I opened the door to see who it was that knocked. Anita, whose contact I’d lost after her family moved out of the neighbourhood ten years ago when she was nine and I, seven, showed up out of the blue that Friday evening when I was all alone at home. She’d grown into an irresistibly beautiful lady. She was wearing a purple sleaveless satin gown that revealed her voluptous and eye-catching figure as it fitted tightly. I froze, my eyes boring holes into her from head to toe.
“Fred?” she beamed, her white eyes glowing.
“Anita! What a surprise!” I forced a smile, struggling to compose myself. She walked in and got herself seated while I headed for the bathroom.
As I opened the door to come out after peeing, I met Anny standing right there with a smile which spelt mischief. She began loosing the buttons of my shirt. I opened my mouth like a fish in water, a stupid look on my face. She started to caress my chest with her fingers as soon as she was done with taking off my shirt. My heart beat faster, it was something I had never experienced. I wanted to push her away and tell her that it was wrong, that it was a sin before God, but it seemed like there was a magnetic force that held my will down. Slowly, sensually, she began licking my nipples. I shivered like a rain-beaten cold-stricken hen. Instinctively, I placed my hand on her waist, not sure of what next to do, my hands vibrating. She advanced to my lips, parting them with hers, and sucking slowly, and I found myself sucking back. I surprised myself, where I learnt what I did next I did not know. I held her tight, closing in every inch of space between us, and once again my hands instinctively grabbed her big round smooth soft behind, rubbing and jerking, and she produced soft moans while she deepened her kisses, rocking my whole mouth with vigour.
And that was how it went on for three more minutes before Anny let me go. My breath became shaky as I struggled to control its speed. Everything had happened so fast. I couldn’t bring myself to stare at her face which still had that look of mischief.
She soon said goodbye and left. And then, slowly, all the Bible verses and all the pieces of advice against what had just happened, which had suddenly flown off my head, started trooping in one after the other. I then realized what I had done to myself. How foolishly I had acted. I went back to the bathroom and brushed my mouth really hard, but I couldn’t brush off the memories of those passionate sucks. I washed my hands several times but the memories of the feeling of the roundness and smoothness and softness of Anita’s big buttocks wouldn’t wash off.
“You don’t look okay, what’s up?” Desmond my younger brother, fifteen, arrived much later.
“It’s nothing, I just have a headache” I didn’t know when the lie flew out.
Desmond screwed his face, a quizzical look on it, I could sense his doubt, but then, he had no other choice than to believe.
I cried all through the night. The scene kept replaying in my head. I hated myself, and I hated Anita too. I prayed for forgiveness many times, but it seemed to me that God had turned a deaf ear to my prayers.
Anny came again, and again, and again, and I could never resist. I soon became used to it and even gained mastery of skills in the act. My conscience became immuned to the guilt of it. One minute, I was leading the choir in a song in church, the next minute, I was sucking Anny’s bulging breasts in the toilet or some secluded spot. That was how miserable my life became. I was gentle humble and God-fearing, the role model of many, the world could see that, but then, I was a black-hearted debauched person too, a hypocrite. I couldn’t for sure say who I was. But I think, the latter was the real me.
I stood, frozen, my eyes almost popping out of their sockets, my hands over my mouth as I looked from the window. It was Desmond on the sofa, fondling a girl, almost swallowing up her lips, and the girl’s hand, inside his boxers!
“Let’s stop now, Desmond. What if Fred comes in?”
“Fred? Is he any better? Hasn’t he done even worse things with that devil, Anita? Don’t be decieved, Fred isn’t who you think he is. He can’t tell me to stop”
Only then did I realised what ruin I’d caused. But it was late, it was already two years since it all started. Tears flowed freely from my cheeks.
“You can’t be doing this now Des” I told him after throwing the useless girl out of the house.
“Oh really? Were you any better? Are you any better?”
“You don’t understand. What I did wasn’t the right thing”
“You can tell it to the chorristers in church, but to me, don’t even think about it!”
“Let me be!”
I’m a change person now. But Desmond never changed. He kept growing worse until HIV found him. Now he is calm, but his life is ruined, because of me. I’ve learned that I’m not living for myself alone. I have learned that my life serves as a written epistle of the ethics of morality, to be read by the ignorant.