I had found my wife. However, all that changed the day she invited me to her church.
Here, I must take a moment to tell you about my religious life. On a scale of 1 – 10, if I were being generous, I would peg it at 1.5. Sure, I believe in God and all that but going to church is not something I look forward to. Truth be told, church bores me. More so, I don’t like to be preached at. I mean, I realise I’m a sinner and I’m going to die and burn in hell for eons but I simply don’t need a weekly reminder. So on the few occasions that I have to go to church, I get there late. Very late, like 15 minutes to the end of the service. So when Bimpe asked me to attend the deliverance service at her church, I reluctantly agreed. True to form, I arrived late.
As I walked into church, the action on the pulpit immediately caught my attention. I saw a line of girls in a queue and judging by the noise and falls, I guessed it was deliverance time. Unbelievably, I saw Bimpe in line and it was soon her turn. Deliverance? Deliverance is for people possessed with one evil spirit or the other, right? I watched dumbfounded as she walked up to the Pastor, a venerable looking man with grey hair. He laid his right hand on her and before long, she started jerking from head to toe. A moment later, she fell to the ground in a daze. Bimpe was possessed!
I jumped to my feet and sprinted out of the church, barely noticing the curious look on the face of the usher. It was all falling into place now: the yellow pawpaw skin, the love at first sight, her proficiency at cooking. I should have known Bimpe was a witch sent to bring me down, for whatever reason. Oh God! As I stumbled blindly to my hostel, I remembered my mom warning me to steer clear of fair-complexioned girls. She had gone to an Aladura who told her to warn her son because one mammy water lady had been sent to bewitch him. Little wonder I did not remember mom’s warning earlier. I was sure Bimpe was the very daughter of the devil, progeny of evil and destruction.
When I got to my room, I composed a lengthy text message – 3 pages, I think – in which I cursed her and the day I met her. I cursed her ancestors and her generations yet unborn. I told her that God had exposed her plan to kill me and she was now doomed to eat of her own medicine. A childish streak overcame me and I added that I had a steady girlfriend and she was just one of my side chicks – just to spite her. I sent the message and then smiled as I saw “Message sent,” and then “Message delivered.” I dropped my phone on the table, fell on my bed and wept for almost half an hour. After exhausting myself both physically and emotionally, I slept for the next ten hours.
On my way to class the next day, I happened to pass by Bimpe’s department and it was just my luck to see her walking right in front of me with another girl. I wanted to change course immediately but what the girl was saying caught my attention.
“The drama at yesterday’s service was fantastic. The deliverance scene was particularly convincing. Have you thought about acting professionally? You’re obviously talented.”
I must have fainted because the next time I opened my eyes, I was at the University Health Centre.