Wow, what a great shot there on Re: Ramblings of an Insomniac (3) TO HIT A WOMAN by @Kaycee.
Check out @chemokopi on this great masterpiece:
on June 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm
”Hehehe…nice! Very funny and creative. You and this your woman matter…hehehehe.
Hmmm…but guy easy on them commas now. Wetin dem do you? They were running all over the place.
Let me shoot some general criticism:
‘Now, this particular sleepless night, I was occupying my time through PS3, I wasn’t bored or lonely or anything.’ This sentence is actually like three simple sentences/clauses improperly connected. The commas don’t do a good job here. I think these versions might work better:
‘Now, ON this particular sleepless night, I was occupying my time through PS3 AND wasn’t bored or lonely or anything’. or this:
‘Now, ON this particular sleepless night, I was occupying my time through PS3–I wasn’t bored or lonely or anything’. The dash here makes it work because what follows is an abrupt addition to the flow of thoughts. Although, the dash creates a greater emphasis on what follows than how AND does in the previous example.
‘Now, you remember those long ago days in Bethlehem of Judea when Jesus was hosting his talk shows and generally being a nuisance to the Pharisees and Sadducees, you remember that particular episode when the master was in the midst of the show crowd and a woman had touched him?’ That comma before YOU REMEMBER should be a colon or semicolon depending on your emphasis. A comma is too weak a separator for the two clauses.
‘Don’t blame Jesus, I don’t blame him.’ The dash or semi-colon works better here; or you break the sentence in two.
‘It was unexpected and unanticipated, I had not prepared a befitting lie or excuse.’ Same as above. On the other hand, the comma can remain and be followed by an adverb like EVEN MORE so you have:
‘It was unexpected and unanticipated, even more because I had not prepared a befitting lie or excuse.’
‘So, I stammered and strained and coughed, the young lady on the other end just waited calmly for me to finish my strangling and swallowing, and then she asked the question again.’ To keep this sentence intact, the comma before THE YOUNG LADY would have to be a semi-colon.
‘You see, Clara is My Lady’s best friend. My Lady has this believe that if I truly love her…’ BELIEVE should have been BELIEF.
‘Amongst all these, I am especially supposed to love her brother, and her best friend as a proof that I am The One.’ Did you really need the last comma?
‘Now, truth be known, I won’t mind loving her female friends, especially if they are physically encouraging; no, I won’t mind at all, but I definitely would not love her brother, the guy laughs too loud and too often, plus he is too pretty.’ The comma before THE GUY should be a dash or should be deleted and a new sentence started.
Ok, Seeing that we are being truthful and candid and forthcoming; concerning My Lady’s friends, I would have to admit that I have been there and done it with one, and then been there and almost done it with…I think, two others.’ Why not:
Ok, Seeing that we are being truthful and candid and forthcoming concerning My Lady’s friends, I would have to admit that I have been there and done it with one, and then been there and almost done it with…I think, two others.’ I think the semicolon in the former is unnecessary.
‘Anyway, back to the question that re-routed my blood stream, there was no way of going around the issue.’ The comma before THERE WAS should be a dash because the clause that follows is almost like an interjection on what you were saying in the preceding clause.
‘…rats in my school bag. (The rats were for a charm that would ensure victory in all fights).’ I think the fullstop before the opening bracket should be deleted.
‘She made it again, that fearful sound with my name entangled deeply in it.’ I think the comma should have been a semicolon.
‘It was terrible, the things she was saying, nothing romantic about it.’ The comma before NOTHING should be a dash.
I will stop here. I think you get my drift now. But then again, this is my humble opinion.
Keep improving. There is no end to learning.”
So, who shoots next and on who?
NS rules.
ostar 12 months ago.