Father’s Ghost

Father’s Ghost

Amina is the bereaved mother of Hamza a six year old boy Hassana a new born baby girl. Her husband died in a controversial circumstance following an illicit affair she had with his friend. Ibrahim was discover dead one early morning in his car some weeks before Hassana was born. No one is certain as to what actually led to his death except for the rumors that he died after meeting his wife and friend in an act of immorality.

One Monday morning while Ibrahim was going to his place of work. Ibrahim was a rich trader dealing in cash crops. He leaves his house by six in the morning, because he drives to a nearby town where he had his shops. It was a journey of about thirty minutes. After for just five minutes, the Mercedes Benz 200 suddenly stops. He knew that the alternator wasn’t working well, and that battery must have run down. As he steps out of the car to check the engine, he blamed himself for putting on the air conditioner. It was the air conditioner that ran the battery down or else he would have been able to manage the car to work. He tried severally to jump-start the car, then gives up.

It was still too early to find a battery charger and so he locks up the car, after taking the small bag containing the money he would use in paying for the goods bought at the shop the day before. He starts to walk back home. He would have to wait at home until the battery charger’s shop was opened before leaving.

Since when he moved into the small town with his wife, Ibrahim has not had reasons to go back to the house before the close of work for the day. He was never suspicious of his wife having an extra-marital affair even with the rumor spreading around about his wife and his bosom friend Ahmed.

As he walks to the entrance of the house, he noticed that the door was not locked. He thought maybe Amina was somewhere at the backyard washing or sweeping the compound. He enters into the living room and was surprised to see Hamza sleeping on a chair. He feels it was unusual since the boy was sleeping in the room when he was leaving earlier. He looked around to ensure everything was in place and that thieves hadn’t invade the house. Then he hears a faint sound like the moaning of a woman having sex coming from the room.

With fear of the inevitable he enters into the room and was shocked to see Ahmed bare chest, knickers down to his knees thrusting in from behind his wife. He swallowed saliva as he ran out of the room to the back of the compound and vomited. He tells himself, “I wont go back into that house again” He couldn’t bear he thoughts of the woman he loved having sex with his best friend on his bed.

“I am a man, I wont cry” He says to himself as he walked past the bedroom, he hears sounds of climaxing and held his ears with his palms and it was all he could to stop himself from screening.

He left the building and started walking away but he wasn’t sure where was going. Amina has betrayed him. By the time the whole town hears the story he wont be able to walk on the street anymore because of the shame. The people of the community knows that he loved his wife and some had tried warning him of her affair with Ahmed, but he wont hear of. Maybe Hamza is not even his child. What if the pregnancy also belonged to another man.

He walks around town the whole of that day, drinking from one joint to the other, trying way to make himself happy. He spent the money that was to be used in paying the merchants he bought goods from. He spent the money on drinking prostitutes, a habit he was not used to.Then at night he returns to sleep in his car where he was discovered dead by the next morning by passersby. His had swollen and was already smelling..

When Amina was told of his death, she cried for days refusing to be consoled. Then two weeks after, she gave birth to Hassana a beautiful child that looks so much like late Ibrahim. No one attended her naming ceremony.

Then one sunny Thursday afternoon. Amina was cooking in the kitchen when she hears the cry of her baby coming from the room. She quickly ran to the room. An unusual wind was blowing in spite of the sun. The curtains blew from one side to the other. While items fell down from the dining table.

In the room the baby was sleeping soundly. “But I heard her cry” she says to herself. She thinks it was her imagination. She has had several scary dreams since the death of her husband. Sometimes she sees her husband in her dreaming chasing her with cutlass.

Then she starts back to the kitchen in order to finish cooking before the baby wakes up. But as she came out of the room, she hears a frightening sound coming from the sitting room and she quickly runs there. Then hears Hamza screamed from the backyard.

“Untie, me, untie me please dad”

Amina rushed to the backyard. Hamza was bounded in ropes, both legs and hands. With his tied wrists he points to a moving black car. “What?” She didn’t understand.

“What are you saying?” she asked, confused! “I don’t understand. Who tied you?”

The boy kept on and she starts to panic. There was was no around to help her.

“Daddy”, the boy screamed again.

Amina starts to untie him, but a strong wind blew from the east gathering dusts on the road and some dusts entered into her eyes. The wind continued none-stop upsetting the whole house. Curtains tore off as the wall clock fell he floor hitting it with loud noise as doors open and close.

“I can’t see, my eyes, my eyes” Amina calls for help but there was no one around to help her or the crying boy. She managed to locate a bucket containing while her hand scrubbed at her eyes. She takes out some water with her palm and washed her eyes. As soon as her eyes could see again, she ran into the room leaving Hamza to his fate. The baby must not get hurt, she thought.

She looks into the room. There was no bed, no baby, bare room, completely empty. She fell to the floor.

11 thoughts on “Father’s Ghost” by Me (@ackcity)

  1. This looks like a good beginning of a supernatural series. There was some tense confusion at the beginning.

    Well done!!!

  2. Definitely one in the supernatural realm. The story reads like someone in the neighbourhood telling the story to a friend or someone new to the neighbourhood. I think this is a plus.

    My thoughts are:
    You can leave out the first paragraph – this will help with the natural ‘flow’ of the story as readers find out things for themselves.

    Try to stick with one tense throughout the story, past or present. It would read better grammatically and would be less confusing.

    You left us on a bit of a cliffhanger. Nice. A sequel on its way?

  3. I liked the premise for the story, however, I didn’t enjoy the telling. The first few lines had meflinching, I must confess. The tensing suggests that U r undecided as to how U r going to tell this story, and an image even came to me while I was reading this; that of U writing this story in an unserious manner.

    U need to REALLY WORK on this story. First U tell us about a rumour, then U go on to present facts in an unconvincing way. And I think the way U wrote it made the story lack one important ingredient in this sort of writing; suspense.

    Don’t take all this the wrong way. I like the story, but take into account all that I have highlighted here, and U just might have a whopper of a story.
    Good luck!!!

  4. this is a good story in the making….well done but the TENSE wanderings kept the flavor sour….check it out and work it out…

  5. Thanks everyone I will do my best to improve on my writing.Thanks for continually bringing it to my notice, I appreciate all comments. Great day guys!

  6. I agree with Raymond, you started off beautifully, but you lost it after the first paragraph; tense confusion and other errors, a rewrite would surely be necessary.
    The story is good but the telling is faulty.

  7. This is so good and i love it!

  8. In addition to tense confusion and the opening paragraph removing the suspense, I’ll also add that I didn’t like the excessive use of commas here (sorry o, Xikay). For example, you had this:

    It happened on a fateful Monday morning, Ibrahim was going to his place of work as usual, he was a rich trader, usually leaves his house by six in the morning, since he has to drive to a his place of work at nearby town

    There are at least three complete sentences here that you’re forcibly joining with commas; you could have this instead:

    It happened on a fateful Monday morning. [complete sentence.] Ibrahim was going to his place of work as usual. [another complete sentence.] He usually left his house by six in the morning, since he had to drive to a nearby town to get there. [another complete sentence.]

    (I would leave out the ‘rich trader’ sentence, as you don’t expand on it by telling about what he trades in, and it doesn’t add anything to the story by itself here.)

  9. Mr. Oluyori-Ack, nice story but as you can tell by now, it definitely needs work. It had a lot of typos too.Think you should work on the ending too. Give it more body. Make it scarier…

  10. I appreciate all your comments. I must admit they have helped a lot. I like your comments and I will keep working on my writing skills, I will try to work on everything you observed until I am at the best in my writing skills. Great day everyone!

    1. That’s the spirit Charles, all the best!

Leave a Reply