Ijeoma had just broken up with me. she is the tenth girl I had dated in three years. They all left me for the same reason. I am so self centered. Ijeoma birthday was the previous day . I neither called her nor sent her a text message. I forget everyones birthday except mine. i am so obsessed with myself. Maintaining a relationship seems to be hardwork for me. I rarely pick up the phone to make a call them except i need help.
I kept wandering whether to begin yet another hunt for a new patner. Just then an idea crept into my head. May be I was not born to get married to another. I was created get married to my self.
I spent the entire day thinking of how the weddin would be.Would I dress in a suit or bridal gown since i am both the bride and the groom? would i kiss myself when the pastor says you may kiss the bride? may be i should go tell the pastor my intention to seek his approval.
I went to the church to see pastor . I tabled my intention before him. we spent two hours debating on the issue. I dared him to show me verses where the bible frowns at self-marriage. he could only show me verses where the bible frowns at incest and same-sex union. After searching in vain, he gave up.
“have your parent given their consent,? he asked with his eyes looking at me. I didnt see that coming
” em em , i havent told them yet'” i managed to say trying hard not to lie to the man of God
” i need their consent before we could proceed ”
with that i left the church. I remembered my parents had banned me from ever visiting them except i was accompanied by my wife to be. they desperately need their only son to get married and bear them a grand child. convincing them of my intention is harder than putting a camel through the eyes of a needle. would they accept child adoption? using a bible would be a waste of time.they are core traditionalist.
i took of to the village the next day. Mama didnt even let me inside the house before saying
“nwam, you are not entering this house till you show us your fiancee” she said as she tried closing the door.
”no mama, i am getting married,” i said,
the door swung wide open. i was now wellcomed home. my mum danced and danced while praising GOD in our local dialet.daddy walked into the parlour .mummy announced the good news to him.
” where is she” dad asked. daddy never belives anything easily. .
”em..em.., i am getting married to myself. i am my wife” i managed to say without caring how it sounds
mama stoped dancing. she stopped gazing her eyeballs at me.she couldnt believe what she heard. i showed papa magazines of americans who were currently married to themselves and how they are hapily married.
”our son has gone mad” mama screamed, loud. i tried to console her before she attracts the neigbours. daddy quietly walked out holding his first finger on his mouth. mummy screams gradualy turned into tears. i wondered how my happy news could make her cry.i wiped her tears using the white handkerchief from my back pocket. daddy finally came back accompanied by four hefty men. they should be representing nigeria in world wrestling championship.
”grab him” dad ordered. his fingers pointing towards my direction.
before i could say a word, i was lifted up weightlesly.
” lock the door and come with us, lets go find a cure for our son’s madness” papa said refering to mama.
with that we left. i wished the force of gravity could pull me down. we passed through thick forest until we finally came to a halt. i was dropped to the ground and tied to a nearby palm tree. an elderly man appeared with white marks on his face.he held a horn on his left hand . i had been taken to a native doctor to cure my madnes. the native doctor placed the horn on my forehead while saying incantantion in igbo dialet. he popped the requirement – a bottle of shinap, allegator pepper, a white fowl, a 3yr old he-male goat and 4 pieces of kolanut. i was to be taken to the village otammiri river naked for 3-day spiritual cleansing and would be flogged 50 strokes of the cane.
on hearing ’50 strokes of the cane”, i had to get out of the mess i got myself into
” i am not mad ooo, i was only joking. i am not marrying myself ” i screamed. no one belived me. i had to say something more to convince them.
”check my phone, you would see picture of my fiancee” i yelled once again.i had to lie about marrying myself because you didnt even let me have a seat before throwing in the marriage question.”
This got their attention. mummy picked my phone from my pocket and saw the pictures of me and my ex -Ijeoma holding each other. Thank god she didnt go through my inbox to see the break up message.
it worked. i was untied . I was finally declared normal. i left the village in anoyance.that was how my desire to get married to myself was buried forever.