Giving the Guy who wants the job a chance

By Ochuko Tonukari

One thing I discovered recently is that, there are many girls out there who are hooked up to guys who really do not care a hoot about them. They keep ‘killing’ themselves over a man who, as it were, has his heart somewhere else. Meanwhile, there are a good number of sincere guys who comes around them, begging and pleading to be given opportunity to prove their love. These girls allow themselves to be carried away by the charm of a particular guy until much later, closer to their 30s than 20s, are they awoken to reality by heartbreaks and disappointments.

While a complete negative response from a guy you like can be painful, there is something far more painful: the part-time lover. He likes you (or so he says) and he may even maintain he care about you to a certain extent. But he can’t give his time to a relationship right now.  He will willingly and happily spend some time with you, but you’re pretty much indebted to his lifestyle. When he wants to be with you, he’s all in. But when he doesn’t, your phone calls and text messages may go without being seen and your requests for sufficient time, denied.

The part-time lover is extremely unlike the guy who merely calls for sex and perhaps an occasional date; he acts like a boyfriend, function like a boyfriend, behave like a boyfriend… but just for days, even hours, at a time. The clues you get are very baffling; how can somebody treat you like he cares, but maintain that he doesn’t want to have anything “serious”? If he doesn’t want to be your man, why does he take pleasure in playing the part even on occasion?

There are a number of reasons that can clarify the attitude of this vague and evasive guy. He may be newly out of a relationship and either uninterested in or even scared of beginning a fresh one. He might actually like your company, but fail to see you as the person he wants to settle down with, thus being satisfied playing around until he finds something more vital. Or, more shockingly, he may be seeing another woman and is splitting or sharing his time between you both. Regrettably, no matter what the reason is for his behavior, it isn’t going to make you feel any better so long as you aren’t getting what you desire.

How do you keep on? In the first place, be frank with yourself. Are these bits and pieces of a man sufficient for you, or do you want someone who is entirely faithful to a relationship? If you are satisfied with his lackadaisical approach to dating, then go on with it, but be certain that you deal with your expectations properly. While you can express or register your displeasure if your part-time lover disappoint on a date or breaks a promise, you cannot get perturbed if he continues with this attitude. For how long will you continue like that anyway? If somebody tells you what they intends to do, then you shouldn’t be shocked when they do just that.  If he feels that the likelihood of losing you is worth adjusting to your needs, then he may step up and give you what you requested. If he remains deep-rooted to his ‘no relationship’ approach, then you have a duty to yourself to let him go if you  can’t see yourself getting past your need for something serious. It may be agonizing or hurting at first, but you would be doing yourself a world of good in the long run.

Women (and men) do themselves a lot of harm when they go out with someone who they know isn’t interested in the same people as they are. Even when we say, “I can handle that,” we are oftentimes furtively hoping that if the quality time, the sex and the home-cooked meals are good enough… he’ll see how amazing we are. It doesn’t normally work that way. If he has so decided not to become your full-time lover, no amounts of change on your part can do otherwise. Every other thing will amount to self-killing and I think this is too much for someone who hardly cares.

If you do make your mind up that you can keep on dating someone under these circumstances, be certain that you are at least cautious not to grant him the rights and freedoms befitting a “bona fide” boyfriend. You don’t get a full-time pay for a part-time job, do you? This is not the guy who should have your nose constantly unwrap, nor should he be able to just call you up at anytime and have you in his presence anytime he feels. Don’t play yourself and give him access to your time for unimportant, inconsequential and carnal reasons. What he invests into this affair should be what he gets out of it, and the same goes for you. Keep it fun, keep it light.

It may be difficult for you to get past the thought of how ideal things could be, if only he’d just see you for the wonderful and unique lady that you are. But, darling sister, you are only writing the steps, procedures and recipe for your own heartbreak so long as you try and press a square peg into a round hole. Your time, talent and flair are better suited for a guy who is really alive to the prospect of being in a relationship. The sooner you dismiss, sack and fire your part-time lover, the sooner you can find somebody who crave for the job and will labor for all the gains. Be wise and think about it.

5 thoughts on “Giving the Guy who wants the job a chance” by Ochuko Tonukari (@ochuko)

  1. Well…Dis is a candid wake up call to ‘part time’ lovers…

    There are a couple of errors in d piece but you would get em’ on a reread… well done..

  2. Good article, @Ochuko, although a better title for the article is “Giving the guy who doesn’t want the job no chance”.

  3. This is spot on… Men just have a way of supressing women and taking advantage of their weaknesses… Many times, I don’t blame the women. After they have been lied to, only to discover the ugly truth later, do they then run away and keep meeting the wrong guys and keep losing their dignity and esteem?

    I guess that’s the major reason why girls hold on to a guy that doesn’t love them. Are they running to a safer place or to a worse place? How can they even know?

    Cool writeup.

  4. Very candid take on the subject. There’s really no need pleading with anyone, male or female to have some respect for themselves. Anyone in a situation like that ,welcomes it perhaps until it becomes unacceptable to them.

    Who would remain in a job they are unhappy with? Emotional weakness is a two way streak..value for self is the only objective period! My take that is.

  5. RIO (@riowrites)

    People’s emotional needs are often a throw back from their family life. It is deep rooted and goes beyond just having self respect.

    Recognizing the signs as you have posited here is indeed key. Well done.

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