At A Go

At A Go

The bullet whizzed past. It was so close she felt the heat. The target car was a distance away. They flew their best towards it, and shot back blindly trying their best to divert the attention of their assailants. It was not working. The darkness swallowed the shapes that approached them and the only clues they got were the fires at the mouth of the guns – their shots. There was no time to steady and aim. Suddenly the lights began to appear from a different direction.

“Hassan!” she shouted as her closest comrade fell to the ground. She bent to him and felt the heat again. She was in the air again firing back blindly. She cast a quick glance at the three men beside him. The fire from their nozzles showed their faces, grimly set. For a second she forgot the moment, the danger, and smiled. She was proud to be in their midst. Friends forever. She heard shouts of pain from the two different directions of the assailants and knew they had done some damage.

“Yes!” The opposing shots seemed to stop for a moment and they used the precious seconds to increase the distance and reach their vehicle. She quickly opened a door and jumped in. She started the car just as two of the others reached. She noted that Kunle had the bag with him as he took the front passenger seat beside her.

“Drive!” Kunle shouted anxiously.

“Ibun is a few seconds away!”

Ibun dived in through the rear door, some bullets accompanying. His instant lifeless body fell on Ida as the bullets tore through his entire frame.

“No!” Ida took a sharp look, felt deep sorrow, intense anger, and in that second jumped out shooting in the direction of the opposing fire.

“Ida!”

But he was far past hearing in his raging charge towards the assailants.

She pushed the door open as Kunle’s leg jammed the accelerator from his side. The dust flew as the car sped forth at full throttle. She fell back to the chair. She struggled up, turned to look behind them and saw Ida’s body hit the ground. Tears filled her eyes as she turned to Kunle:

“We would have been killed too. Keep your mind on the road.” he said in a very tired voice.

She was mute with shock. The car sped on passing a tee junction. She felt a numb feeling all over. She could not believe that the people she had grown to love and cherish as friends for a long time could just fade away in the space of a few minutes. Lights appeared from behind.

“Shit!” Kunle shouted. “Drive faster!”

He got into the back seat and reloaded his gun, head down.

Pow! Pow! Pow! The three bullets shattered their rear glass. Kunle stuck his hand up and shot without aim. A loud shout of pain and some screeching assured him that his efforts had met with success. He raised his head.

“Yes!!” The shout was for the victory of conquering the assailants. It was short lived as he noticed another car coming in the distance.

“Damn! Drive faster!!”

She drove on oblivious of Kunle.  The car behind seemed to stop or… Yeah. Some minutes later, Kunle heaved a sigh of relief as he turned his attention to the front. “We seemed to have lost them.”

Yes, they had lost them. She had seen Hassan falling to the ground. Hassan, the father of the recently born baby boy he had longed to have for years. Ibun fell unto Ida in blood. Ibun, whose mother kept calling him “My baby,” though he was twenty six years old. That sick mother in the village who would probably die of her ailment without the assistance of her two boys. There was the heroic Ida who would rather die with his brother in battle. He wondered what their mother would do. And Kunle…

“Ahhhhhhhh!”

She came back to as two shots found Kunle. She hit the brakes as he hit the back of her chair.

“Kunle!” She reflexively carried the gun and moved to the back seat shooting at the vehicle Kunle had earlier seen. She fired some shots just as the car came to the side of theirs and hit bull’s eye. She was hit in that instant too. Her breathing became hard, vision blurred. With her failing sight, she looked at the bag and wondered…

 

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24 thoughts on “At A Go” by Sueddie Agema (@sueddie)

  1. Mr Agema, I no no sey you de write war stories… Very good one here… Spellbinding and touching in beauty. I also noticed a little magic cuddling your sentences. I do no like the title here… It is not spellbinding at all. I also think that you over-described the shock of your female protagonist.

  2. Hmm, una (Idoko and U) sabi speak English o… How much I go pay to become apprentice?

  3. This is a real war film. Loved the story that followed a few of the characters. The description was also spot on, though sometimes felt like you overdid it. But very good story. Hope there’s more?

  4. There has to be more to this Sueddie.a thunderous applause for your descriptions.

    Well done!!!

  5. i agree with @idoko to a point but i must confess that you tried, could have been much better but this is a nice try with a good message

  6. I do not agree that thisb is a war story, the action scenes were few and similar. It didn’t lead me to a war front, with the vehicle and the mention of a bag; I think much was left unsaid, perhaps a part 2 would set this in order, hm?

  7. @scopeman60, i’m with you on this

  8. This looks more like an armed robbery or special operations story than a war story. I don’t think that soldiers would be driving cars.

    The lack of context makes it very hard for me to empathise with any of the characters; the only thing that is left to engage me is the action.

    I did find the narrative very vivid, but I’m puzzled at why you used ‘chair’ instead of ‘seat’ when you said “The dust flew as the car sped forth at full throttle. She fell back to the chair.” Was there a chair with four legs in the car?

  9. Okay, I beg every forgiveness for any grammatical blunder! The word should have been ‘seat’ and I take my correction. Nice sarcasm Tola. I shouldn’t whisper this but it was here for the first time that I am getting the feeling that this is a war tale… would lean a bit with Tola here again.
    Idoko, thanks for the kind compliment. The title has some wahala? Give me suggestions if you would… 4ran6, hmm, we fit negotiate! See this poet o! No claim humility here o! Jaywriter, hmmm, thanks but did I really overdo it? Hmmm… @Lawal, feeling the thunder of the applauses in your very kind compliment… Make we get material, then part 2 would come lest I fail you… Xikay, ok, at least I tried :) We would get better…Scopeman…yes, I think I wuold love to agree with your view but about the part 2, I still de hope say I go get material.
    Thanks – thanks – thanks!!

  10. Yes, and by the way, Idoko, don’t mind the girl and her shock o! I was personally shocked at the way she reacted – I really thought she was stronger than that but oh well…

  11. this guy is funny lol

  12. A good effort. However, this line, “She felt a numb feeling all over” should have been ‘she felt numb all over’. Also, some parts of your action scene felt a bit weak.
    However, nice try. But if U want to learn how to write very good shoot-out scenes in Ur stories, I suggest U read books by Richard Marcinko (Ex-Navy SEAL), Danie Silva, and Matthew Reilly.
    Cheers.

  13. @Xikay :) Raymond, thanks for the correction… Think you are spot on. Your referral is sweet. I would definitely see how I would get them. From the feedback, it really does seem that the story’s action is weak. Na wa o! Would do some reading and see how to tighten it. Thanks guys and la…ok, no lady commented – chai! Guess, I have to drop something on love sharp. :)

    1. @sueddie, U don’t have to drop anything on love cos no lady read Ur stuff. One secret to writing good action scenes, is to write them as though U are all of the characters at once. See their immediate world through their eyes. Keep the descriptions short and sharp. Do everything U can to keep Ur readers in the moment. Feel the scene bro. When U write it hard and fast, and U feel Ur heart pumping as U describe everything as if U r there, when U hear the gunshots, smell the blood, feel the pain…..then U are getting there.
      Good luck.

  14. Raymond!! I forgive u, with all my heart. Don’t worry, I was being sarcastic (though I would make my next piece love, maybe). Feel u on the advice though. And yes, I am really grateful for the tips. Sometimes, even the most obvious things might not be so obvious. Good luck to u too – we all always need a good dose of it.

    1. U r welcome bro. Umm….may I redirect U to a section of a story of mine? I used a shoot-out scene there and maybe I did something right, cos people liked it, I guess. Go to the Horror section, and look for Checkpoint (4). Read it, and see if it will help. Maybe after, U might read the others, hehehe. After all, U wanted something to happen in my stories, right?
      Good luck to U too.

  15. @eddie, i fear for you…u r taking advice from @raymond, soon all ns gals will be having sleepless nights because of you too lolz

  16. @xikay, hmm, na wetin person go talk again… But you can be sure that while @Raymond is giving them sleepless nights, I will be keeping them company with something…really nice :) So, dearest friend, don’t fear for me. Be happy… :)

  17. @xikay…BAD BELLE!!!!! Hehehehehe…

  18. Old boy. I am loving your story. Though you kind of over did some of your descriptions. can’t really place which one right now. but keep it up expecting more from you?

  19. Sueddie,
    This looks foreign, probably an offshoot of a lifelong addiction to action movies. It is not really Nigerian. But then, your descriptions, though lax and inconclusive in some places, was good. The story telling was fast, as it should be, and memorable. But pray, what is this all about? A bag containing money? I mean, the plot seems too coded and indecipherable!
    I also have issues with the POV. It switches almost from paragraph to paragraph and I was left sometimes confused about who actually was telling the story(other than the girl).
    Good job bro, nice read.

    1. @Banky, na when you write this thing wey I no see…? ;) Thanks. Hmm, addiction to action movies? Hee hee hee…I wish. Your commentary really warrant a whole new post on this or a remix…But about the POV…Let me have another look again. I was playing the omniscient and trying to give an all angle. Of course, the lady is the MC (to copy @TolaO ‘s famous usage)… Thanks … Okay, let me beg my sister @petunia007 to lash this one for me small…Biko…

  20. The setting seems to be an American ghetto with rival gangs at an armed robbery. It’s unfortunate that the MC who seems new to the game is manning the getaway vehicle. Vividly described with emotional depth. short and sweet.

  21. @doubleespresso : You leave me blushing *mentally sha…;)

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