Last Year – Failures, Successes, etc. New Year – Expectations, (Im)Mortality, etc
If there is something I’ve learned over the course of my life, it’s that the summary of life is to be born, and then die. There is a little space in between these two events, very little, and the very little we do during this short period is what counts for the rest of eternity. It’s a New Year! Resolutions are flying through the roof. The new year usually brings along this feeling in people that make them feel like they should not settle for less. It is commonly said, “A new year, A new me”. What I fear the most is not death itself, no actually not, it’s the idea of dying before I fulfill what I’ve been born for that makes me piss on myself. It scares me to the bones. I desire, more than anybody else in the world to live a meaningful life, and that’s a fact! I am very conscious of the fact that I’m on this earth for a purpose, and oh yeah, I know, every person and their dog says that, but really I mean it. I have a huge self-awareness, about this. I might not be able to put it in words, I might not have attained it yet, but I will keep pushing until then. So you can now understand why dying before reaching this goal is scary for me.
Last year was…….well, just last year. There were a lot of ups and downs for me. More downs actually. I’d like to say there were a few successes, but if you told me to name those successes, I hardly can. Why? I remember the failures I had more than the successes I had. It eats deep into me, cos again, that self-awareness that I’ve been created to be better than what I am now is always present. I just can’t shake it off. It makes me cry, literally, when I’m not living up to my full potential. I finished my Associates Degree last year (that’s a 2 year college if you didn’t know that), good news, you say? Well maybe, but I graduated with a GPA I would not rather say, well OK 2.85. I was not happy with that, no not at all, but I did not really care. I was tired, I wanted to get it over with at all cost. Then I transferred to a regular university, Fall was my first semester, again, did way below what I expected. This time, it hurt me, why? Well, because I did my best. I was not aware of the grading system, and I did not pay attention to the fact that whatever I had done previously in terms of approach to studying would not work. Now, I’ve learned lesson. My mission is to get all As this semester. It honestly is a goal. And I’ll be working towards it.
It has been said, that one should forget his or her past. I don’t want to really do that. Well, pretty soon I will. I have not really started the engine to put the car to the road of the future. I’m still parked. I’m taking a look back at the past, to see my limitations, to see my mistakes, my failures. So I can say goodbye to them, once and for all. I don’t just wanna forget about them, no. They had a part in preparing me for the future. Experience, as it is said, is the best teacher. One thing though, is that the past is never going to hold me down. I must rise above my limitations, many of which I had. This I know for sure, is that I can’t possibly do this alone. It is a testament, not just a statement. Reason is, I’ve tried myself, and it did not work, it doesn’t, at least when it has to do with me. But I’m learning to trust God, I’m still learning. He knows the future, and that’s what gives me peace most of the time. I whisper the promises of God concerning me, he knows my tomorrow. In case you haven’t figured out yet, that is where my self-awareness comes from.
So this year, my expectations are not so much. It can basically be summarized as “to have an impact”. That’s it! I want it to be that if I died tomorrow, someone can say he impacted my life. That’s all I ever want. I don’t want to die in obscurity, that would pain me, and I know it would break the heart of God too. I know, or should I say I KNOW that there is more that I can be. Small changes have to be made. Insomnia controlled my life throughout the whole of last year. It messed me up, big time, and I mean big time. I lacked concentration, could not focus a lot of times, I mean talk about migraines, not just on one part of you head, but your whole head. I could feel the vibration of my brain inside my skull. It was, or should I say is, not a pleasant experience. It was one of my resolutions this year to battle it, and overcome. I’m proud to say, that I haven’t overcome it yet, although it’s a New Year, haha, but guess what? I’m fighting, and I won’t stop, until it becomes history. That is what I am proud of. At least I know I am making the effort. That, I believe is what counts! Another step I’m taking is to go talk to a therapist. I don’t want to wait until the point where it becomes….., well you know!
Today, (January 23rd) reminded me of man’s mortality. It’s a reminder of the space in between that I talked about in the beginning. When I hear about death, most of the time, I don’t cry. Well, cause I don’t feel like there is any reason to cry. Honestly, I would love to cry, but I just don’t. Some people might be eating, and if they receive the news about someone’s death, they won’t continue with that food. I’m not like those people. After I’ve said, hmm, wow, contemplate for a few minutes, life goes on. That’s usually what happens for me. When my Grandmother died, I did not shed a tear, at least I don’t remember shedding any. I ate, I drank, I played soccer, I stole, I lied, I did nothing different that what I had usually done. I actually was doing my chores when I got the news, my mom told me to finish my chores, and study. Mind you, next to my parents, this was the closest person to me. It pained me. I was sad! But, I was not like most people, I had a different coping mechanism. It actually results from denial, which I believe is the first or second stage (not sure, and I’m not going to look that up, you can if you want to), but mine lasts longer that most folk’s. I actually BELIEVED, and was very sure, that Grandma was gonna wake up four days later or something. No lies, and this is usually what happens to every person I know personally who has died. But no, Mama did not wake up, she was dead. It was during the burial, when the casket was lowered into the earth that I cried. I became aware at that point that she was gone, that was the last, here on earth that I was gonna see her. That was the moment in dawned on me. This was the time most folks had gotten over or are dealing with the bereavement, but for me, that was when it started!
So today, one of my Dad’s friend called to inform him that one of his co-worker is dead. I did not know who she was, but I cried when I heard the news. How can you cry for someone you don’t know? Well, I cried, but for my own selfish reasons. This would not be the first time, I would cry for me, rather than cry for the dead person. One of my dad’s friend died last year too. He was circa 50 years old, the same age as this woman. They both died of cancer! My dad is 56 years. You can now tell where my fear is coming from. I fear because then, I would be left alone. Again, ME! My own selfish reasons. I cried because this was a woman, according to the accounts of my dad that labored for her family, her children especially, day and night. My Dad said the stress of her work alone is sufficient enough to kill her. Man, I cried because I appreciate the efforts of my Dad. I cried because I don’t think I can handle life alone; life would be SO discordant if….(Ah, go away bad thoughts!) I cried for the poor woman that according to my Dad’s friends ‘did not wait to reap the fruits of her labor’, I cried for my Dad, but most especially, I cried for me!
Around October of 2009 I believe, one of my friends died. One had died the previous year. Sad moments for me. I cried, especially when Bernard died (2009), not REALLY because the fact that a 19 year old guy dying is sad, but because I thought about my mortality. I thought, it could be me next. I cried because I feared I had lived a pointless life so far. I feared because I haven’t made an impact, at least not as much as I would like to. I cried, because I was scared, not of death, but of my mortality. I was aware of that, I still am! Writing this has kinda helped me to get some of the load off my chest. It’s been a stressful new year. Plans need to be made, Plans need to be adjusted. It’s work, but I’m willing to do it, as long as I’m still passing through this space within. It’s brief!