Do Me A Favour: Kill Me!

Do Me A Favour: Kill Me!

I hate my life because everyone else hates it. And when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE. My Momma hates me – I can tell from how she looks at me everyday; my dad abhors me – I know because he hardly remembers my name; my sisters loathe me – they think I was a mistake; my friends detest me, that’s if I still have anyone to call a friend; my pastor forbids my existence – he thinks am a discarded clay from God’s pottery wheel. If I were to write a book about my life, it will be filled with stories of hate, sadness, travails, loneliness and suicidal thoughts.
By now, you must be wondering why. Well, I am a victim of circumstance. And ‘my circumstance’ is that I was born thin, but grew up to be fat, then overweight; and now I am obese. I mean, really obese – Yokozuna kind of obese. And everyone thinks I don’t deserve to live, like it was some goddamn fault of mine. I mean, I have tried my very best to remain slim and trim – chewing stick-figure – like those HIV-looking models on Fashion T.V but nothing has worked. All those drugs, herbs, therapy, exercises, fasts and prayers etc have done nothing but turned my bank account into a code-red. Now, I only console myself with these lines:
I am fearfully made, I am wonderfully made
I know I am fearfully made, and I mean in the terrifying kind of way. My size is nothing short of a curse. Of all my momma’s girls, I am the Shrek of the family. I once confronted my mom with the question if anyone had put a spell on her while she was pregnant with me. She only replied my question with more curses.
No normal human would grow this big. I don’t use public transport anymore; no vehicle would even stop at my flag. Travelling by air is not an option because I am always made to purchase tickets meant for heavy duty luggage – that is if the booking attendant as much as courteously ask if I missed my way to the airport.
At a point in my life, I decided to stop accepting all the world was throwing at me (insults, wicked looks etc) and start giving them back tit-for-tat. If you dare call me fat (obese, overweight…whatever), I would make you realise how broom-sticked, big-eyed, small-assed, baggy-lipped etc you were. The point is that I would always find a ‘defect’ in you and make you see it as a curse that you’d hate life generally. I have made teachers in my numerous secondary schools (back in the days) resign; I have never had a stable job because my mouth always gets into trouble with my bosses, colleagues, clients etc
Currently, I am job-hunting. No one wants to hire me. Not after seeing my size during interview. I have sent dozens of job applications in the preceding weeks. All unreturned. Save for one.
I got a call earlier in the day from one Sasha Pelumi-Aboderin of whatever-the-name-of-her-company-is-again (sorry I have lost count of places I drop application letters). She said I could resume work the next day. Just like that. No interview required. That was like the best news I have heard in years and I am not going to blow this. I need the job badly.
So I decide to celebrate the big news. I walk into a Sweet Sensation outlet in Victoria Island to have some burger and hot dogs (?). I notice the waiter taking short, quick glances at me as he takes my orders. He must be saying to himself “what an amoeba.” As if I cared. But he dare not convert his thoughts into words…
As I take my first bite, I hear a knock on my table.
“Excuse me,” a tiny voice says. “Am sorry, this table is already taken.”
I take a quick look at the speaker; a tiny, frail-looking woman in her mid-thirties. I continue at my burger.
“Umm, am-am sorry,” she pleads. “Did you hear me? I said…”
“I heard you the first time,” I bark back in a deep voice. “Get another table.”
The lady starts pacing around, looking worried.
“Please, please I was here earlier and am expecting some friends. I just went to get…”
When she notices I am not paying any attention, she moves away, cursing under her breathe.
“What did you say to me?” I ask standing to my feet. She has just fallen on my wrong side, and I am going to make sure I set her as an example to everyone who must have been staring at me as I walked into the eatery or as I ate my snack. Yeah, I am going to make her feel like my high school teachers or my former employers, colleagues etc who disrespected my size. “Hello Miss skinny ass!” I bark at her as she walks away so everyone can hear and see me. “I am talking to you, you tiny mal-nourished, skeletal bitch! Is it my fault you can’t be as healthy as myself? Walking corpse! A spoonful of Peak Powder Milk everyday would be of help, Miss String!”
I notice everyone looking at me in surprise as Miss String scurry out of the eatery. Yeah, I got to her…
I am dressed-up in my most fabulous outfit as I walk into the office block where I am expected to resume work. I tell the receptionist the cause of my visit and she directs me to another office – the MD’s – to get my appointment letter. I am tense as I arrive at the door. I can’t believe I finally have a job. With the opulence exhibited in the preceding offices, I know it is going to be a well-paying one.
I knock and wait for a few minutes, rehearsing my salutation.
“Come in,” a voice say.
I swing open the door with a big smile. But the smile is cut short when I catch a glimpse of the tiny woman sitting behind the MD’s desk. She is the lady from the eatery. Miss String! I stand in complete shock with my flabby body trembling like an erupting earthquake, waiting for the ground to open and swallow me up. But it has never been firmer.

19 thoughts on “Do Me A Favour: Kill Me!” by HaroldWrites (@harryble)

  1. Great title. Great opening, it made me actually read this. And oh boy, do I enjoy reading this? This is the best story I have heard so far today. double-oh-7, chop knuckle *offering right fist*
    Good good good. Well-written. HIV-looking models? You should look for another way to qualify the models.
    Thanks for this, thank you!

  2. Nice one, made me smile. HIV-looking models is a definite no, no but all in all, you did well putting this together.

  3. @double-oh-7 like I knew that was how it would end.

    But by the way, if u ” were to write a book about my life, it will be filled with stories of hate, sadness, travails, loneliness and suicidal thoughts.” I fink you just started…lol.

    Nice funny piece. U almost made me feel it is possible for someone to be so hated, but I retained my doubtfulness, lol.

    Nice job.

  4. Lovely story,well written with an unbeatable twist at the end.Well done!!!

  5. E don be for Ms. Orobo. E be like say na that Sound Sultan track dey fool am.

    Nice one..Double 0.


  6. @banky, thanks for good words and criticism.
    @Elly, same to you too. Thanks. i will definitely look into such usage in the future. Perhaps i should have used “scrawny” instead of HIV-looking…
    @shai, it is possible for one to be terribly hated because of one’s life “situations” (whatever form it may come in). Listen to tales of experience from near-suicide victims and you will believe me….Thanks for droping by.
    @lawal, thanks….

    1. Hmmmmm…near suicide-bombers? L̃̾Õ☺Õ̾Ô=D:D=));)ÕÔ☺ÔÕ̾L̃̾.
      It was a fine piece bo. Laffed. Απϑ where íڪ dat second instalment joor?

  7. honestly, this is a great take on very important issues…obesity, self worth, familial encouragement and all that.
    great take on humanity.

    while i read the work, i kept trying to divide the lines…lol. where went the paragraphs?

    I once confronted my mom with the question(sth not right with this sentence??? okay, just not well constructed) if anyone had put a spell on her while she was pregnant with me

    that is if the booking attendant ( so much as/ even/just sth???)courteously ask(ed?) if I missed

    just my thots…freely discard…lol

  8. You just succeeded in making my day,I mean like da writing engineer,this is the best story I’ve read today..I really ,really enjoyed this.
    Good Jab and welldone!

    1. And you also just made my day with this comment. Thanks. Like your nicky, Posh. Cool.

  9. You did very well.

    However, this seemed a bit unrealistic, to me: “She said I could resume work the next day. Just like that. No interview required.”
    The story would still have had the same effect if the representative conducted some sort of interview, over the telephone.

    “cursing under her breathe.”

  10. after reading baptism of fire, and now this? You’re one of my new favorite funny writers. well done.

    1. Thanks Myne. You are my inspiration

  11. I kind of saw where this was going in the last paragraph, but it didn’t make the story that much less enjoyable for me. You did a great job of capturing the voice of an woman made angry and defensive by society. And in a very witty style, too. Well done.

    I was a bit confused by the timeline. Is she narrating the story after the incident at the end of the story, or before?

  12. Guy u dey try oo. Jst ride on my boy.
    Good job, nice hit on humanity, and a very funny story indeed.
    Thumbs up!

  13. This was funny…very funny
    Hope she still gets hired by the ‘skinny’ boss?

  14. ooomph! you think that she would get hired? some miracle

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