Soccer Loving Presido

Soccer Loving Presido

General Anuba sat on a big chair in the sitting room. He had a bowl of kunu in his hand. On the wall, directly above his head was a large framed picture of him. The expression on his face was similar to the expression he had in the picture. He was a hard man, always ready to punish for sins committed and those not committed.

The game was on and the Brazilians were thrashing the national team, three goals to one.

He pressed a button on the phone beside him.

‘Come in, right now,’ he said.

Kami, the CSO, walked smartly into the office and saw that same vexation on his boss’ face. He thought that one of those bloody press guys had done another ‘bad’ news about his boss and it was time to pay back. ‘Well done, Sir,’ he said.

General Anuba looked at him and asked, ‘who are the bloody people in charge of our football?’ and before the CSO could speak, he concluded, ‘put them all in prison.’

It was not the bloody press, Kami realized; it was football that made his boss’ ugly face, uglier.

‘Sir, if I may speak on the matter.’ The General, with his eyes fixed on the television, signaled him to talk.

‘We are playing against the Brazilians…Sir. No one beats the Brazilians…Sir.’

‘Nonsense! Rubbish! You talk like civilians’, he said, ‘boy, you are in the army, football is strategy just like war. You plan it well and you win, you don’t,’ he points to the television, ‘this is what happens to you, international disgrace. Is the coach from our country?’

‘No Sir, he is a white man.’

Haba! Why can’t we use our own people? Don’t we have coaches in the army? A white man! We cannot really deal with him, just sack him and send him out of the country. I don’t want those Amnesty idiots to keep disturbing me.’

‘Sir, what of our own officials?’

‘What about them? I give you orders to put them in prison.’

‘And the players?’

‘Yes, them too’, he replied, ‘…no…no, leave the players, some of them work in Europe, right?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘Leave them. I don’t want white government people at my door. Just pay them half salary, that’s all.’

The CSO stood fixated and watched the game. He knew his boss wasn’t joking but he remembered the local press.

‘Alright Sir…but…’

‘What is it again?’ This time around, the General looked at his face.

‘It is the press, sir and the human rights people. They will start talking nonsense.’

‘Press! Human Rights! Labour Leaders!’ He sighed. ‘Bloody people, always talking nonsense, saying my government is bad. They want civilians again but they are worse people. What is wrong with our people?’

‘It is the Press, Sir,’ but General Anuba did not seem to hear his CSO, he continued to talk.

‘Civilians are bad! Don’t they know that already? It happened first, second and third time. When they were in power, they destroy everything, our economy, our national dignity and everything…Kami, what did you say?’

‘The press people tell the people what to believe, Sir.’

‘Oh! The press…tell them they were arrested for mismanagement of funds, after all, everybody is stealing money nowadays, except me.’

Kami smiled. General Anuba looked at him irritably, ‘what is funny? We are losing the game and you are happy?’

‘No Sir, I am just thinking of what to do them, when we arrest them.’ He lied. His thoughts were on what his boss had just said. Everybody is stealing money nowadays, except me. His boss had lied.

‘Is that funny?’

‘No longer funny Sir.’ Kami said and walked out of the room.

~~

Few minutes later, General Anuba called, ‘Did you watch the game? Those boys are wonderful. They came back and killed the Brazilians. I told you, football is strategy, if you plan it well, you win.’

‘That’s right, Sir’, Kami’s voice beamed on the phone, ‘but…’

‘Yes, I’m listening.’

‘The order, Sir…mismana-’

‘Forget about that. Suspend the arrest,’ General Anuba replied and ended the call.



29 thoughts on “Soccer Loving Presido” by Ladipo Titiloye (@ladman)

  1. This is somehow confusing. It started as an interesting story…but then ended as…what?

    Maybe it’s just me. Let’s hear from my betters.

  2. oooooooookay!!!

    What was the morale?

  3. Noooo! I don’t like that kind of ending joor. Aweee.

    But it felt hilarious. Just like the General, I’m the only person that can be Nigeria president and won’t steal money.

  4. Brilliant! I really enjoyed this.

    But the ending was too abrupt naaawww. And you should have climaxed the humour at the end.

    Give us a sequel that develops the character of General Anuba much more…with better humour!

    Nice work.

  5. Thanks to you all. I never saw the ending as abrupt just the way things operate but I will look into it. maybe make General Anuba call them in for dinner. Thanks again.

  6. Guy, it ended as it should. Don’t spoil it.
    It is a good short story.

  7. I loved this jo! It was really funny!

    I’m surprised that some of you can’t appreciate the humor and stark realism of this story.

    @teewah …must every story be carrying a morale?

    @Seun-Odukoya …how in the world can this be confusing? Maybe you should read it when you’re in a better mood.

    lol! And this is a short story…why una dey call for continuation? Una wan turn am to series be that.

    This kind of short story should be seen as more of a parody of military rule.

    I don’t think this story requires a continuation and I feel the ending is perfect at where Kami finally walks out of the room:

    Lastly, I dont think we need the part where the General changes his mind after the national team wins the game.

    Well done Titiloye! I like the way you write!

    1. Guy @afronuts …don’t take it on yourself to correct the perceptions of people. You’ll have less problems that way.

      If I said that – I said it because I saw it. Respect that if nothing else…and leave me to mine.

      Understand?

      Thank you much.

      1. @Seun-Odukoya …point of correction – I wasn’t correcting anybody’s perception. I think you misunderstood me. Read my comment again. I believe I said ‘maybe’ somewhere…

        You’re taking things way too personal.

        This is just me voicing an opinion. You too respect that.

        Understood?

        Bless you!

        1. Guys, there’s absolutely no need to fire salvos @each other. It’s just a story and everyone is free to have an opinion.

        2. Sir…your opinion is in respect/response of/to my opinion…which I do not see a need for. Why did you not just state your ‘opinions’ and leave it at that? Why take anyone’s head on?

          You made it personal, home boy. I’m just following your lead.

          Your ‘maybe’ in there suggests I do a ‘re-read when I’m in a better mood’. What do you think that means/suggests?

          Maybe you need to understand better how to use your words/structure your sentences so as not to send the wrong message across.

          You dig?

          Remain blessed.

          And I mean that too.

          1. Hold your waving hands let me get in.

            Thank you.

            Emm loveliest @seun…it’s okay. When you know someone’s character, let him be.

            Afrokinky…it’s okay too. When you know someone’s character, let him be too.

            1. Hehehehehehehehe. See diplomacy.

              Thank you, @babyada.

          2. Okay…I’ll let it rest here b4 more misunderstanding ensues!

            If it goes on, it’ll end nowhere….

            Truce?

            1. I don’t have a problem with you, @afronuts. In fact…

              Truce. We’re cool.

              Until the next time…LMAO!!!!!

          3. Oya, another one… @afronuts, you still dey loook… gi’ am! gi’ am! Lool! Na wa for you guys….

            1. lol @Gboyega Otolorin …If i decend on you…you wan chop cane abi?

  8. Just my kind of story. Short. Has a message. Sprinkled with humour.

    I love it.

  9. Mr. Titiloye Ladipo! (or is it Miss, not sure oo..) Anyhow, you try. Definitely, this was hilarious. Well done!

    *I’m guessing Abacha and Atlanta ’96 inspired this a bit. Am I right?*

    1. Haa! I knew there was some true-life inspiration behind it

    2. Thanks to you all. @ Gboyega, you are right. It is a Mr.

  10. Definitely Atlanta ’96. Good work. The story is ok as it is, no mind the sequel mongers joor!

  11. I love ds…..well done

  12. Ds is a very good one…..bt na wa oooo,at first it was 2012 now it is 2014….it is well with Nigeria o

  13. @Ladman, this was amusing… I liked the picture of the irascible, mercurial head of state that you painted. I wish you had emphasised the character further; for me, the overtly political references diluted the effect.

  14. Hehehe..The story is funny..the ensuing comments are funnier still..Men would always been Men..MC’s and real men..hehehe…Nice one Titi

  15. This could easily have happened oh!chei!

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