Okonkwo and his wife

Dialogue 2: RAT BIZNES

Moderator:  This is the transcript of a dialogue between ‘Me’ and ‘Jerry’.  Note that it is not between “Me” and “I” and the “Me” here is not me or “I” and as for Jerry…wait, who is Jerry? I think…Ehm! … Ehm! … in-short just read it already.

NB: I also said a few things, so should it still be called a dialogue??


Me:     This is so disgusting…I wonder what to do with you

Jerry: Come on man, gimme a break

Me:     Give you a…My God! Did you just speak to me?

Jerry: Duh! Can’t you see my lips moving or at least my whiskers twitching?

Me:     Shit! This is weird…so weird

Jerry: Yeah! Yeah!! Tell me about it

Moderator:  Oh My Gosh!! Is that thing talking?

Jerry: Get a grip you rat hater

Me:     Mehn! You are really, as in seriously talking. Geez! How come? … How do you do it, how is it even possible?

Jerry: Hmmm… Humans!! Okay, if I tell you, would you let me go?

Me:     Hey! Hey!! Hold your horses…

Jerry: Horses??… Gosh! You guys are crazy.

Moderator: Oh My Gosh!! It said GOSH

Me: Sorry, sorry…heck, I can’t believe I am apologizing…see, just answer this simple question…you are really talking right…because I want to believe that this is some scam or something and I am sure I am not hallucinating or anything or else Mode would not be here with his mouth open.

Jerry: Why is it hard to believe? Haven’t any of you guys seen Dr Doolittle or Stuart Little…I know you have seen Doolittle because I was in that cupboard over there the day when you were watching it…the only annoying thing is how they had to go about and keep putting the name little, to emphasize how small my race is…well, that aside, so I talk whats the big deal??

Moderator: This world is coming to an end, it even knows about movies

Jerry: Bug off. First of all I am not “it”. I’ve got a name. Jerry! …J-E-R-R-Y … Jerry!! Try pronouncing it

Moderator:  J-E-R-R-Y…Jerry…

Me: Shut up there! Don’t you feel foolish pronouncing it?

Jerry: Boy! What is wrong with that dude…he is impossible, I wonder how you cope with him

Me:     Just leave him be. Okay, now if you can make me really understand what is happening, I just might let you go.

Jerry: Fair enough…Okay, I can’t remember the whole story but it has been part of our history and you know how those things can be so boring, but I can remember my great-great-great-great-grand uncle telling me that there…

Me:     Hey! Hey!!…Hold your horses…or whatever…what do you mean by great-great…how many greats are you even talking about and you expect me to believe?…you have to try harder.

Jerry: Come on! Why would I want to lie, moreover he is only two human years old and I am what? …Three human months or so. We don’t keep dates like you guys and the wood my mum had put teeth marks on to represent my exact age was chewed off by a drifter.

Me: Darn! Two years?? And you guys call him great-great…

Jerry: Yeah! That’s how old he is. Two human years and within that time he has been producing. I guess this should explain the reason why you humans say a person has giving birth like rats when the person gives birth to lots of children with little space in-between births.

Me: Wow! What would you guys now do in ten years time?

Jerry: Lemme see… In ten years time…well, I would be dead by then

Me:     Why do you keep calling it human years

Jerry: Seriously?? Are you asking me that?

Me:     Yap! I don’t have water in my mouth.

Riley:  Funny!! I know it sounds offensive to you

Me:     No, it doesn’t

Jerry: Come on! Who are you trying to fool? I know it annoys you…but you know, you shouldn’t complain

Me:     Why is that?

Jerry: Gosh! You are really asking me why? … That’s the problem with you guys; you feel so superior. To you humans, it’s no problem to associate other animals with stupid things like…ehm! …What the hell is “donkey-years”? You see, just imagine that one.

Me:     There is nothing wrong with saying such; it’s just a way of saying…

Jerry: Whatever! What about “Scape-goat” or “Black Sheep” or “Cock ‘n’ Bull story” or “church rat”? …ehn! …tell me, tell me.

Me:     Ehm! …I…Well…

Moderator: Yeah, yeah, that’s true…there is even “Bullshit”, “Crocodile tears”, “Mosquito legs”, ehm!… “Kangaroo justice”, “Horse’s mouth”, “Christmas goat”…ehm! …ehm! …

Me & Jerry:  Shut up, you ‘monkey banana’

Me:     See, just wait a minute… I shouldn’t be arguing with you, about who is supreme here, remember I have power over you

Jerry: Yeah-yeah!!

Me:     Let’s start again. How is it possible that you can speak, and that I can hear you?

Jerry: I am not talking and it’s not me you are hearing. I am fcuking with your mind…Mind Fcuk…I’m using this simple but sophisticated contraption which involves a person or persons…

Me:     Don’t mess with me…

Jerry: Okay! Okay!!…All animals can talk, everyone of us, so that should help you realize you are not as special as you would like to think. We have since been talking right from the time your kind got kicked out of Eden. Once your kind left, we got the boot too…your suffering and dying made it possible for us to suffer and die too, so from what I heard, there was some sort of Animal’s Assembly where animals got together to air their grievances…they called it “AA”…and not the useless “Alcoholics Anonymous” you guys have come up with. So, at the meeting, the assembly all agreed to give you guys the “Silent Treatment”…they called it the “ST”…and that’s all there is to it.

Me:     Mehn! This is something else

Jerry: Yeah! It is… the thing about it is that it is somehow ingrained into every animal, that we are not meant to speak to your kinds and so even some animals find it hard to believe that you can hear us and we, you and so they don’t even try to find out if it is true or not. I would say they would even be more surprised than you would be if they find out that you can hear what they are saying.

Me:     Mehn! This is really some ish…so all animals can talk?

Jerry: Jeez! How did you get through school…off-course, isn’t that what I implied?

Me:     Dogs, Cats, Tiger, Whales, Cobras, Hippo’s, Goats….

Jerry:             Yeah! That’s what I said and have been saying

Moderator:  What about insects…yeah, insects?

Me:     Ehen!  Can they  also talk?

Jerry: Yeah! they too…

Me:     Darn! I wish I can hear a he-goat talk, you know like when it’s chasing she-goats, and it’s going about sniffing their butts, I wonder what it says…or a mad dog when it’s chasing people…

Moderator: Well, what I would like to hear would be those bloody mosquitoes, when they come dancing and singing in ones ears or you know the roaches…those filthy things are everywhere…yuck!!

Jerry: Hehehehe! By the way, the roaches are happy with the big pot you left open. I was passing by when I saw  a group of them swimming in the soup…they used the big spoon you left on the pot as their diving board…those guys are so hilarious…they are the best at partying, well, after the bees.

Me: You saw them? … You heard them?

Jerry: Your kitchen is messed up you know, and partying roaches are very loud…I was just going to get a snack for the missus, you know, she just put to bed, a few human minutes ago

Moderator:  Oh My God! … You are married

Jerry: … and a proud father of eleven ‘ratsters’…You get what I mean? …Ratsters…Youngsters…hehehe!!

Moderator:  Can I see?

Jerry: What?? Can you what?

Moderator:  Can I see, just chill; I’ll raise the basket gently and have a quick look

Me:     Hey! Hey!!…What are you doing? …Come on now…Be careful there

Moderator:  Aarrgghh!! It bit me…Aaahhh!! Get it off my finger…Aaaghh!!

Me: You letting it escape….No! …. Noooooooo!!!

Jerry: So long!!

Me:     I’ll kill you….Kiiiiiillllllll Yoooouuuu….

Jerry: Hahahahahaha!!…I would be back…Catch me if you can…


14 thoughts on “Dialogue 2: RAT BIZNES” by weirdpile (@weirdpile)

  1. Nice one just like the Dog bizness..It’s FUN to read..

    Guess U edited the Dog biznes and made dis Rat biz, cause Riley the Dog’s name appeared somewhere..Have that checked out..

    Well done Weirdo and please keep writing…

  2. Uh. Okay.


  3. *just thinking aloud*Imagine if rat could sing nd dance too?Just imagine you came into your house and they av turned your table to a stage? NICE WORK @ WEILDpie

  4. brownieowolabi (@brownieowolabi)

    Its a little too long.

  5. More interesting than d DOG BIZINES….nice one

  6. More interesting than d DOG BIZINES….nice one

  7. Yes, interesting. Now I’ll read the ‘dog biznes’.

  8. @Weirdpile, I felt that this story was too similar to ‘Dog Biznes’; you have the same astonished, curious moderator/MC and indignant and voluble animal. Because of that, it didn’t have the same effect on me.

    It would be nice to change the story when you post ‘Goat Biznes’, ‘Cat Biznes’ and ‘Fowl Biznes’.


      I’m going to write one called ‘Monkey Bizness’! Hahahahaha!

  9. @Tola, fowl biznes, lol. This is cool. I like the concept. More interesting than the first. You got a pile of weird writeups. I like them though, I like weird.

  10. Yeah definitely more interesting than the previous…but I agree with @TolaO on his comment above sha.

    @wierdpile Well one, this was wierdly nice. he he

  11. Yeah definitely more interesting than the previous…but I agree with @TolaO on his comment above sha.

    @weirdpile Well one, this was weirdly nice. he he

  12. Nice…. funny

  13. I so like.
    Quite funny too.

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