My phone is still under repairs for screen damage. By the way, isn’t there a disparity in sound between an accidental drop and a deliberate smash?
So, news had reached her her high school besties (the last of her unmarried mates, actually) would be tying the knot two months of each other. We’ve never been the same since.
First came the mawkish displays:
“Aw, have marital vows been more sweetly exchanged? Just when he breathed those words and slid the ring in her dainty finger, could Kim have made Krickitt a happier woman!”
Emoting heavily for a first time is quite understandable, but not when we were seeing “The Vow” for no less than the eleventh darn time. She’d get over it, pretty soon, I shrug.
No, she wouldn’t. Didn’t.
Succeeded by subtle idea planting. [The mistake I made on that day was to ask how her day had been]:
“Oh Boo, you really need to hear what happened to me today. I lost an ear ring,” carefully separating the last two words like they weren’t meant to be pronounced as one. While I’m no newbie in nonverbal cues, I let that slide. Slips of the tongue happen every other day, I dismissed.
Desired feedback not forthcoming from my end, awkward sentence insertions became her next antic:
“I first thought ‘tmust have fallen off my ear amid the bustle at Central Park—does that location ring?”
“And can you believe I never took notice until I got within my ring of friends?”
Now whatever was wrong with ” ‘circle’ of friends”!
(Trust me, it’s been over two years together, so I know her regular combination of words too well.)
Forced enunciations weren’t left out either:
“Can you imagine all that, Daring!”
Goodness, did the middle alphabet need be murdered in that last word just to make a point? And who’s her Daring?
“It was embarrassing yet so hilarious I was eager to share. But then your line wouldn’t go through when I tried to give you a ring.”
Okay now ‘Call’ has become a banned word or something?
“I guessed ’twas due to poor signal conside-ring…”
My insides churned in discontent. I’ve had enough.
“Spare me already, would you?”
“How d’you mean, Dear?” feigning incomprehension.
“Oh really?” my facial muscles snapping. “Here’s how: Convos for the past couple of weeks have been riddled, punctuated and battered with ‘rings.’ If today it ain’t ‘Morning Boo, how are you fa-ring?’, tomorrow it’d be ‘Mine, when’d our next night out be occur-ring?’ or ‘Aw, Honey thanks for that compliment, it’s so stir-ring,’ the day after. What is this, Lord of the Rings?”
“C’mon Honey, I was only—”
“Candy Crush. I was offe-ring you my tablet PC,” making sure her third finger—the engagement ring finger—is obstructing my view of what she claims to be showing me, “so you could see what I am sco-ring.”
OMG, for simplicity’s sake would ‘Here’s my score’ not have sufficed?
But I knew better than to say a word (yet). You don’t counter the subliminal using the obvious.
“Oh, my bad. I was going to say, ‘Don’t….mind my lack of concentration.'”
“Oh. All right.”
Contemplative, I housed my temples between two index fingers.
“Nothing. Er, well… maybe a lil’ headache.”
“Aw, Darling. There there. Let me go b-ring some Aspirin.”
Believe me when I tell you she affixed a ‘g’ to that last word too!
Counter-mischief brews in my head.
While panning to my quotes app, I respond, “No, thanks. I think it’s because I’ve been mulling ceaselessly over this quote. Quite thought-provoking.” I slid my phone across to her and looked away to avert a possible reaction, although what occurred next made me wish I hadn’t, because she simply claimed it was an accident.
My iPhone 6 plus is still under…uh, okay, I said that before.
By the way, the quote was something like: “Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.”