Deprophets I: Prophet Ikokonlaja

“Hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, Holy Reekadofeaturingtiwa, arabinrin, your ibujoko is shaking, wo, very shaking, laipe, they will pack your load from your husband house. The chair you are sitting on now is 3 leg”.
The woman looks frighteningly at the chair she is sitting on.
“No ooo, I do not mean this one oo, I mean the chair of your marriage, that is what we call ibujoko.
Most married women, if not all, always have this fear of their husbands cheating on them no matter how faithful their husbands appear to be. So, in their insecurity, they will do anything and everything possible to prevent the “elese toothpick” and “olomu nla” girls from snatching their husbands. Probably, their insecurity stems from the fact they were once “elese toothpick”, snatching people’s husband.
“Devil women with red lips and sharp teeth are cutting off the leg of your chair small small, arabinrin, you need to do something fast before epa o ni boro mo”, he continued.
And that is Prophet Ikokonlaja. Prophet Ikokonlaja is your everyday white garment prophet, short, bald headed and a pot-bellied stomach. He is barely educated but experience has taught him basic psychology, like every other prophet: no woman will hear she will be kicked out of her matrimonial home and will not be desperate to do something about it.
“Sir, what can I do to prevent this”, the woman asked eagerly.
One thing I have learnt is that the solution a prophet proffer to a problem is usually tailored to his own urgent needs. So, just picture a Prophet Ikokonlaja that has only taken garri and coconut as breakfast with 7 seven children and 3 wives. Picture the prophet’s church, where members have very few wooden, almost collapsed benches to sit on.
It is important to also put in mind that chairs signifies ibujoko (marriage) in white garment churches. Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.
“Holy, Holy, Holy, Iskabaiskelebeiskoloboto, to make sure say this won’t happen, the spirit say you will buy 7 dozens of plastic white chairs, after you have buy it, you will now sit down on 21 out of the 7 dozens, 21 elders will pray specially for you. Beeni, ise agba mokanlelogun ni.
“After this prayer, you will do itore anu, you will put one – one thousand naira inside 50 white envelopes, we will now give it to beggars. And your problem is over”
The woman will be more than happy to do all these and it will be written that on that particular day, Prophet Ikokonlaja with his seven children and three wives ate chicken soup – a very rare commodity.



One thought on “Deprophets I: Prophet Ikokonlaja” by Aluko Remilekun Tosin (@Simplyremmy)

  1. 😂😂😂😂😂. Damn, you cracked me up with this one.

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