can’t COOK it??? GOOGLE IT!

can’t COOK it??? GOOGLE IT!

Warning & disclaimer: Not for men prone to heart attacks. Do not read if you frequently display symptoms of hypersensitivity to the truth such as vehement denial, loud brawls and a quick temper. ‘Nuff said.

It is the year 2010; a healthy ten years after the once predicted end of the world. Ten years of explosive technology; of the invasion of MySpace, Twitter and Facebook. Ten years of riding on the carriages of knowledge; of Nigerians being the campaigners of most of the world innovations – from Nokia 3310 to Camera phones to Blackberries to Ipods and Ipads, to lace wigs, contact lens and fake lashes.
Hmmm…Ten years of a radical transformation…

…And I hear a woman was sent away from her husband’s house because she could not cook??!

Hello??? That is one of the most ridiculous things to hear in this present age. If I had heard it about ten years ago, I might have seen the reason for that, might have been quick to blame the girl’s parents (well, that’s what every other person would do), might have been among the first to point accusing fingers.
But not now…not when the world is flailing at the brink of an economic crash, not when Nigeria is about celebrating fifty years of a failed state; fifty years of poker-faced lies, daylight robbery and standby generators that do more work than the transformers. Not when we as a people have come to accept that survival means hustling in our own country, whether you are a Senator’s son or not (no one knows where the next wind of EFCC might blow, the wind that changes billionaires to prisoners).

Seriously, at this stage in the life of my country, I blame the woman who would be accused of not knowing how to cook.

Give that same woman a Blackberry for the first time and watch her decode its usage in seconds. Open a Facebook page for her and be amazed when she gathers a hundred friends in two days. Everyone is getting technologically savvy. Wouldn’t it be smart if women were to also carry the same ‘talent’ into the kitchen?

These days, every household has at least a computer or a GPRS enabled phone. Just take a sec…pause…type into Google the words ‘how to prepare bitter leaf soup’ or ‘how to prepare egusi soup’ and you will be amazed the number of links you’ll likely get. Some sites even offer pictures of the ready-made food with tips on how to eat the food, whether to swallow or to chew. There is no recipe that cannot be found on the internet.

So here’s my advice to you woman that cannot cook: men are looking for excuses to blame us of being lazy and incompetent, excuses to compare us with their mothers of another generation. Therefore, we will not stand for any one of our fellow ‘sisters’ giving them that reason on a platter of gold.

If you cannot cook, don’t allow your mother-in-law catch you in the middle of a step-by-step-details-to-cooking-banga-soup phone call to your mother (so embarrassing to be caught red-handed); don’t depend on your never-failing ‘intuition’ to prepare the most incredible jollof rice when all you’ve ever cooked in your life is a boiled egg that looked like it was trying hard not to fall apart (even I won’t want to risk that kind of food); don’t be caught sneaking in through the back gate with a cooler of beans and plantain bought from the Mr. Biggs down the street (your pretty smile might not save you on this one).

Very wisely and (**clears throat**) discreetly, get an Internet connected laptop hidden safely in your kitchen. Whatever he wants to eat, no matter how strange it sounds, smile and assure him that dinner will be served in a blink. Never show how panicked you are. It might raise a red light. Hide your panic attack until you get into the kitchen. After dancing round the kitchen on one leg and shaking your nervous fingers in the air, carefully look around you to make sure that there is no one in sight. Then pull out your cute pink laptop from the top of the shelf and type the keywords into any search engine.

The magic will happen an hour later when you present a decent meal, steaming hot and in your best chinaware, in front of him. When he compliments you that you are the best cook in the world, remember to smile again. However, this time reply, “Anything for you, darling” (**wink** in the direction of your lap top; it just saved you at least five years of having to find another husband).

Tech-i-no-lo-gy! Who says it can’t save your marriage??

NOTE: Abeg, learn the basics of cooking else you might just end up killing the poor man if you mistake ‘ground pepper’ for ‘curry’.

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17 thoughts on “can’t COOK it??? GOOGLE IT!” by pyneapples (@pyneapples)

  1. im impressed, beautiful article, it was really captivating, sounds like you have experiece with ppl who cant cook.

  2. Lol. Nice write up. Though any one who sends a woman out of the house for not knowing how to cook belongs in the dark ages and any woman who marries such a man belongs there with him. This is the 21st century. As my dad says “if you want a cook employ one. If you want your wife to be your cook, give her a wife job description before the ring. If you don’t, you have no right complaining afterwards”.

  3. Lolzzz,interesting oh,now I know what to do to please my dad and mum,and even my granny and BF,thanks to u.
    Really like it

  4. Pyneapples!!! You have done it again!…The gospel according to pyneapples…And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you closed!..You go gal!

  5. Lol…true talk jaree my persin!!!!

    But Lade…i disagree…why should a woman wait to be told that cooking is part of her job description??? I should think that owing to our background and culture (i assume we all are african) that it’s part of the basics of upbringing; a man MIGHT be forgiven for not knowing how to cook; a woman…NEVER.

    That’s what i think anyway.

    Nice read though.

  6. lol, this is very funny. I like the way you worked humour with the state of things now. Sure to leave people with a smile. thumbs up!

  7. Ha! hilarious. keep this up and you’ll have the whole of the female clan behind you.
    I like.

  8. They do say that when in doubt, google! Lol, very interesting piece. LMHO @ five years of having to find another husband!

  9. thanks guys for the contributions…..i kinda had the feeling that the men will want to shout me down but…oh well, not happening YET, i see.

  10. This made me smile. I’m a guy but I could use the advice. You don’t wanna know how many times I’ve called my mum to iron out certain recipe issues. And we won’t shout you down. I won’t anyway. Whatever works for whoever…

  11. Meena-Adekoya (@Olajumoke-Adekoya)

    nice article girl…more power to ur elbow..very nice…it certainly made me laugh, u have one wicked sense of humor, i’ll be sure to follow ur blog

  12. Pyneapples; lol. Well done again. And I ditto Mercy’s “gospel according to pyneapples” comment. With your take on cooking and Lara.B’s Punctuation rules, am guessing we have nothing to worry about.

    Can’t stop laughing.

  13. Aaaah! The feminist in me rages! Why? I have noticed (firsthand I might add) that many dudes who complain a chic can’t cook, are no good at house hold repairs or DIY projects- yet their ‘manhood’ is not to be questioned. Hogwash! The hypocrisy gets on my last nerve! Since we have refused to judge fairly, african or no, I think you should learn a skill because you want to, not ‘cos it’s expected of u- damned stereotypes and the shackles that bind! and just for the record, no sour grapes- I can cook circles around most people…

    That said, it really is pretty cool how the internet can save us all…

    1. @ceug: listen to me: sit down. Now take in three sharp breaths. Now calm down. I said calm down. Haha… I feels ya pain sha. But activists need to have a job nah?

      1. @cikko907 FINE!!! I’ll calm down since u asked so nicely. Was just about to get rough on NS :D (jusk kiddin y’all)

  14. LOL @://(no one knows where the next wind of EFCC might blow, the wind that changes billionaires to prisoners).//

    and: //After dancing round the kitchen on one leg and shaking your nervous fingers in the air, carefully look around you to make sure that there is no one in sight.//

    Very funny, but mostly true. Many more need to read this.

  15. This is a very hilarious one….Now you’ve got me in trouble ‘cos my laughter rang out in the silent house and woke up half of the household….Khai!

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