All Hail Lagos The Mega-city!

All Hail Lagos The Mega-city!

Have you really looked around you? As in REALLY looked around you, if you live in Lagos? Have you observed those little details that make the city unique in its own crazy way?

Maybe…maybe not.

If you have, then you would probably find it interesting answering this question: WHAT IS YOUR DESCRIPTION OF LAGOS?

I recall someone saying something about a vision 2015 of Lagos becoming a mega-city and I am thinking, “Omigosh! Omigosh! 2015 had better come fast abeg before I die of too much laughter in this city!”

In my head, I picture a scene at a bus-stop, a fight between a bus conductor and an elderly gentleman that happened earlier this year. The bus conductor was dressed in a vest and pants rolled up to his knees, hair standing saluting the four corners of the earth – hair that has only had visions of what a comb could look like. The gentleman, however, could pass for your father on a regular day, looking well dressed in a two piece suit complete with a handkerchief sticking out of his breast pocket and spectacles with a portfolio tucked beneath his arm; the perfect picture of a civil servant.

The two men were engaged in a fight.

It’s in Lagos that you will see a grown responsible man lose his head over ten naira change from a bus fare; where a man getting close to the age of retirement will roll up his sleeves to exchange blows with a red-eyed bus conductor on the streets. It’s in Lagos that the two men will actually stand nose to nose, comparing notes on how dangerous each of them could be; all the while taking their voices a notch lower to sound more menacing.

The bus conductor: “Ah, oga, no try me for this Lagos. I swear I go show you say na me be the real area boy. In fact, my papa sef na area boy.”
The man: “Who do you think you are? Eh? Do you know who I am? Look at you, did you go to school at all? Nonsense illiterate!”
The bus conductor: “You know who I be sef? See this old fool still dey talk. I go use bottle break your head oh, forget am comot…no shaking.”

…and so on and so forth.

It’s in Lagos that a man in uniform popularly called ‘Staff’ will try to separate the fight hoping that his voice and maybe his uniform will do the trick of ending the fight with the help of some overzealous onlookers. Sometimes, I wonder if there are secret agents standing by the roadside just waiting for a fight to start to show off their high testosterone levels.

All hail Lagos!

Days like that you would think to yourself that those Abuja people are missing out on all the action. You would wish you had carried a collapsible chair from the house just so that you can balance properly on the sidewalk and watch the live action-comedy without PHCN interruption.
“Those Abuja people sef,” you would think, “they form too much. You see now? See real Nollywood happening right in front of me, free of charge, no popcorn to spend my money on. Chai! Where is that my phone sef so I can send the video to Youtube.”

It’s in Lagos that people dash across the expressway like headless chickens…directly beneath a pedestrian bridge! I myself have been guilty of it. If you ask me why I do it, I would probably say that there is a certain thrill that comes with conquering all those fast cars zooming past me without care; a thrill that comes with dancing salsa back and forth while I zigzag my way across the street.
Or maybe it’s the closest I can get to feeling like the star actress of an action movie. Angelina Jolie, move out babe!

It’s in Lagos that we wear helmets like we are wearing face caps. Some even put ‘style’ into it by turning it to face backwards. Without the fasteners around the chin, some of us hold it above our heads ‘because it’s not hygienic’.
Puh-lease, what’s the point of wearing a helmet if at a collision, the helmet will probably be the first to fly off before you pay your allegiance to the law of gravity?


By the way, I am also guilty of that.

It’s in Lagos that…...(get ready for part II)

…………………………… can follow me on………………………

19 thoughts on “All Hail Lagos The Mega-city!” by pyneapples (@pyneapples)

  1. Really enjoy staying with Lag boys and girls and your write up too. Eko ni baje oh.

    1. who wont enjoy lagos,its the golden city man.

  2. I love Lagos!! I miss that city badly…The last time I was on a bike in Lagos and holding the helmet on my head as the bike sped off..(not because of hygiene, but the clasp of the helmet was bad), I recall laughing at myself when I thought about how useless the helmet will be if an accident occurred.. Only in….Nice one!

  3. LOL at: //You would wish you had carried a collapsible chair from the house just so that you can balance properly on the sidewalk and watch the live action-comedy without PHCN interruption.//


    //what’s the point of wearing a helmet if at a collision, the helmet will probably be the first to fly off before you pay your allegiance to the law of gravity?//

    How true. And me I find it so funny when a helmet flies off the head of a passenger while the bike is speeding off, and then they have to stop. But I know I would never like that to happen to me, so I hold the helmet WELL when I know the strap is not good.

    Very well written, Pyneapples. Eko o ni baje!!!

    BTW, the way you ended this piece is like PHCN taking light. Lol.

  4. Really liked this,I enjoy lagos a lot but that’s Becos when I go there,I’ve got a driver.Lagos,a place where night never comes,no helmet will settle on this my head.
    You rockkkkk

    1. that means you have not been to the real lagos o,you have to enter a danfo or a BRT to have firsthand experience.

  5. Lasgidi o ni baje o! Yeah you captured some of the scenery of Lagos in words, good one.

  6. Lol! All the reasons why i will never be a proper lagosian. Abuja has spoiled me, thank God.
    Nice one, pyneapples, and well written.

  7. “…before you pay your allegiance to the law of gravity.” my best part of this writeup. makes chaos seem desirable. don’t tink i ever wanna live in Lagos though. the reality is not so prose worthy

  8. Good one…Some burdens and joy of Lagos U did put down here…Well, the joy somehow tolls more daily…

    You should listen to my ode to lagos.

    You have photographic fingers…

  10. lol girl, you don’t wanna know what went off with the helmet the day it felw off my head on motion. Chai.

    I am sooo guilty of wearing the helmet as a facecap and yeah, it isn’t hygenic. lol Good job girl. But me, I dey climb bridge. Am one Lagos girl who gets asked if am one. lolz

    1. Yeah, I also use the bridges o. Don’t think it’s fun trying to cross the express when I can use the bridge.

  11. Girl, me myself I wonder o.Crossing the dangerous roads right under the pedestrian bridges?I don’t do it anymore sha, even though it’s very tempting.
    Lagos na wa!

  12. am glad everyone agrees abt the lagos thanks

  13. i liked this, very interesting and funny, just like the lag live in for fourteen years

  14. I love this piece,lagos is not the center of excellence for nothing now.
    every line stuck.well done.
    Eko o ni baje o.

  15. I really enjoyed this. Typical Lagos. Funny enough, in spite of the craze and razz mataaz, I don’t see myself living any where else. Eko oni baje!

  16. 2cute4u (@2cute4u)

    I found it interesting..

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