87 ways to kill a man

87 ways to kill a man

87 ways to kill a man…by Don YuwaVelli
1.tie him to a stake and chop off his penis.He will bleed to death
2.chop off his eyelids and tie him to the ground,facing the scorching sun.He will die of dehydration.
3.tie him to stake and connect the cathode ray tube of a television to his penis.when you put on the switch,he will die.
4.behead him with an axe
5.tie him to the back of a truck and cruise him on a delapitated tarred road.He will die of multiple internal and external injuries
6.tie an anchor to his neck and throw him into the sea.
7.chop off his hand with a samurai sword and throw him into shark infested waters.the blood will attract the sharks who will,in turn,eat him up.
8.bind him,hand and feet,and throw him into crocodile infested waters
9.put his head in a mortar and pound it with a pestle till it becomes smooth.
10.pour acid in his ear.it will melt his brain.
11.send him a letter bomb.when he opens it,only bits and pieces of his flesh will be found.
12.pour molten lava in his ear.
13.throw him from the plane into tne rocks.his brain will be say hi to the rocks.
14.throw him into a drum boiling oil.
15.crucify him upside down.
16.nail his penis to a stake with rusted nails.
17.skin his buttocks and boil it while he’s still alive.before the arse gets cooked ,he will die.incase he’s still alive,fry it.
18.Throw him from the top of a sky scraper.he will die of heart attack before he reaches down.if not,the tarred road will kill him.
19.tie steel cords around his hands,legs and head.attach each cord to and SUv.disconnect the brakes in the SUV’s and let the cars tear him apart.
20.bake him a cake garnished with arsenic.he will die of convulsion and may probably enter into a coma.
21.shoot his penis with a dane gun.
22.plant a sickle in his chest and rip his heart out.
23:from the top of a building,drop and engine block on his head.
24.inject him with cyanide mixed gun powder.he will enter a coma
25.pierce his heart with a red hot spear.
26.zip him in a punching bag and and let taekwondo black belts train with the bag for 6 hours.he will die of multiple internal and external injuries.
27.tie him in a polythene bag and lock him in a freezer.he will die of suffocation and cold.
28.bury him alive in a coffin.he will die of hunger and loneliness.
29.bury him in the ground but leave his head out.then run the head over with a truck.
30.attempt to give him a haircut with a chain saw.i dont think there will be a head when u are done.
31.throw him into an active volcano.
32:tie him on a rail track and let a train run him over.
33:let him hang from an overhead bridge from his leg and let Cars hit him as they pass.
34.lock him in an airtight chamber.direct the exhaust pipe of the generator to the chamber.he will die of carbon monoxide poisoning.
35.decapitate him with a sawing machine.
36.behead him with a guillotine
37.cut his balls sack off with knife and let him bleed to death
38.boil him alive.
39.roast him alive.
40.tear open his stomach and rip out his liver.
41.put his head in a toilet bowl of conc H2SO4.
42.put him between two trucks and let them collide into each other.
43.put him in a pool of water and connect a naked wire to the pool.
44.suffocate him with a pillow.
45.strangle him with a rope.
46.throw him in a lion’s den.
47.feed him with rat poison.
48.drop a car on his head from a 10ft building.
49.put some drops of poison in his ear in his sleep.
50.throw him inside kainji dam.
51.pierce him with poisoned needles.
52.throw him in a container of molten steel.
53.drill a hole in his ear till it comes out on the other side.
54.kill him with an electric chair.
55.batter him with a baseball bat.
56.firing squad.
57.cut off his body parts with a hand saw.
58.plane his face with a planing machine.
59.throw him into a plane’s engine blades.
60.let him bounce from a trampoline into twirling helicopter blades.
61.lock him in a mortuary.he will die of cold.
62.tie him to a stake and stone him with grenades.
63.load a 60ft container and gently place it ontop him.he will be crushed to death,
64.put him in an elephant stampede.he will be crushed to death
65.put him in a cage of angry vipers.the poisoned bites will kill him.
66.put him with a hungry python.the python will swallow him up.
67.put him in an arena with a lion,leopard and a tiger.they will kill themselves to get to him first.
68.throw him on a high tension cable.
69.bathe him with PMS and set him on fire.
70.drown him in a vat of fermenting beer.
71.grind him in a sewage recycling plant.
72.dump him in a sealed soakaway pit for 12hrs.
73.dump him on quick sand.he wont need another burial spot.
74.inject an overdose of cocaine.make no efforts to revive him.he will die.
75.give him an overdose of viagra and get 18 prostitutes to rape him.if he doesnt die,increase the viagra and the women.he’ll die of exhaustion.
76.lock him in a air tight vessel for two days.
77.tie him and drop him in the sea.
78.cover him in barter and fry him in hot engine oil.
79.tie him under a truck and drive along a bumpy road.he will die of multiple injuries.
80.cut the veins in hands with a blade.He will bleed to death.
81.tie him to an electric fence and turn on the switch.
82.tie him to a cross made of drums containing gunpowder.
83.use a cannon to throw him onto a wall with 12inch steel spikes
84.break his neck by twisting it,
85.slit his throat with a pen knife
86.put a gun in his mouth and shoot.
87.mix cement in a jug of water and make him drink it.



49 thoughts on “87 ways to kill a man” by candyman (@candyman)

  1. This. Is. SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. not good for me…

  3. Okay…what is the value of this? Entertainment or knowledge? Why is it here?

    Na wa o.

  4. You find this funny? cos its in the Funny stories section. This is a ghoulish piece!

  5. It is somehow funny to me. Some of the methods make me ask – ‘haba! wetin the person do you?’ plus, i have a ghoulish sense of humor sometimes.

  6. na wa o!thank God i no be man,so all the men these are 87 ways to make you see your six feet house beneath the earth surface.lol

  7. @Admin, abeg, send this deranged child an email.
    What is NS becomin? @ Admin watch out for this kind of posts, u don’t know who is reading.

    1. @kaycee why that language? *lol* i know your chauvinistic spirit will not rest at this. no vex. the thing surprise me too

    2. kaycee..aint deranged boy….watch ya mouth…

  8. No 20 is flawed. Will he die b4 he enters coma?

    As for No 70, good luck if he is a heavy drinker…Hehehehehehehe…..

    1. error on my part..no gimme cement drink abeg

  9. All I can say is no one should try this at home.

    1. hmmm….who got the time to try?let the writer first try and then tell us how sweet his 87 ways to kill a man taste.who wants to die?

  10. Personally, I found this very funny… so over the top that it could only be seen as satire.

    1. Yep. I found it funny as well. Or maybe that’s just my twisted dubious mind, hehehe…

  11. I find myself asking what is the aim of this piece?

    Maybe the writer can proferr an answer.

    1. it was a bet btw me and my cousin..he said i cant write 87 ways to kill a man.so i proved him wrong…i just tot should see it..some of them are from movies anyway..godfather..and others i cant remember…

  12. This was definitely written by a woman, not a man. I’m sure your real name is candywoman, not candyman (na joke O!). Hehehe!!!

    1. @Igwe, what do you expect? a man will not want to mess up other men like this. its a vindictive woman’s piece

    2. i’m a man ohhhhhhhh

      1. Are you surrrrrrrreeeeeeeee????????????????????

  13. One more thing please. Do you live close to Guantanamo bay?

    1. lagos…not guatanamo bay

  14. seriously has Admin taking a look at this, cos this kind of piece is not a healthy one,both for the mind and for the brain…..

    1. who told you,the piece isn’t good for the brain or mind?do you think the writer was sick in the head when he take up his pen to scribble down God know what?he was trying to tell us the ways to nail him.i wonder where that kanda sori candyman went all this while.make im kum b4 osama hunt him down.

      1. these are just machinations of a mischievious mind.for those of you who think i’m sick or deranged,i’m not deranged.for those calling admin,:-P.it’s just humour.i’ve never killed anyone…and i dont intend to..have fun..more torture stories coming your way..

  15. i am just laughing at this post and the comments above. this is sick but interesting at the same time.

  16. and i find this write up soo amusing ….i cant help laughing…
    Apart from where you have to use his ‘male part’, i think you can definitely kill anyone;male or female with those suggestions…
    so, for the killers among us like @ raymond, i hope you are with pen and paper to take down some points here…hahahahaha

    1. @Posh, POOOOOOOOOOOSSSH!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. @raymond…#20 is a typo..one should have come before the other.

  18. To me, personally, this is funnier than some of the fantasies people pen down as stories, no offense intended to anyone. But whaddaya know; I’ve got a dubious mind. No mind dem joor. The fact that this got some reactions is good. However, try to channel this kind of talent into creating a REAL story. Even though I enjoyed Ur stuff, this site is for Stories; we come here to learn and share our craft bro…Hope to see something else from U soon.

  19. kanda man,u beta appear now or disappear foreva

    1. na so dem dey appear???

  20. Horror Candy,
    I can see from the pending post that you’ve got the highest number of other ‘horror’ posts for publication. We await them. I cant wait to laugh out my …

    1. @whiz i dont think they will be published.horror and torture is what i really like writing..i wish they can open a torture column for me.i willl be very good.@admin hear me out.puleeeez

  21. 88.Keep him in the sun and melt off all his candy!!!

    1. candy is sunproof..hehehehehe

    2. @ Irene ..9ice one there.

  22. @Irene…lol.

    I counted like about 5 penises in this ur stuff….

    1. u was more penis stuff??i can write 87 ways to kill a man with his penis..if thats what you wanna see…

      1. you want??not you was…typo….

        1. @ Candy ..what manner of man are you? Infact, you are Horror Incarnate..Horror personified.

  23. Hehehe! Noted candyman. If I eva need to…just kidding

  24. Haba!
    Just thinking. If this piece was about killing a woman, what would you replace your 5 penis episodes with?

  25. @magic. Breasts obviously.

  26. @magic. Breasts obviously.
    The methods just got me laughing out loud, now I know where to check out if I need to kill a man, fictionally* or otherwise.

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