Celine and the Ashawo boy

Celine and the Ashawo boy

I never wanted to ever tell this story but I’ve realized that I’ve grown wiser now so….

I came into the UK some three years ago for an MSc degree, and my utmost aim was to live life as much as I could. ‘Life is too short’ I would constantly remind myself. I had it all planned out. I was going to go clubbing as often as I could, meet as many girls, and make as many friends as I possibly could. Well amongst other ‘yeye’ things sha. Hehehe. I was determined that life was never going to be dull with me. So I quickly made a good number of friends and we started rolling. Pubs and clubs quickly became our favorite pastime, and we would look forward to the weekends to unwind from study stress. ‘Preach Nite Club’ was about the biggest and most popular night club closest to school and we became a regular there and other students went there. One Friday night I had gone to Preach Nite Club with a couple of friends when this thing happened.

We had bought drinks and everyone was having a good time, chit chatting, dancing etcetera. Some two hours into the night, the club was becoming more alive with people and the atmosphere had jumped. ‘What a lovely night’ it thought to myself. It was just what I had envisaged. And there were pretty girls everywhere Chai! Lol. Anyway, being very observant, I noticed a small door somewhere at the back end of the club and I saw that people where going and coming through the door. ‘Wetin everybody dey go find for that place sef?’ I asked myself, and I was determined to find out. I got there and discovered that it was a small alley like passage that could barely contain the number of people that were there. These people had either gone out to have a cigarette or to catch some air. ‘Ah make me sef join una receive the fresh air na’. So I squeezed myself through the sardine of people and found a small corner. I hadn’t been there for 10 minutes when I noticed a girl starring me down with a very seductive smile on her face. ‘Ah! God don catch you today’ I said in my mind.

Anyway, so I swagger up to this babe o! Trying to look as super-cool possible. I got up close to her and realized ‘the babe no bad sha o!’ I decided to be very forward with this one. ‘So why are you starring at me?’ I said to her, and she replied ‘because you’re cute’. ‘Ewooooooo! Chineke thank you kwa’ …. Nne your life will never remain the same’ I thought. ‘My name is Celine’ she proceeded with the pleasantries. Me I come tell am my name too. To cut the long story short, she sort of became my girlfriend for the night. We went back inside the club and babe started plying me with drink after drink o! ‘No don’t worry about it, I’ve got enough money. You keep yours and you can buy next time’ she said. ‘My aim is to get you so drunk tonight’ she continued, and the first bell rang in my head; ‘Gbagaun’. We got talking and it turned out babe was Zimbabwean, the same age as me, lived locally, etcetera. I come notice say this girl was overly giving me green light o. She was almost toasting me if you like. She was being too fast for me and I found myself struggling to keep up. The second bell rang in head ‘Gbagaun’. I even became the envy of my friends. ‘Where you catch this one from?’ they asked. ‘Abeg ask am whether she get friend’ one of my friends disturbed. I also noticed that she had sort of ‘chingummed’ me and followed me everywhere I went as if to say to other girls ‘this one’s mine, stay away’, and I became slightly puzzled. ‘Which kind love be this?’ The night rolled by and we had danced and drank, and at 3 a.m, the club dj come off him music talk say dem don close say make everybody begin go house. Well, it was a good night, I thought. I had had fun, plus I had landed myself a girl. Life just couldn’t get any better.

It was just as I was having these thoughts that Celine said to me “Jimi I want you to come home with me”. ‘Gbagaun’! At this moment I was fully convinced that something somewhere just wasn’t right and it bothered me that I couldn’t put my tab on it. I was confused, shocked, surprised….. ‘Haba! Is it this easy to nail a chic in this country? I said to myself. My friend’s sef surprise for the matter. At this point it was almost 4 a.m and a part of me just wasn’t comfortable with this idea of hers. ‘I’ll tell you what; why don’t you come to mine instead, bla, bla, bla. She said “noooo Jimi, I would rather us go to mine tonight and we can go to yours another time. Besides I’ve only just met you and I don’t trust you enough just yet”. “Who knows, you might just be a serial killer” she joked. ‘Oh oooookkkk, you try well well’ I thought. If you dey fear say I go kill you for my house, me sef dey fear say if I follow you go your house, I might just not wake up the following morning. “Common Jimi, you’re a man what are you scared of?” she said. When I asked why she persistently wanted me at hers that night, trying to find out if this was just about some one night thing, she affirmed that she just wanted company. ‘I hear’. Babe started feigning anger saying that a girl was begging a guy she met at a club to go back home with her and that the guy was forming. After some 20 minutes in this debate I caved in to her. Na so Jimi follow this ‘Jezebel’ go house o! Mumu! All of this was simply a plan that she had careful lay out, and it was falling right in place for her. She had been out to find a scapegoat and bros turned out to be the perfect one. Lol

We arrived her place in a cab and went in. she did well for herself. Had a flat and lived on her own. Independent woman; and I was impressed. We went up stairs and after some 30minutes; I had started to feel at home amidst some gist and more drinking. In my mind I was thinking ‘it’s going down tonight man. Am I not the luckiest guy the world that a girl I met at a club some hours ago had taken me back to hers?’ and I started to think of all the ‘things’ we were going to do that night. It was just as I was thinking these ‘ashawo’ things that we suddenly heard banging on the door downstairs. ‘Celine! Celine! Open this door! I know you’re in there!’ ‘Gbagaun’! My bell rang again. It was a male voice and a very angry one. ‘Celine open this door or I swear I’ll break it down’! The dude yelled. I looked at Celine, and she seeing a million questions in my face, simply said ‘oh that’s my ex-boyfriend’. It was about 4.30 a.m now and this bros was banging at the door and yelling so loudly not giving a hoot about the neighbors. I just sat there not knowing what to think. She went downstairs to talk to him. ‘Go away; I won’t open the door! She started to yell back. ‘I just wanna talk’ he said outside the door. ‘No go away…I’ve got a man in the house…..you go around seeing other girls, why I can’t I see other men myself?

It turned out that ‘Pharaoh’ and ‘Jezebel’ here were in an on and off, bitter/sweet, love/hate relationship. He had obviously been cheating on her and she had sworn to get even. In fact I could have sworn that she actually did text him at some point when I wasn’t looking to say ‘hey I’m in the house with a guy’ and the bros had come by to see if she was just bluffing. Otherwise how did he choose that particular night that I was in the house to start a love fight? At 4 a.m for that matter. She had to have informed him. Me sef come mumu join for the matter. Trying to form Mr. Tough guy I came downstairs to try to settle matter wen no be my own. ‘Hello, is there a problem? Why are you banging at the door at this time of the morning?’ and the bros got infuriated. He had just confirmed his worst fear. For some reason the guy just broke into Pidgin English o! ‘Come; I go kill you today! Just open this door first! I know say you be naija boy…you go die today!’ how in the hell he figured that I was a naija boy still beats me till today.

For another 30 minutes ‘Pharaoh’ and ‘Jezebel’ went at it, as he cursed and swore to kill me. “Oh so you come f%#@ another man babe abi? I go kill you today!” “chai! So na like this I wan take die!” I said to myself. I just couldn’t believe this Nollywood movie that was playing out right before my eyes. It was one of those classic film scenarios where a husband goes to work leaving his wife at home, and after some minutes she sneaks her secret lover in through the backdoor only for her husband to make an impromptu return seconds later to catch them red handed. I fear my head o! I no go lie. Who send me? In fact at this point I was holding my heart in my hand. Lol. This guy was prepared to skin me alive. And what was my case really? I was frolicking with another man’s girlfriend and I got beat up. Simples!

No wonder all the chingumming, lovey lovey at club, and begging me to follow her home. Everything had started to come back to me, piece by piece. She specifically went out that night to look for mumu Ahamefula to taunt her boyfriend/lover with, and her plan just fell accordingly. But how was I supposed to know kwanu? Babes been tell me say she dey single before o! So where this bros from come out na? Anyway luckily for me/us she didn’t open the door and after a while bros got tired and went away. Somebody would have died that day, me or her. We went back upstairs and she started to apologize profusely seeing that I was visibly annoyed knowing that she had used me. I didn’t say a word to her and she went to bed while I was wide awake. ‘This girl get mind o!’ I was shaken to death and she just brushed it off like nothing happened. I couldn’t sleep. What if he had a spare key somewhere and had gone to get it. A million things ran through my mind, but the one thing that was prominent was to get out of there as quickly as possible. Day never break finish wen take off o! I made for the nearest bus station sharply.

The morale of the story be say I would have died that day walahi! Loool

23 thoughts on “Celine and the Ashawo boy” by Jimi (@Jimi)

  1. You be mumu true true. Chai!!!!!!!!
    Awoof dey run belle na…you as badt las gidi boi suppose know all that!
    Lol…I like the narrative.

  2. you be real mugu ashawo…i was so taken by the story that i was not even able to observe any shortcoming…well done bro…will return to scald you sha!

  3. chai..o boy, you be mumu no. i,
    well thank God you don learn your lesson now.
    very funny story, nice one.

  4. I talk am say people go roast me if i post this story. lol. Bring it on sha. Thanks for reading though

  5. twas quite good…would have been kinda bad for you not to post it here

  6. good.. typically Nigerian

  7. Hehehehehe. 9ja boy no dey carry last naa. Nice narrative. Easy on the eyes too. Cool.

  8. Naija boy here… Naija narrative here… I love it…

  9. lol!!! Abeg the guy no try. next time e go look and send P.I before e leap. Great story.

  10. Really enjoyed the story. Very funny. First mumu na mistake, second mumu na real mumu. Glad you learnt your lesson.

  11. I ditto Raymond.Laughed like hell when I read this.

    well done!!!

  12. @lawal…how does one laugh like hell abeg? lol

  13. Chai! Sorry i’ve been so busy i’ve not logged in here in a while. Thanks 4 all your lovely comments. Una too much

  14. well, despite the ‘informalness’ of this piece, there were quite a few typos that should be corrected to enhance the readers experience.

  15. @Scopeman: Honorary professor of English. lol. Would u b kind enuf 2 point out the typos pls? or is it that u could not find anything more constructive to say?

  16. Plenty lessons here. Any reader will see the “Naijaness” in this piece.

  17. @Writefight: Bless u. thanks 4 reading

  18. Hahahaha!! You are so funny.

  19. Lol, very funny. Correct brushing would ve cemented this experience sha so next time u go sharp up…

  20. Jimi (@Jimi)

    Abi? lol. Thanks for reading

  21. LOL. Fast paced & witty narrative. But it could have done with some more careful constructions. Had a good laugh with the roles played by the characters. Well done.

  22. I no care whether you be mumu or ode, I’ve never laughed this hard over post. iLoved it….want some more

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