. No thanks to the useless NEPA, she thought angrily. She hissed again as she ran her right hand lazily over her face to clear its drowsiness, before raising up her head to see if the window on the head-side of her bed was still open as she had left it before going to bed. It still was. She turned away from the window and looked around the dark room. She could barely make out anything inside it. The night was starkly dark.

At that moment, Senior Odion’s thought which had of recent resurrected in her head suddenly sprang up again, and she quickly pressed her eyes shut as if to smudge it. But as she did that, a dark red hue spread over her vision. And then that last image she saw of her, widely stretched eyes that held extreme shock and mouth thrown half agape in terror, with thick slimy blood spurting out from a deep gash in the middle of her head that nearly severed it into two, sprang up. Her pulse quickened as stiffening fear riveted through her, and she rolled herself up on the cold bed and held her head with her hands.

That fateful night of the incidence which had led to that unfortunate situation, everything had happened too fast, too fast even for Senior Odion to have let out a scream. All of a sudden, Chisom was grateful that Senior Odion hadn’t, because that would have been her quickest route to insanity. She was sure the scream would have reverberated in her head until she went crazy. In her terrified state, several wishes began to cross through her mind all at the same time. All directed to her past.

She wished her Dad had never chosen that school for her in the first place. She wished her Mum had listened to her when she used to complain about how evil the seniors were. She wished that she had ignored the stories of her elder sister about the ways they dealt with their seniors in her own school. She wished that she hadn’t made even the slightest attempt to try to deviate from her naive, ever-willing-to-please nature; at this thought her body trembled. She even wished that she hadn’t been intelligent, so that she wouldn’t have had any cause to be made a house captain and be put in this cubicle that now worsened the torment on her senses.

In the government owned school, only house captains had the privilege to own cubicles. Other students stayed in large halls. But since her nights began to be haunted by dreadful thoughts and images of Senior Odion, it no longer felt like a privilege. In fact, it felt worse than torture. She had only stayed on because she had a companion, Ify her bunk-mate. If not, she would have boldly defied the school rules and regulations forbidding students to sleep more than one on a bed, or leave their bed space.

In the silence of the room, her bunk-mate’s snoring wheezed on. At first she made to nudge her bed which was above hers to stir her, but immediately thought against it when she found out that she was too scared to stand the louder snoring that would accompany her action before the snoring eventually stopped.

Scared?…something must be really wrong with her! Yes, of recent Chisom was sure things were no longer right with her. She noticed she had become excessively sensitive to trivial happenings around her. The other night in prep class, she had nearly pushed out Adibe’s innards with her fist when she woke her up to return to the hostel since everyone had already left the class.

At that moment, she remembered the W.A.E.C examination which was slated to begin that morning. Perhaps that was the reason she was awake. But she hadn’t planned to read that night. Fact was that she hadn’t even planned to burn the mid-night oil all through the exam period. She had started early enough to prepare for the exam, and so had no fear about it. In fact, she was even sure she could boast of having almost the entire contents of her textbooks carefully lodged in her memory. Yes, that was how much she had studied. Besides, she had revised that night before going to bed. So, for these reasons, she was sure the upcoming exam wasn’t why she was awake. But she couldn’t be so sure. It could be the excitement.

At that moment she raised her head to check her school uniform which she had carefully arranged and hung on the leg-side of her bed. It had received special handling the previous day because of the special purpose it was to be used for, which was the exam. For the very first time in that school, she had ironed it. She had then arranged it on a plastic hanger in the way it was expected to be on her when she wore it; white shirt worn over red skirt pulled up the wide end of the hanger from beneath. She had then hung the beret on the hook of the hanger.

The moment she raised her head to check the uniform, she never brought it down again.

She never recovered till W.A.E.C was over.



41 thoughts on “Nemesis 1” by Eletrika (@babyada)

  1. Whoa. This is scary.

    I think a couple of sentences could use some editing/rewriting. For example:

    “At that moment, Senior Odion’s thought which had of recent resurrected in her head suddenly sprang up again, and she quickly pressed her eyes shut as if to smudge it”

    How about:

    “At that moment, thoughts of Senior Odion which had only recently resurrected in her suddenly sprang up again. She quickly pressed her eyes shut, as though to quell it”

    Something about the cohesion of the story too…but @babyada dear, you can write. This is good stuff.

    1. Yeah, I get you. I’ve also just seen a few adjustments I would have made if I hadn’t posted it.

      Thanks.

  2. @babyada, this feels just starting but a little off. I didnt feel ANYTHING while reading this. Try as I may, I didnt find the scenes scary, not even those that were supposed to make me feel so especially that second paragraph. I believe it didnt come across as it should. I maybe wrong, but you might need to look through this again and bring on the horror from the beginning. Horror should be nothing but horror.

    My take baby.
    Nice

    1. I understand. I really do. Anyway, the horror will come in the next installment.

  3. I guess reading and perception are relative. I liked this a lot and the suspense came through for me. Of course, maybe some lines need to be tightened with editing, but otherwise, good job. Looking forward to the next.

    1. Thanks, Myne. This is quite encouraging. I’ll try to do that in the next installment.

  4. Well it’s a good start. My assessment will be better in the next one. Well done!

    1. Alright. Let’s see.

  5. It was very hard for me to read. I had to read and re read.
    Why is that?

    1. Kaycee you know why. Your mind is elsewhere. Come back!

  6. Something’s got her spooked alright and I can’t wait to find out.
    Interesting read so far.

    1. Thanks @Dotta-Raphaels. You’ll find out soon.

  7. …She didn’t bring her head down for almost 2 months??…hehehe..
    Waiting for the next…Well done..$ß

    1. Yes, Bubbllinna. Too bad, after that long preparation.

  8. This was well written. And there’s a good story here, too.

    A couple of lines confused me. For example, there was this:

    ” And then that last image she saw of her (saw of who? Herself, or Senior Odion? , (should this comma be here?) widely stretched eyes that held extreme shock and mouth thrown half agape in terror, with thick slimy blood spurting out from a deep gash in the middle of her head that nearly severed it into two, sprang up. ( was it the image that sprang up?If so, it would be better to break this sentence up. In fact, the length/construction of the sentence dilutes its force; a shame, because this line should carry a punch.) ”

    But I liked the last two lines; they tell of something ominous. Looking very much forward to the next part; please let’s not have an abandoned project like this. :)

    1. Tola, thanks. But it’s still good to know I’m getting better. That’s what matters to me now.

      Concerning the abandoned work, it’s not o. Infact, the rest is ready. But I’m reluctant to post it. Maybe I’ll later do. But for now, I don’t know.

  9. I enjoyed reading this! After such a long absence from NS, I’m happy to see that good writing has not waned here. I noticed you had some difficult sentences going on in the story which kind of makes the reading cluttered. e.g from the first paragraph –
    “Chisom didn’t know why she had suddenly woken up at that time of the night, but *at that moment she did, she noticed that her cubicle felt as though all the air inside it had been carefully channeled out through the open window.”
    The sentence went on too long without a pause. It could have read thus: “Chisom didn’t know why she had woken up at that time of the night, but a moment later she did. She noticed that her cubicle….”
    You could apply that to some other paragraphs also.
    Great job. The suspense worked for me.

    1. Thanks @Ife-watson. I’ll keep trying.

  10. Good start. I just wonder how she saw the uniform in the darkness. I have a story about hostel too. I’ll post it soon.

    Good job. Waiting for the next part.

    1. @gooseberry, what if I tell you I suspected you would ask that?
      Anyway, I never actually said she did. She only made to check it. Probably she had even forgotten that she wouldn’t be able to see it.

      1. Lol @babyada. Nice one. Waiting for next part sha. Post it o, don’t leave us hanging like that choir romance story.

  11. This story . . . what can I say? I can’t wait to find out what happened that kept her down till WAEC was over. It’s a great story and the suspense comes across in the last lines quite strongly. Thank you.

    1. @sontel, thanks. I hope the next installment will fill your curiosity.

    2. I’m really wating.

  12. Oyenwen Odia (@oyodia)

    Nice story. I’m usually not into horror, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I didn’t get the whole Senior Odion gist sha, ‘That fateful night of the incidence (shouldn’t it be incident?)which had led to that unfortunate situation. Everything had happened so fast, too fast even for Senior Odion to have let out a scream.’. I’m guessing you’re keeping us in suspense but I think there’s something off about the sentence. Last 2 lines are my best. Waiting for part2

    1. Thanks, @Oyodia, I’ll check the errors.

  13. Spooky stuff, @babyada. Waiting to read the next drop to get a good feel for the story. Good piece.

    1. @howyoudey, I hope the next installment would make up for your wait.

  14. Definitely a scary story that many of us who attended Naija boarding schools can relate to.
    You did a good job in establishing the school setting and occurrences.

    But I’m sort of lost in some places…you start off with some suspenseful descriptive nature but seem to not want to further build it. I feel the story isn’t full yet…its a story that can build into a terrifying narrative. I’ve read some other things you’ve written eletrika and I know you can do a mind-blowing justice to this…

    And that ending…it set horrifiic expectations rolling…that was a nasty cliffhanger, got your readers by the jugular.

    1. @Afronuts, your assessment is true. I stopped the suspense halfway so that I would have something to give in the last part. I hope the last part will come out well.

  15. Gud 1 @babyada,pls quench my thirst by posting the nxt installment…2 thumbs up 4u.

    1. I will. I only hope it’ll come out as good as I expect.

  16. Nice. Wasn’t really scary sha, tho from previous comments it looks like the ladyfolk think it is, probably cos they’r ladies n can beta picture it..
    Wanted to say something else, but it just might be a spoiler, so I’l just say welldone @babyada.Looking forward to some real “Elektrik” in the sequel

    1. @literati, I know it isn’t. You’ll see more of that in the next part.

  17. I dont like this. Quite unlike you. I endlessly waited for the bomb…

    1. Continue waiting naaw!

  18. Liking it already, lemme see wat happens next

  19. Will keep my fingers crossed whilst waiting for the next installment.

    1. I hope you won’t do that for long. Thanks.

  20. Soon, you will. Thanks.

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