Lasmock Times: 22 Ways To Be A Food Ninja

Lasmock Times: 22 Ways To Be A Food Ninja

If you attended a boarding school—particularly a rugged one like my very own alma mater—you probably know its own version of what we at LASMOCK liked to call food ninjas. To be a food ninja was no small matter. You had to have serious mind and adhere strictly to the food ninja code of honour. But the good thing was once a food ninja, always a food ninja. You could never live it down. The food ninjas—and I mean the proud and proper ones, not the ones in denial—lived a life of utter liberation. They had no social obligations (re: levels) to live up to. They roamed the halls and classrooms of the school, free in their wild, uninhibited love for food, even good old LASMOCK food.

I cannot even begin to tell you all the things that a food ninja is, but I can tell you 22 ways to be one.

1. Do admit you can find your way to the dining hall without the aid of GPS.

2. Do not ever be found without your ninja tools (cutlery of any form) on your person. Take the motto of the scouts to heart.

3. Do recite the food timetable with 100% accuracy whenever called upon, even if woken from the velvety depths of sleep at 2 a.m.

4. Do not hesitate to say stuff like ‘why shouldn’t I go for food? After all my parents paid for it!’ with a straight face.

5. When forced by teachers—who suddenly realize they have nothing better to do with their time—to go to the dining hall and ‘eat your parents’ money’, do not shuffle with pained reluctance to the dining hall, your face clearly showing how much you detest such degrading treatment.

6. Do not miss making an appearance in the dining hall every day, including resumption, visiting and vacation days.

7. Do proudly display your ‘food badges’ (food stains on your clothes) as battle scars.

8. Do not forget to boast about your *mazzing exploits in the dining hall.

9. Do your damndest to get appointed a food prefect or, if you find that too ambitious or unattainable, a table captain.

10. Do be a junior student. All juniors get automatic food ninja status.

11. Do not bother to hide the sheer joy that fills your heart at the sound of every siren signalling meal times.

12. Do be found in the vicinity of the dining hall at every meal time.

13. Do finish your food in time for the end of meal prayers every time.

14. Do respond to dining hall prayers every time. Anything louder than a barely audible whisper would suffice.

15. Do not be afraid to admit that Friday is your favourite day of the week only because they serve rice and turkey.

16. Do not try to mask Thursday’s fufu and fish fragrance with perfume or body spray when it clings to your clothes after the meal.

17. Do line up in front of the dining hall for eba, eko, beans, or pap and akara—the undesirables—with your ninja tools raised sky high cos you just don’t care.

18. Do not be slow to defend any suspected or confirmed food ninjas from yabis.

19. Do bone up and form not sending when members of the opposite sex from your class see you going into the dining hall (note: this only applies to senior students).

20. Do ensure that the entire kitchen staff knows you by name.

21. Do eat school meals without finding anything to complain about.

22. Do agree with the school authorities, and say so at every conceivable opportunity, that attendance at the dining hall should be mandatory for all students.

*‘Mazz’ is short for massacre and it means to rush for food, usually spilling a lot in the process.



31 thoughts on “Lasmock Times: 22 Ways To Be A Food Ninja” by Uche Okonkwo (@Uche)

  1. Wow!..What is LASMOCK? I did not understand the message in rule 19. Made an interesting reading and I certainly have no intention of becoming this ninja…. a beg I dey watch my weight!

    1. Number 19 is simply telling you not to care what members of the opposite sex think of you…just enjoy your food ninja status.

      And what concerns a food ninja with weight watching? I’m sure you never went to a boarding school. If you did…you would understand that weight-watching is alien to those settings as quality is alien to Nollywood. Feel free to feel offended by the Nollywood reference.

    2. Uche…you know I love you right?

      Not ‘love’ as some of our dear poets have made us want to block our eyes to avoid reading due to overflogging of the theme…but ‘love’ as in appreciation for art…from a student (me) to a master (you).

      Of course it helps that you’re easy on the eyes too.

      This is just so hilarious…so…this is a side of you that only shows itself once in ten-red suns…I’m happy I saw this one.

      Well.
      Done.

      1. Hi Seun. I’m glad you liked it. You went to a boarding school too abi. I think anyone who did can relate, well maybe except for those who went to real aje bota schools. I dunno.

        And I dunno about this master/student thing o. You sef can kick ass with your pen.

        1. Kick ass pass kick ass na. You no know?

        2. shai (@shaifamily)

          Take it easy na. Haba!
          No be by default u go boarding school o!
          *I know I will get loads of gees on my case now* hehaaaaaaaaaaaw!

    3. LASMOCK is short for Lagos State Model Collehe Kankon, my secondary school. And I think Seun addressed your second question well.

  2. shai (@shaifamily)

    LoooooooooooooooooooooooolZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

    1. Ok, the idea was not to kill anyone with laughter. lol.

      Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.

  3. Didn’t go to boarding school sha, but I found this very funny.
    I keep forgeting this Uche is female,@seun, which Uche do we have in the FOROOM?
    You say she is easy on the eyes? Give me her BB pin.

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
      I pop into the foroom from time to time. Not sure I’m your Uche sha.
      And oh, I’m one of those stone age people who don’t own blackberries, and I don’t plan on getting one soon. Sorry.

      1. Why you dey tell am sorry? Why e go dey ask for your BB pin?! Who is he…the Minister of Women Who Use BlackBerry affairs?!?!?!

        MTCHEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        1. Should have put my sarcasm in brackets after the sorry. Lol.

        2. See beef. Jealousy kills faster than envy.@seun
          Uche would be privileged to meet the Free spirit.

  4. shai (@shaifamily)

    hehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

    Dudes crack ur ribs.

  5. LOLZ interesting read. reminds me of NYSC camp.

    1. Yeah, camp reminded me a lot about secondary school. Almost like going back in time.

  6. Hehehehe…Boarding school…Good times, good times…Lovely.

  7. Interesting read, Uche. I’m not sure whether being a food ninja is a good or bad thing, though.

    By the way, you had this – “You could never live [being a food ninja] down”. This means that you could never overcome your embarrassment of being a food ninja. Is this what you meant?

    1. Being a food ninja was not necessarily good or bad in itself, but it was not something most students were not happy to be called. It was derogatory. People would only call themselves food ninjas if they were trying to be defiant of the social expectations of the school, so to speak. So, yeah, it was embarrassing to be called a food ninja. Though, I do see why you asked the question. Every other part of the piece seems to be talking of the food ninjas with pride except for that.

  8. Made a nice read…lol

  9. Very razz but loving it!!!! way to go Food ninja..oops! I meant to type “Uche”

    1. Mercy, we know oursefs *wink*

      Long time, or is it just me?

  10. Really funny Uche! I didn’t go to boarding school but I went to school cafeterias since very little because my parents worked. I have a lot of memories from that time. What I remember mostly is that in my junior high/high school they used to serve veal tongue. I couldn’t have been a food ninja. :)

    1. Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

  11. Reminds me so much of my boarding school and how girls used to claim they don’t eat ‘bainz – beans’ or ‘garrium – garri’ at home. Some didn’t even venture to the dinning but would send junior girls with coolers to pack jollof rice and meat on fridays and sundays. Good one.

    1. Lol. You sound like you went to my school. Thanks for reading.

  12. Lolzzz! I went to boarding school but didn’t make it as a food ninja because of the presence of an alternative – illegal cooking in hostel! Those were the good ol’ days.

  13. My school was too strict for illegal cooking, but we had other things we did sha. Thanks for reading.

  14. just reading this, had me in stiches. didnt go to a boarding school but being in secondary school is enough experience to understand every single word though. Nice and funny

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