One of my most anticipated movies of 2011 was My Week With Marilyn. The idea of a young man having a wonderful (romantic et shagful) week with one of the greatest superstars of all time… you better do the maths.
MTV organised this contest on facebook. Those who follow MTV on facebook must have seen the post. The contest is simple, name your favourite star and what you would love to do with him/her if you two had a week to spend together. I don’t usually enter for such contests but I was bored and slightly depressed that day. I also knew my favourite music star was Asa… like she had no competition. So I wrote Asa and said I would love to write some songs with her.
Luckily for me I didn’t win.
Or rather they had an artist booked for the contest and would ONLY select a winner from those who mention that particular artist.
I went through other comments out of another round of boredom. I noticed only two people mentioned Asa.
I was at work one afternoon and I got a call from this girl I had met on facebook.
She sent me a friend request a few weeks back and I accepted her. She didn’t quite have lotta friends so at first I felt she was building a scam account. But like I always did with a strange friend request, I checked all the info. And I noticed we kinda had the same likes in film and music.
We both loved Paul Haggis’ Oscar winning film Crash; and Richard Curtis’ films starring Hugh Grant Notting Hill and About a Boy. Music, she loved Asa like me. Then Nat King Cole, Abba and Smokie were also in her list of favourite music artist. So I accepted her friend request.
The virtual romance started. We started with messages. Then BB pins. Then phone numbers. We just talked and talked and talked and flirted and flirted and flirted. Anyone who has ever had an online romance would probably know how it works. Honestly, it felt like we were perfect twins. Again that’s how most relationships, good or bad, felt.
So I was at work this afternoon when I got a call from her. She said she was in my state. At the airport and was wondering if I could come pick her up. We really played a lot. Flirting with a virtual person required a lot of playing for those of us in the game. At first, I laughed it off. But she sounded serious about it.
I quickly talked to my manager and a colleague. They agreed to cover up for me so I left. I went home and took one of my dad’s cars and headed for the airport. I made sure there was enough fuel in the car because I wanted the AC on all through. I called her all the way to let her know I wasn’t EVER going to believe her again if this was a joke.
I got to the airport, parked and called her. I described the car I was in. She said she was coming. I left the AC on and let Asa’s Bibanke play softly.
WAIT A MINUTE…
I had been played. MTV was supposed to start their Punk’d show inNigeria. This girl must be one of their workers. She actually requested me as a friend on facebook a few days after the MTV contest. I was depressed immediately. I had dreamed up how we were gonna have our happily-ever-after ending. This couldn’t be it…
I decided to play along. I figured out it might likely still end like one of those romantic comedies where the girls comes for something selfish but ends up falling honestly in love with the guy. I’ll make her fall in love with me…
Knock at my car window.
A girl with her face covered was knocking on my window. I pressed the automatic lock and all the doors locked. Maybe I had being flirting with a psycho. I was already sweating inside the car even with the AC still on. She was on my side of the window. If she was on the passenger’s side, I would have ran out of the car with the car key to get a security guy. Every bad thing I heard about meeting in person with online friends came to my mind. The 2go girls who got raped. Was I going to be the 2go boy?
I was jolted back to reality when my phone rang. Bukky was calling. Bukky is the psycho outside my window. If I don’t answer, she’ll know I’m scared. But if I answer, it might be my ticket to being the 2go boy that got raped. And I was a virgin. Like a real virgin. The kinda virgin that even when I dreamt, I was still a virgin in the dream. I have had lotta dreams where I was a president. A lot where I was a celebrity. I have even dreamt that I was the American president. But it was always a virgin celebrity or virgin president or virgin American president.
I answered the call.
“I am outside your window.”
“I can’t see you.”
She knocked again. I turned and looked at her. Her face isn’t covered again. The only way to describe what I was… simply… ASA.
“My real is Bukola. You didn’t know right?”
I rushed out of the car and gave her a very tight hug. I forgot about the cameras, unintentionally shah. Here I was hugging Asa. It was crazy. I was soooooooooooooooo glad.
The next thing I remembered was sitting in a hotel room gisting with Asa. Even if she was just an Asa look-alike, I wouldn’t mind being raped by her.
She told me about the gig she had in town. She would spend a week or so. And she wanted to spend it with me. She wanted me to be at rehearsals, at shows and press conferences and all that. For those of you who love the American TV series, Friends, I had the ‘Ross’ expression. You know his expression whenever Rachael gets too naughty.
She gave me a hug. I didn’t know if I was to hug back…
She kissed me. Even a virgin knows if you are kissed by someone like Asa, you just have to respect yourself and kiss back. The kiss lingered till…
My mum woke. I forgot to take my vitamin c before I went to bed. She handed me the six red tablets and I swallow. I felt some wetness. Another wet dreams. I hoped mum hadn’t seen it again.
I pretended to fall asleep almost immediately so she wouldn’t notice the wet boxers. And she didn’t.
“Try and change your boxers before you sleep again, you are sweating too much.”
“Unless you’ll be sweating more around your boxers area later in the night. You wouldn’t want to have two sweaty boxers by morning.”
She didn’t notice. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe…