I See Her

I see her every night as I close my eyes to hit the hay.

I see the one I, despite undeserving, had loved from afar.

I see the damsel I had written this little but heartfelt piece to, approaching me.

Her presence makes me feel the warmth of true love.

Her stunningly beautiful face makes the angels feel jealous.

Her cute smiles makes me think the stars had failed to shine.

Her sparkling and beautiful eyes make her full of life.

Her heartbeats do the musical rhythm that morning birds cannot.

Her skin, smooth as baby’s, causes envy in the heart of Princesses and Queens.

Her curves and edges are the dream of Princes and Kings.

I feel her hands in mine as my eyes meet hers.

I hear her soft voice in my head say the words I longed to hear.

I hear her assuring me in whispers that ‘we will last forever’.

And just before I open my eyes, I say to her…..”Let’s do this in reality”.

*************

Okay, this is my first poetry piece ever and I didn’t get any one to read it before posting it so I need your comments to know how it goes and where to improve on.



15 thoughts on “I See Her” by Theo Iyonor (@teesaint)

  1. @teesaint. This is lovely , I love the way it started and ended as a dream. For a first poem this is a job well done.

    1. @danjuma thank u 4 reading and for commenting , I appreciate it.

  2. I loved it! Forn a minute it felt like a reply to my poem “if eyes could speak”. For a first poem, its beautiful.

    1. thank you @mayree
      I loved that ‘if eyes could speak’ twaa just so great

  3. @teesaint I don’t usually click on poetry works in naijastories.com but I’m glad I clicked on this.. Totally worth my time and for a first poetry piece,, you’re pretty good.. *thumbs up*

    1. thank you @screamingviola
      I really appreciate your comment and I always look forward to your stories bcos they always got SID :-)

  4. A really decent first effort.
    I’ll have to bring @praize into this.

    1. @anakadrian thanks for the correction and also for bringing @praize to it too

      I’ll try as much as possible to heed to the corrections.

  5. I wouldn’t call it ‘decent’ like @anakadrian , I would say it’s beautiful…this is a ‘beautiful masterpiece’……wonderful imagery too. I can’t but wonder if you have a sweet mouth in person too…
    The first line was my fav, then the eight line. You should check the sixth line though, there’s a little error I guess.
    ‘Her cute SMILES MAKES me think…’ should have been either:
    ‘Her cute SMILE MAKES me think…’ or,
    ‘Her cute SMILES MAKE me think…’ (subject verb agreement)
    Also I must not fail to point out that for me, the early parts of the poem already gave the overwhelming feeling of A DREAM even before that last line…this isn’t necessarily a good thing, most poets don’t want their work to be predictable, I myself have a little problem with regular pattern of poems so I’m trying to do some ‘shaking off’….’predictable’ isn’t always good thing @teesaint …We’re all looking forward to your next poem.

    Well done

    1. It’s really good, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a masterpiece; considering the none-existent rhyme scheme, with the way the lines tend to read like prose.
      If they weren’t spaced out as they are here in verses, (and possibly if ‘her’ is replaced with ‘you/your’) this could pass for a good love letter. As a poem, not so much. (My opinion though)
      I’m sure it’s not enjambment @teesaint had in mind with this, either.

      The imagery isn’t spectacular. A good effort, though.

      Yeah, I know rhyming is not compulsory. I’ve read some excellent poetry without it. But I’ll still say that though it’s good writing, this didn’t just have that ‘wow’ effect on me… Not to mention the other corrections you pointed out, @praize

    2. @praize thank you Sir
      I’ll work on its predictability as you’ve said.

  6. It’s a nice start. You painted a picture of an extraordinary beauty with your lines. Thumbs up. But then, just like @anakadrian said, it could pass for a good work of prose without the spacing. In short, it was more prosaic than poetic. But it was beautifully done. I look forward to more from you @teesaint. More grace.

  7. @anakadrian My mentor and ‘teacher poet’ (lol) says all poems are masterpieces…’priceless it is-any creativity the mind invents’ ….I do agree with him…that gave me the much needed freedom to express myself when I write poems…
    I’m a fan of good rhymes, I use them a lot! A lot! But wait a sec, who was it that told me on NS she didn’t like poems with rhymes?? I don’t know if majority feel that way now…I employ rhymes, and even METER in my poems, but I doubt if anyone ever notices, I can’t remember the last time I read a poem with metre on NS. The last I remember was Bubblina.
    You remember @sibbylwhyte ?? Now those are arguably masterpieces, but for now, dear Adrian, let these be ones be ‘beautiful masterpieces’ ….
    And personally, I believe the imagery is a really good one for a first poem, mine was much more worse and erratic….For @teesaint , it’s a start, and a really good one, looking forward to your upcoming poems.
    See ya around, Adrian.

    1. Thanks @Chijy
      @praize thanks once again
      Yes @Kay0496 , first poem and first literary piece ever, I just read but now I think m gonna be writing too. Thanks
      Promise y’all see d effects of these corrections in d next piece.

  8. A first poem ever?! That’s Hard To Believe! This is a beautiful piece

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