Please read the first and second part before you read this…
Some pepo go dey wonder why I wan revenge for church today. Well sha na small ting make crayfish bend-condition. I must not fall my pepo hand for warri. Bcus if dem hear dis tori, and say I no do my own back dem fit dis-son me. Yes! Dem go say wetin I dey do for Lagos if I no fit represent dem well? Dem go even remind me say we no dey come last patapata na draw go end am. Dat is why Me, Akpos Andrew must answer my papa name today. Today I don ready.
Shuuuoooo see me as I dey sweet like Christmas goat inside this toilet. The smell fit kill person. I must do quick before church go finish. The make up of this bomb is sophisticated like oyinbo man go talk am. Our toilet for church wey if you balance dey do the ting, mosquito go dey do usher. Today, I no even see one single mosquito, all of dem don die!
Na the result of my atomic bomb be dat o. I sure say even the ones wey hear the smell ehn con manage escape, no go fit born normal mosquito again. The ting go be like wetin Japan dey still dey suffer because of the bomb wey America throw put for Hiroshima-nagazaki. Yessss. Even mosquito don disappear from inside toilet! This one na good bomb, this bomb na insecticide! Raid no go sell reach am.
I must not finish this shit o… I must keep some so that I go fit still mess. The mess wey go smell well, well pass the perfume wey my church pepo like to dey spray for dem body. Ehmmnnnnnn! Tombo! Na one shotput be dat wey enter the water system. My face con strong.I con be like persin wey wan cry. Chai! Na my body this ting comot from? Anyway since na my own, I must enjoy the smell.As I finish, I clean my body con wear my trouser. Yes,dem go hear am today! But Shit still dey worry me o but I must bear am, bcus If I shit everything finish, my plans don spoil be dat. I pray say make the persin wey do the last one dey around. I want make he smell am so dat he go know say khaki no be leather.
By the time wey I enter inside church, our pastor don dey preach. Yes. This na the best time to do am. “Good evening and welcome to church” the usher, one fine babe wey tall con dark na she welcome me. Con smile. She just ask me to follow her to the sit wey I go sidon put -Pepo just dey look us as we dey waka go for the seat, the pastor dey preach own go.
To con make the matter good well well, she con put me for middle. Dat one mean say I go fit spread the thing fine,fine. To the front, to the back and for middle nobody go fit escape this one.E con be say na near Yetunde I sidon. With Yetunde by my side tings go surely happen! As I sidon for about 3 minutes make I just release the bomb, the bomb no gree detonate! See WAHALA!
I no go gree at all. I still dey fumble, dey try to release the ting. I shift my yansh go left, shift am go right. I use style shake my belle to see if the ting go mix… but notin. Chai!By this time Yetunde con dey worry, “hope there is no problem?” The eyes wey I take look am ehn? She sef cool down. 30 minutes…, 45 minutes… nothing don happen. Alarm never blow. “If you have your tithe with you please come forward and drop it” pastor don dey call for tithe. I just dey hiss as I stand up. I no kukuma hear wetin he dey preach since morning.
I just manage stand up con dey waka for the aisle to the altar. As I just dey reach altar na him I just feel the ting dey come small small, but the ting no go do him work well for near altar. I must make sure say I reach my sit before alarm go blow!
As I reach my sit, my eyes no fit believe wetin e see, my ears no fit describe the sound wey e hear. But My nose, my nose wey papa God give me with love no suffer.Thank God. As I reach my sit, wetin my ears hear na DUMMMMM!!! I no just believe am. The sound come from where Yetunde sidon. With boldness na him I look am, but she con use shame say sorry but e don late. Pepo wey dey our back and front don hear d ting. But the ting no smell. You know say woman mess no dey smell, e no dey smell at all.
But make e for smell, na dat time my own con ready. The ting con tanda like blon-blon wey wan burst for my yansh. See correct opportunity,I no slack at all… As a gentle man, I just sufri release am like say foam…na for there church close!
Everybody just turn their face go where Yetunde dey. As a sharp guy me sef follow look her side.Con bone join. “Yeetuunddeeee ki ni o je wa si church?” The Yoruba woman wey dey for our back no waste time speak her language as she squeeze her face like persin wey drink lime water. She ugly die! Today na today! Both handkerchief, both bible, both book, both hand nothing gree work this time around. None of dem fit comot the smell. Na hin everybody just dey face door small small. “A haaan?”, “Ehmnnn?” “AHH” different talk from every corner. “Arghhhhhhh”. Pastor don escape through the back door. The smell by now don form society inside the auditorium everybody con dey run up and down. I must confess, the smell baaaaad!!!!
For my mind, I don do my own back, their father! That p-square dem song just dey play for my mind…If you do me I do you, man no go vex….. Even when I know say God dey vex, I don achieve my plan—-draw-draw!
“Yetunde don kill us ooooooooo…” As I talk am I dey face the door, still dey release small small bomb…. We no even say the grace church just end like that!