NESS (A Big Testimony)

***Welcome back Ness!***

Ness was somewhat reluctant to give the microphone to the unusually radiant woman, it was quite uncommon to see her happy on a Sunday morning, but Ness had no choice, he was sure that beneath the enthusiastic look of the woman was mischief, but as much as he was curious to know it, he wish he wouldn’t give the announcement a public chance.

There was no choice now, mama Sunday had already leapt forward, raising a song that ignited the church members to dance, it was a song that many couldn’t resist the urge to dance to anytime they heard it. A handful of the congregation stood impulsively, they were just as eager to hear what her testimony was, but before she said it, they had to do justice to the song that they all loved.

After singing, the woman stood from her knees and spoke with a very high pitched tenor; “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you know what true happiness in the home is, you would join me in praising the one and only God who can make impossible situations possible”. Ness was bored, but the woman soon started another chorus and more members of the congregation joined in celebrating and thanking God, some even made the efforts to join her in front. Ness didn’t smile until he saw them dropping money in the thanksgiving bag that sat in front of the pulpit like a beggar at a bus stop.

‘Praise the Lord!’ Ness yelled to bring the song to an appropriate halt as they neared its end. “Let us now sit to hear the testimony of our sister.”

Mama Sunday started; “Fellow Believers, I would have wished to sing more and more songs, to show how happy I am today, but there is not much time to do that, as we know, even if all the strands of hair on our head were to be tongues, it would do very little in magnifying our great great God.

You all are not unaware about how much sufferings I face in my home daily. You all know that my six years marriage to baba Sunday has been nothing but an absolute disaster. Many of you have at one time or the other been called to settle disputes between me and him several times, and most of the settlement always end us up in deeper loggerheads. You all know that the day I got married to him, I automatically became a punching bag. Unfortunately too, many of you who tried to settle our disputes also became victims of his punching skills.” She hissed, “Some of you still even have the scars of your experience.”

Church members murmured delightedly, some started turning around to see if the tough Baba Sunday was in church that Sunday, she wouldn’t have had the guts to be saying this in public if he was, but even if he was, he wasn’t sitting where he always did, so many of the faces returned without seeing him. Ness wasn’t looking around for Baba Sunday, he was slightly rubbing the back of his left elbow where a bone had shifted the day he received Baba Sunday’s punch while trying to settle the couple’s dispute.

“It was last Tuesday that a friend gave me an advise that I would always bless God for,” Mama Sunday continued, “After much praying and fasting, I was advised that when God says ‘I am coming’ it might take a million years.”

Church members nodded agreeably, some were becoming sceptical about the testimony, but the effect was an obvious curiosity as the whole congregation was thrown in complete silence.

“To show you all that there is no one that God cannot use, the same Mama Ebuka, who we all like to call a witch was the one who gave me the advise to see one Baba Ijasegun.”

Church members marvelled, it wasn’t so certain if they were marvelling at the fact that Mama Sunday had taken the effrontery to consult the popular witch or because she had mentioned Baba Ijasegun who they knew as a very terrible herbalist, but a curious silence still dominated the auditorium.

“Baba gave me a small white object and told me to say all my problems to it and after I did, he assured me that there would be no problem anymore in my family.

To my greatest surprise, I can’t deny that I doubted though, but when I got home, it was a complete testimony!” She shrieked.

Ness was going to take over the mic and ban such testimony from being heard in church, but before he could, the woman had continued to the listening audience.

“What happened at home is beyond what mouth can describe. And today, I am going to show you all that my God is a great God.”

Ness stood halfway to see what the woman was going to show the church.

“My Dear!” She called out amidst the silence. Gazes of onlookers travelled quickly around the church to catch the first sight of the invisible husband, but he wasn’t invisible. All eyes darted in the direction of a tall woman who was now standing from among the congregation and making her way forward.

When the tall woman got to the front, she knelt submissively before Mama Sunday.

“Yes mommy” the woman said in a very strange masculine voice.

Murmurs rose among church members.

“Take off my wig from your head, let the church members see your face.”

The woman took off the wig on her head and to their greatest astonishment, the church members beheld the Baba Sunday in sight, he had been the assumed tall woman.

“Raise your hands!” mama Sunday instructed.

“Yes mommy” The man obeyed immediately.

“Oya stand up and stop embarrassing me, you don’t have to kneel down for me in public. You know I love you.”

“Yes mommy. I’m sorry ma” The man rose from his knees and took a bow.

“Oya, go back to your sit, people can already see that our God is a very great God!”

The church was filled with confused side talks. Ness himself couldn’t tell what he would say as he was offered the mic. The pain behind his shoulder was a proof that justice had been done, but it was a church and he was completely dumb about what to say.

As the woman neglected the dumbfounded Pastor Ness and headed towards her seat, church members arose and gave her a standing ovation.

Ness could not tell which side he would take if he spoke.

THE END

 



7 thoughts on “NESS (A Big Testimony)” by Levuz (@Levuz)

  1. Lovely! You nailed it.

  2. Lol…….. Poor Ness

  3. Hahahahahahahahahahaha…
    A church somewhere in Nigeria…God save us.

  4. heheheheheh… nice one.. i couldnt stop laughing. Keep writing

  5. Hehehehe Baba Sunday has bin reduced.

    Funny

  6. Very funny! I can’t imagine that kind of situation happening in a church, the chaos that will ensue…
    Well done! What a testimony!

  7. @shungodotun @halfmoon @drose @jessica1128 @raykeeyah @vanessa

    Thanks for reading!
    Please don’t forget that Ness is a series. Keep enjoying.

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