Sex And The Sixty

Sex And The Sixty

They say life begins at forty. But mine was officially over by then. My name is Osaro Oghenekevbe. I used to be the campus dude who knew what’s up during my hay days – my nicky “Double O” could attest to that. I could tell the taste of a woman from the curl of her lips, or the colour of her lipstick. I knew how to turn every girl on – until I met my wife. If someone had actually told me I would get married in this life, I would have wished to swallow a bag of nails instead. But here I am, married to the woman of my nightmare – Ogene. Actually, I wouldn’t really say I married her. My mom did – when I turned forty and she felt my life was heading for the doldrums. Not only was Ogene a minus facially, she was too local to be my wife. I mean a girl from the village? The gods forbid! And not only was she also short, she was actually a midget! I thought they said thunder never struck at the same place twice. But with Ogene, it struck more than thrice. She was just bad luck, and the cause of my present predicament. I married her because my mom threatened if I didn’t, she would beat her flaccid breasts for me.

We have been married for about twenty-five years now – or thereabout. I can’t really figure our anniversary date. You wouldn’t if you were in my shoes. So you can guess my age. Yes, late sixties. Our first night together was a total disaster! One look at her nakedness and I lost my libido – FOREVER! Come on, don’t laugh. I mean it. Can you imagine making love to a midget? Ah-ha! My man became like my aged mothers breast, forever. So, for like twenty-five years, I didn’t know what it felt like to have s…

My doctors have recommended a whole lot of bullshit. Forgive my language. (It’s only an expression of my agitation.) To get my grooves back on since I turned forty, I have done things real sane people wouldn’t. I have been on therapy, gone to the church, mosque and recently, the herbalists. I have drunk concoctions in the name of natural herbs and I have starved myself to death-points in the name of dry fasts!

Today, all that is about to become history. A friend just recommended a rare treatment – a visit to a call-girl. I throttle into the brothel on three feet with a paper in hand. It was my ticket to youthfulness. Written on the paper is the name of my mistress – Ibukun. I ask everyone I see for her room and they direct me further. The hall smells of burnt tobacco and strong ale. Screams of ecstasy and mortal fulfilments ooze out of the dark, filthy rooms by my side. The sully hallway, with paraphernalia ranging from pails with dirty water to shoes of both hosts and clients, looks like a coven. Clients stand by doors waiting for their turns. The red-yellow bulb above my head blinks erratically.

I finally get to my room. Luckily for me, there is no client waiting. My aged hand shakes uncontrollably as I knock on the door. An angelic voice invites me in. I brush my hair (if only I still have a strand on) with my rough palm, dust my shirt and move into the dark room.

“Undress and close your eyes,” the sweet voice commands in the dark.

Excitedly, I obey. My imagination grows wild. I expect my miracle.

“But wait,” I say. “I like to do it with the lights on.”

“No problem, papa,” Ibukun says as she saunters to the switchboard.

*Click***Click** The lights go on as I open my eyes to see my saviour. And what?!! Standing before me is who? Ogene?!!! My Ogene?!! What? How? What prank is this? My midget wife on G-string? In a brothel?

Another look at her thick, muscular nakedness, my heart takes a long pause…and restarts. And I know I am going to have a cardiac arrest!!!

46 thoughts on “Sex And The Sixty” by HaroldWrites (@harryble)

  1. Really, I’m very impressed with your method of writing, double-o-7. I enjoyed this story sincerely, for it was well-written. It could do with a little editing (and proofreading), but if you can write this well, you are really on your way into becoming a great creative writer. Kudos, @harryble.

  2. Lmao! Poor guy. He is doomed!

  3. Hahahaha…He starved his wife of sex for how long…? What did he expect her to do, stick a finger up her nose and spin on her left big toe? Hahaha…Funny piece…Love it.

  4. @Emma, Wow….seriously, words can’t express how i feel about your soul-lifting comment…Honestly, comments like this inspire me to do more.Sometimes it becomes a pleasant ‘burden’ in the sense that after drafting a story,write-up, article,piece, whatever, i try to put myself in the readers shoe and try to imagine his reaction. If i think he will not realy appreciate it, i throw the piece into the thrash can. I have done that to so many write-ups. Thank you once again and God bless!

    @Lade…u can say that again

    @Ray, Thanks!

    1. Double-o-7, I have been ‘flogged’ and rebuked plenty times for my NS-harsh commentaries. But at the same time, one or two NS-persons have admitted that my harsh NS-commentaries were honest and sincere and straight to the point. If your NS-posting is good through and through, I’ll say so. If not, I’ll also say so, the way I see it. Besides, it’s just a mere comment.

      If you intend to expose this piece to the outside world (that is, on paperback), be prepared for it to undergo more literary ‘overhauling'(that is, further thorough criticisms, editing, proofreading, etc), so that it would be worth the money and time your audience would spend to get it, read it and keep it for a lifetime.

      For now, it was very good. Keep it up! *thumbs up*

      1. By the way, what made me read this was the similar title it had with a well-known Hollywood film entitled SEX AND THE CITY. I admire the way the title to this piece a little twist. It’s commendable.

        1. I repeat this to correct the error there: “I admire the way [you gave] the title to this piece a little twist.”

  5. OMG!!!
    007! you just tickled my funny bone!! LWKMD!
    this is so funny..
    nice one there, so for 25 years nothing happened btw you two ?
    cant imagine what you did seeing her in the room..
    love this to pieces!

  6. Really funny 007.I like the title and the pace of the story.Nice twist at the end too.

  7. Wacky and out from left field. Funny. But like EN said, a strong dose of editing and proofreading would, in time, expose the diamond your tales.

  8. ROFLOLMOAFIAWEEEE,Gosh I had a good laugh,this post made me come back to NS,Double O you so rock,thumps are up

  9. ROFLMAO…This is epic!

  10. i have no sour words for u cos u deserve every sweet word for this good piece, never anticipated the finish which is good in a story, dammit! i feel for the poor old dude… he should just go ahead and try the muscular beauty.. GOOD JOB

  11. posh,hw cd anytin have hapund btw us?4 cryin out loud,she is lik thik,n short,n muscular n ‘unsexy’ n strong.i min…Thanx jef,wealth,howudey,gretel,rosie n ofcos,d brainy poet.hop u knw 2much of gd stuf is bad stuf,brains included?

  12. The message is clear. Marry before 40.

  13. 007, just wondering..the girl never complained or said anything all the while…and he never had a girlfriend or get another wife..just for a try..?

  14. ha ha ha! Well…as he found out…others were willing to have for a fee what he despised when he got it for free…nice one double-oh

  15. at posh,u want him 2 get anoda wife?n have his mom beat her flaccid chest 4 him?an act he fears d most in d whole wide world?

  16. there is a leson or theme every 1 is misin.n dt is dt ignorance is blis.notice hw he lost his libido wen he 1st saw his wif’s nakdnes?bt wen in d dark wit ‘Ibukun’ u cd imagine him regainin erectn,or at least,sexual excitemnt.n wen d lite was turnd on,wel…Mayb its tru dt wot u dnt knw dosnt hurt u.wot do u guys tink?

  17. I liked the style of the story. It is very fluid, and I got a real sense of how aggrieved the narrator was with his plight.

    However, there were a few things that made the story not so realistic for me, namely:

    – How could his mother have forced him to marry someone so unlike who he might have wanted? Couldn’t he have suggested that she suggest someone else for him?

    – How could this ugly midget (who was at least in her forties now) be working in a brothel, where sexual attractiveness is a key requirement?

    – How come he waited 25 years to try the option of visiting a brothel? I find it hard to believe that this option wouldn’t have occurred to him earlier.

    Also, it would have been nice to get a portrait of Ogene’s personality from the narrator.

    1. TolaO, you are a true editor. So, Double-o-7, this is the future criticism I’m talking about right here that this piece of yours needs, and believe me, there’s more to come, be sure of it. I need editors and critics like TolaO that can ask me constructive and realistic questions like the ones enlisted above, only that to pay una na the truest of wahalas… :) The questions TolaO has enlisted would make me re-look and re-read my creation. Thanks, dear TolaO, for being a ‘darling’ to us writers.

  18. hmm,eagle eyes u guys must have,ryte?bt i tink datz d idea:i gues its cald fiction n nt realism…n sometims,dis sort of tins r delibrately done by writers 2 engage dier readers.In evry of my stories,u wil always c dis twin literary elements:irony n contradictn.i hd tot it wd have wel been too borin 2 rid,had evry event been playd out in such sequence(as u mite hv hopd)…i tink somtims its 4n wen stories leav u askin y n wot if.i tink.tanx al d same 4 means u hv got gd literary x-rays 4 eyes

    1. Double-Oh-7,

      It’s OK to have surreal or fantastic scenes/events in a story, but the way your story was written made me think that it was intended to be realistic. I think that if you want to go for the fantastic angle, you should create scenes of such ‘ridiculousity’ and exaggeration that there’s no room for doubt in the mind of the reader.

  19. He he he… This is hilarious. And f*ck any over-editing. After all, its the unrealisticness that makes this piece so funny.

    Moreover, let’s not overlook the subtle lessons of Double-Oh-7’s story. One, if you don’t make a choice, others will choose for you. (One-and-a-half, nobody’s libido can remain dead FOREVER. He he he…) Two, one man’s “bee sting” is another man’s “sweet honey”. Three, our mindset is our reality. Thus, if you can’t change an unpleasant situation/person, change the way you think about such a situation/person. *winks*

  20. wow,king koboko,wot mor can i say?U rock!U al rock!…tanx 4 ur comendatns,tanx 4 ur criticisms.i luv u al!mmmmuuuaaa

  21. 007, good job! *thumbs up* He’s obviously stuck to Ogene forever. LMAO.

  22. Nice one, but I’m not very impressed.

  23. A very attractive title *it got me clicking in a milisecond*, the twist at the end was tight even though i guessed it would be his nemesis waiting for him. Good one, thumbs up…

  24. tanx love.ade,tnx al d me hw 2 mk u tick,pls

  25. The unexpected end was what made this story, for me that is. Well done 007…

  26. honestly, the man inquestion ought to be checked for mental/ego problems. why? he allowed his mother to push him over and he also decided to leave his FINE wife untended, impotent or not, while others are paying for a bit of what he detested??? is the guy alright?

  27. Found this story really funny. I was laughing hard after I read. Sometimes we need to delve from serious themes & make our readers laugh. Keep it up & keep improving.

  28. The introduction is perfect but along the line, some of the expressions contradict themselves, though you tried in some places to dissolve the contradictions with some words parentheses. I still believe this story deserves a lot of editing and proof reading to tackle some grammar errors i spotted therein. Also, you might want to give us a little more ‘showing’ than ‘telling’ cos the way you wrote this connotes a kind of ‘taking-your-word-for-it; we never got the chance to feel the central character’s famed prowess with ladies, his sad marriage etc. Dont leave us in the dark, bring this story to light!
    Above all, good job.

  29. I saw the title and glanced past it, till a friend told me of one editor for a lifestyle magazine who had submitted the same story for the magazine.
    My question is this, Is this your own write-up or should I say your original idea?
    Bear in mind that I am not here to make light of you as my friend doesn’t believe that the editor owns the work although the editor claims otherwise, yet…

  30. Enoquin, this is Harold Benson,your EDITOR friend. Please oh, it is my story..I uploaded it here first before i submitted it to ….(do you mind if i mention the lifestyle magazine publisher’s name?)…Okay, i posted the story on naija stories first before i submitted it to degree360…Double-oh-Seven is my username on naija stories. I admire your concern and language. you may make a better counsel than my self(you know what i am talking about)..By the way, how is Michael Eke, Sunny and SilverLucci?…..

  31. da writing engineeer, tanx

  32. Interesting read! And nice surprising ending…but there are some issues that raise questions…After hearing her voice for 25 years, how come he didn’t recognize it at the brothel?

    And then I think you didn’t let us know actually how bad Ogene the midget wife was. All we got to hear are conclusions that she was a nightmare. The only thing you seemed to hint on was her look as a midget.

    Still, I love your power of description, especially at the brothel. That seems to be the strongest image conjuring part of the story. And you maintained the humour which is really good.

    Well done!

  33. This is crazy…very crazy story.
    Nice one. Nice one.
    Ditto Afronuts’ observations.

  34. Lmfaooooo serves him right.

  35. So he has been the one suffering sexual deprivation these 25yrs. she was getting her groove on….

Leave a Reply