Haven #1

THE DARE

Now it was rayden’s time to mount the Wriggler, his country most formidable wheel on spikes. the game in itself is both barbaric and pointless but in haven city it was the norms. little children weren’t allowed on the wheel due to a little incident few years back. apparently some tough kids bullied each other,more like dared one of their numbers to mount the wheel and he sadly accepted and didn’t survive. his body parts was strewn all around the spikes thereby urging the haven council to place a ban on underage riding .

with all this said, it was stupid for Rayden to ever want to mount the wriggler after all he was only fifteen,three years shy of being an adult. but like that other kid he had been dared, and tough rayden has a reputation to uphold. his gang has dared him to, not gang,rayden likes to think of his gang as a band of resistance fighters. who they were resisting he wasn’t sure himself. his gang had pressured him days ago and he had accepted the challenge bravely but they all had to wait to witness his triumph.

pike was heavily guarded,the city’s only amusement park for adult. Rayden even wonders why the wriggler was stationed here. there is no amusement in a game that could kill you. there were also rumours that even some adults loses a limb or two and they are always supervised. but that was just talk. his gang could only secure this place because today had been an holiday so mostly everyone was in thus making it a perfect day to witness a dare. it’s a little too late to back down now he thought to himself as the whole gang was there and bets had been placed.

His heart was thumping, blood rising. there was even an evidence of tension written all over him. his whole gang was aware, there were cheers of encouragement from his people it was now or never. Rayden stepped on the wheels making it veer sideways. oooooh some jeered but rayden righted himself, looked back to his people, winked then sat down on the wheel. it automatically activated..moment of truth. the wriggler began moving, people began shouting. rayden held on tight not moving knowing any mistake could cost him his life. he was sweating now the wheel began shaking heading both ways simultaneously. his hand slipped, people jeered but still rayden held on for dear life. it was getting harder now, panic has set in. in rayden’s thought “I am tougher than this” he was still saying to himself when the wheel suddenly stopped, he looked both ways then back. he saw the throng of his gang cheering him and shouting. he laughed at himself he has survived, he has done it.

he carefully stepped off the wheel, now his people were almost upon him. feeling very good with himself. now no one was going to ever dare him. he’d earned this respect. the sky became blue all of a sudden, rayden gazed up, his heart skipped he could see little streaks of light descending. they are here, the aliens, the conqueror. his victory was cut short and like everyone he began running, running for dear life.



2 thoughts on “Haven #1” by halfmoon (@halfmoon)

  1. * Almost every sentence started with a small letter; that’s not good. Proper nouns also started with a small letter. Those errors are too obvious to be ignored.

    * You switched tense, past to present.

    * Sincerely, I skipped several sentences. The suspense you hoped to create did not work–for me, that is. The end, the alien invasion part, did not achieve that either.

    Keep writing. And try to work on the more obvious errors.

Leave a Reply