Warning & disclaimer: Not for men prone to heart attacks. Do not read if you frequently display symptoms of hypersensitivity to the truth such as vehement denial, loud brawls and a quick temper. ‘Nuff said.
It is the year 2010; a healthy ten years after the once predicted end of the world. Ten years of explosive technology; of the invasion of MySpace, Twitter and Facebook. Ten years of riding on the carriages of knowledge; of Nigerians being the campaigners of most of the world innovations – from Nokia 3310 to Camera phones to Blackberries to Ipods and Ipads, to lace wigs, contact lens and fake lashes.
Hmmm…Ten years of a radical transformation…
…And I hear a woman was sent away from her husband’s house because she could not cook??!
Hello??? That is one of the most ridiculous things to hear in this present age. If I had heard it about ten years ago, I might have seen the reason for that, might have been quick to blame the girl’s parents (well, that’s what every other person would do), might have been among the first to point accusing fingers.
But not now…not when the world is flailing at the brink of an economic crash, not when Nigeria is about celebrating fifty years of a failed state; fifty years of poker-faced lies, daylight robbery and standby generators that do more work than the transformers. Not when we as a people have come to accept that survival means hustling in our own country, whether you are a Senator’s son or not (no one knows where the next wind of EFCC might blow, the wind that changes billionaires to prisoners).
Seriously, at this stage in the life of my country, I blame the woman who would be accused of not knowing how to cook.
Give that same woman a Blackberry for the first time and watch her decode its usage in seconds. Open a Facebook page for her and be amazed when she gathers a hundred friends in two days. Everyone is getting technologically savvy. Wouldn’t it be smart if women were to also carry the same ‘talent’ into the kitchen?
These days, every household has at least a computer or a GPRS enabled phone. Just take a sec…pause…type into Google the words ‘how to prepare bitter leaf soup’ or ‘how to prepare egusi soup’ and you will be amazed the number of links you’ll likely get. Some sites even offer pictures of the ready-made food with tips on how to eat the food, whether to swallow or to chew. There is no recipe that cannot be found on the internet.
So here’s my advice to you woman that cannot cook: men are looking for excuses to blame us of being lazy and incompetent, excuses to compare us with their mothers of another generation. Therefore, we will not stand for any one of our fellow ‘sisters’ giving them that reason on a platter of gold.
If you cannot cook, don’t allow your mother-in-law catch you in the middle of a step-by-step-details-to-cooking-banga-soup phone call to your mother (so embarrassing to be caught red-handed); don’t depend on your never-failing ‘intuition’ to prepare the most incredible jollof rice when all you’ve ever cooked in your life is a boiled egg that looked like it was trying hard not to fall apart (even I won’t want to risk that kind of food); don’t be caught sneaking in through the back gate with a cooler of beans and plantain bought from the Mr. Biggs down the street (your pretty smile might not save you on this one).
Very wisely and (**clears throat**) discreetly, get an Internet connected laptop hidden safely in your kitchen. Whatever he wants to eat, no matter how strange it sounds, smile and assure him that dinner will be served in a blink. Never show how panicked you are. It might raise a red light. Hide your panic attack until you get into the kitchen. After dancing round the kitchen on one leg and shaking your nervous fingers in the air, carefully look around you to make sure that there is no one in sight. Then pull out your cute pink laptop from the top of the shelf and type the keywords into any search engine.
The magic will happen an hour later when you present a decent meal, steaming hot and in your best chinaware, in front of him. When he compliments you that you are the best cook in the world, remember to smile again. However, this time reply, “Anything for you, darling” (**wink** in the direction of your lap top; it just saved you at least five years of having to find another husband).
Tech-i-no-lo-gy! Who says it can’t save your marriage??
NOTE: Abeg, learn the basics of cooking else you might just end up killing the poor man if you mistake ‘ground pepper’ for ‘curry’.
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