Before I comot for house today, I don ask God for forgiveness. Because I know say papa God vex no dey tey. He fit vex small o, but bible don talk am say papa God vexing no dey last, na him mercy last pass him vex. As a suicide bomber, man pikin go gats prepare him house because I no say I go follow for the victims.
I don even prepare my tithe so that when I go dey bounce go altar go drop am, pepo no go suspect anything. Na dat time I go press the button,(their father two left leg!). So as I dey go buy mama sikira beans for junction, I dey speak in tongues…
Mama Sikira beans no be anyhow beans o. Na correct Omi-ewa type. Those one wey no dey thick. Wey dey be like water. Na orisi-orisi dey inside the beans. I buy fish, egg, and plantain, to make the ting strong and to do the work well well, I con buy moi-moi join am. Today na today! As I dey come back , I con branch the chemist shop wey dey near our house con buy three peak milk. Una go dey wonder say I no go get stomach palaver? No worry ya sef at all.
Day before yesterday, I don go meet mama tope for her regular agbo jedi.I don drink am take clean my belle well well! So no cause for alarm, the only alarm wey go blow, na for inside church today! Na me talk am, yes na me talk am.
But by the time I chop the food finish I con dey regret. Shey na like this suicide bombers dey feel before dem go operations? Chai, all my belle don full, so te I no fit move again. By this time, sun don dey come down small, small, traffic don dey tie wrapper as usual for Lagos. To make matter worst, shit con dey worry me. Chai see F*** up! This one na serious f*** up! I must manage reach church do this ting sharp-sharp.con waka comot without any suspicion. Yes that means I go change my plans.
I go just use style sidon for back so that when I release the bomb ehn I go just escape.-But that one no go be suicide bomb again o….My guy Nigerians no be suicide bombers. Yes we no be suicide bombers. Go ask Abdul mutalab. Even if Boko Haram dey do am, I no believe say na dem dey do am. E go be pepo wey come from Niger or Chad. Yes for Nigerian culture, we no dey kill ourself by ourself. Na only Oyinbo get day kain mind. I trust my pepo we no dey commit suicide at all, at all.
Anyway my plan still dey as e suppose dey. But I dey fear one ting o.I dey fear. I dey fear make I no go sidon near one fine babe o. Dat one go be big yawa! Imagine if I release am inside church near the babe?Anyway that one no go be problem-I go just bone! Yes I go form innocent.Na wetin I go do be that.
Chai, the shit one drop sha. I must begin dey run go church now, after all six don nak. Na so my journey start o. As I enter the okada, e bi like say the shit don drop from my trouser. But no be shit, na the ting. The smell na Ogbonge! This kain smell go make devil fly window. Na dis type of smell dey cast devil out. This kain smell na die!
Even the okada man dey form seriousness, meanwhile the thing wan kill am o! Chai, this one na correct bomb. Me , myself I confirm am. This one na confirmento like OBJ dey talk for Wazobia fm. The thing dey smell pass rat wey don die. The environment just die! Yes this is very good. The one wey dem release for church the other day no smell reach. Today person go die, people go die! As a correct guy I kukuma use scope dey brush my nose with my hand, the smell o bad gan. Today their father!
As I reach church, na him I jam Yetunde for gate. She just dey enter church too. Yetunde, na one of those fine girls for church wey dey get long hair. And when dem dey pray, prayer go dey hungry you. I dey tell you the truth. If you sidon near babes like Yetunde for church, church go sweet pass dankwa. True to God!
”Hello how was your day?” with fonee na she take ask me o. As a sharp warri guy wey no dey slack, me sef I answer am, quick quick, “very fine and yours?” “Not bad”, as we dey talk so we dey waka o. We dey waka go the small auditorium wey we dey take do midweek service for we church.
At once na him I feel the ting dey come again, before I say “A-b-u-j-a”, d ting don fly out from my yansh o. See me see gbege! This one oooo baaaaaaaad gani, o baaaaaad gan! “What is smelling”, Yetunde don talk before I open my mouth to take excuse say I wan go toilet. “It must be the refuse bin around the corner”, quick quick the grammar do yanger comot for my mouth. Before I fit talk again na him I just fumble…!
My entire jeans trouser don wet finish, con heavy. With shame na him I just tanda for where I dey as Yetunde leave me dey hurry to enter church. She no know say I don stop for back. Chai, I don shit for body! This one na double wahala live!
Osalobua, my belle need surgery. God don catch me today! I never even enter church chai see massive f*** up! Ope o nobody dey come for my back. Thank God say before I comot for house I wear two trousers, in case of any incasity. We no dey carry last for warri, today na today! Make I enter toilet first, I dey come….