‘Wish I can capture all feelings in words
That my pain and happiness I will shout to the world
That to the world I will tell story of my first
And my very best whose love I’m still in thirst
May I have the taste of your lips?
From your steam may I take a sip?
He asked with ease
My hand in his
I couldn’t think
I couldn’t wink
’Pierces through my heart like a knife
’Never felt this way before, I’m naïve
Lost in his love
His question I solve
He searched for my eyes
He could feel my slightest sigh
He held me with valor
He looked at me with adore
I never knew the power a look withhold
Until his eyes I behold
In his eyes I saw a dream
Of a lonely stream
He and I sitting together
Holding to each other
I was lost in this vision
When he captured my emotion
He moved closer
And made his body my cover
I never knew the power in the touch of a lip
Until my virgin lip he unzipped
My body submitted itself to the call of love
That moment I felt my all problem is solved
Every little part of me stirred
He licked my neck, forehead and hair
And finally he whisper
I never knew the power in a whisper
Until I heard him speak
More of his voice I seek
Its common words he said ‘I love you’
As if those words I’ve never heard
I felt loved
I felt owned
He was my first
And my very best
I hold on to him for minutes
As if I knew I won’t see him again
Wish I could captured that moment
Now I’m all alone in pain
Cos since then I never see him
He left without ‘goodbye’
He left when I’m dry
I can’t sing cos he left with my hymn
Now if you see me staring at space
It’s him I’m searching for
If you see me standing at the door
It’s him, I still await his gaze
Fresh in my memory is still that day
Unsullied is the words he say
I remember my first
And my very best
nice piece! it was rather long but it flowed logically
Nice poem. I like the way you told us a lot without telling us much…I like.
The first huh?
Second line second verse…’from your steam…’
is that intentional or did you mean to write ‘from your stream..’
?
Words have spirits, I believe… I see a very strong spirit behind this poem… It is indeed from a heart filtered of lies… Very good effort…
i heard no one forgets his/ her first and you have just buttressed that point with this poem. i like the underlying message and i even almost found myself in the position of the MC. well done
i still think the attempt to rhymes affected the overall beauty of this poem. kinda diluted it.
also, i noticed a lot of tense problems and a few other issues and i have brought out the obvious ones:
And my very best whose love I’m still in thirst[..FOR WHOSE LOVE I AM STILL IN THIRST]
His question I solve [SOLVED]
I never knew the power a look withhold [WITHHELD/ WITHHOLDS]
Until his eyes I behold [BEHELD]
Until my virgin lip[LIPS] he unzipped
Cos since then I never see him […HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM]
Unsullied is the words [WORD] he [WOULD] say
And finally he whisper [WHISPERED]
That moment I felt my all problem is [ALL MY PROBLEMS WERE] solved
Wish I could [HAD] captured that moment
Well done
PLS: why do I feel like I am reading a woman’s work? is it just the angle?
Xikay took the corrections out of my keyboard, so I’ll just say, Nice work…
Nice poem. Kindly take note of Xikay’s corrections.
Xikay can be quite thorough, and now I have nothing to say, except “what a touching poem.”
A beautiful tale told well in this poem.
Apart of the edits issues which Xikay has pointed out, I feel the last three stanzas are redundant and anti-climatic. It would have ended better without those three stanzas because in the second line of the eleventh stanza, it has been hinted that you will not see him again. How beautifully then it would have ended with the line ‘Now I’m all alone in pain.’ Very strong and implicative of the the things mentioned in stanzas 12 – 14.
My favourite line?: ‘Until my virgin lip[s] he unzipped.’ Very strong imagery!