THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A NON-EXISTENT NOLLYWOOD MOVIE
A door opens dam dam … a feet is seen protruding through the door dam dam dam … out comes a “young boy” ( Saint Obi ) … he looks left dam dam dam dam … he looks right … dam dam … he sees a pot of soup tuk tuk tuk tuk …. he heads for the pot of soup tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk … he opens the pot dam dam gbish gbish, he puts his hand inside, and brings out a large piece of meat dam dam, he closes his eyes for effect and proceeds to introduce the large piece of kpomo to his miserable mouth … and then, just as Kpomo and yellow teeth are about to be acquainted ….. DAAAAAAAAM!!!!! From nowhere comes his wicked step-mother (Patience “mama G” Uzokwor) wielding a N.E.P.A pole (it was supposed to be a very large cane, but these nollywood people are overdramatic ) with a fit of epileptic rage she screams ….. EMEKA!!!!
WATCH OUT FOR PART 2
Ask yourself, what happened in the aforementioned scene. Stop! Stop it right there! I know what you’re thinking … You’re thinking she caught the aforementioned Emeka stealing the aforementioned kpomo, right? Well you’re only half right. Yes, she caught him stealing meat, but no, his name was not EMEKA!!! Who then is Emeka? Why did she scream Emeka? Where is Emeka? To find the answer to this mystery of life, WATCH OUT FOR PART 2
Disclaimer; the producers of the aforementioned movie have exhausted their budget, they need you to donate points and shares, so as to continue filming on part 2 … Love
YOU KNOW EMEKA!!!!!! PERSONALLY
Okay, let me tell you the story, EMEKA!!! is not a man of flesh and blood, you reading this have experienced EMEKA!!! you know EMEKA!!! you just don’t know it yet. Okay, let me reunite you with EMEKA!!! Ladies remember that time you and your neighbor Baba Frayo pikin, Bomboy were reenacting Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet under the mango tree? Fellas, what of when you forgot to reducing the volume of the TV while watching Mapouka; Big Booty Mamas Vol 2 and then your mum barged in? Do you remember EMEKA!!! now?
THE LEGEND BEGINS
One Lumen afternoon, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the trees swayed in the wind, it was a good day to sleep, a good day to eat, a good day to dance. But since we were not allowed to sleep, eat or dance, all we saw was a good day to get slapped … I was taking a stroll when I over heard a boy say “oboy that EMEKA bucket”. Me being a fresher good for nothing but being slapped, starved and sent on herculean errands, I assumed he was talking about a bucket owned by a boy named Emeka. But like you I was wrong, until I came face to face with EMEKA!!! one Sunday morning, then another Sunday evening, then another and then everyday for the rest of my stay, morning, evening and night, I met EMEKA!!! I saw EMEKA!!!!’S ugly face.
I had lost my uniform, or I had not washed it because the school authorities did not provide me with water, but yet expected me to somehow not look like Old Roger resurrected from his grave, old roger is dead and gone to his grave hum ha, gone to his grave. Well, that evening while the students advanced to the chapel to pray, I was still in my underwear, I knew what was coming, I would never dry my clothes in time for evening prayers. Everywhere became silent, the students had all been chased out of the hostel surroundings, I ran and hid, in my little mind I knew I had done evil, I had DODGED. I knew I should have been scared, terrified, afraid, but I could only think of one thing ……….. “what’s for supper?”. So hungry little truant proceeded to the kitchen to see whats cooking, hungry little truant saw three hungry big truants seated there, they were dodging too, they were my seniors, but in crime all Lumen boys became brethren, and when it was time for soakis too, so little truant and big truants sat down together and bonded, we were one, we were dodgers, we were hungry, and most importantly, we were in our underwear. So the hungry truants were not going anywhere that day. Just as we were in the middle of our gist … “kitchen women beans sweet pass my mama beans” one hungry truant said, just then we felt the ground tremble beneath our feet, an earthquake hitting 9.0 on the Ritcher scale, what was this? RAPTURE!!!!! we were done for, the angels sounded their trumpets, the moon turned to blood and creatures with the body of a lion, the head of a mosquito, and the buttocks of an antelope charged at us, flogging us left and right, chanting “suffer you hungry sinner, suffer” .. Okay, I seem to have gone too far here, forgive … I wasn’t an earthquake, it wasn’t the rapture that caused the ground to shake, for seconds later we saw, our Principal, the 300 pound Father Theo “T.I” Itaman, and then we wished it had been the rapture. T.I had been out for a jog, today of all days, really? when he should have been in the chapel doing benediction, it was Sunday evening for crying out loud, who jogs on the sabbath day … but then again T.I was the boss, he was not just any boss today, today he was a boss on an evening jog, he was in an Olympic state of mind. He saw us, we saw him, there was no where to run, we had been EMEKA!!!ED by T.I himself … shit…. Hail Mary …. pray for us sinners …. for we are about to die.
T.I: Ehen? What are you doing here?
Hungry Truants: Father … em em… um .. we.. um ..
T.I: Go and kneel down in front of my house
Hungry truants: YES FATHER
T.I: where are you!! better be fast.
Like a boss, T.I jogged off having left instructions for us to go sign our death warrants, but little did he know that in the face of EMEKA!!! Lumen boys spoke and interpreted a different language, you see, ” go and kneel down in front of my house” was the message, but what we understood was “go hide ye’selves in the pit toilet”.. we thanked him for a wonderful advice and proceeded to hide in the pit latrine till benediction was over. Now it was time for the ultimate … It was time for FOOD. Somehow our uniforms magically became dry, I don’t know how it happened, and we blended in with the boys, and proceeded to supper, T.I didn’t bother to look for us, for all he knew we may have fled to the borders of Mexico. Not to say that we would flee to Mexico that’s just crazy, we hadn’t eaten night food yet? haba.
This was just one of many, if I were to elaborate on how many times I was EMEKA!!!ed it would fill the space of an Oxford dictionary. That day marked the beginning of numerous crampings to come. Fast forward five years later, 4:45am, the morning bell had sounded, time for an ice cold water bath, in the ice cold weather, I wasn’t having none of that, so I hid till it was time to go for mass, as the hostels cleared by 5:30am, I proceeded with my dodging, I sneaked into another hostel, found a bed, and lay my head. I dreamed of this morning’s breakfast, sweet Mona bread, with battery acid that was supposed to be tea, as I was about to bite my succulent Mona, the worst happened … sweet Mona all of a sudden transformed into the abominable Iyomon bread… It was a nightmare, well more like morningmare, the Iyomon bread let out a stream of war cries, “come out” “come out” … I arose from this bad dream, I rubbed my eyes, it was only just a dream. Time to go back to dream, hopefully my mona bread would return, and I would forget all about that dreadful Iyomon bread … “I said come out, come out”. WAIT!! it wasn’t just a dream it was the seminarian who had been doing a routine search when he came across students hiding in the bathroom, now with a cane in his hands, feeling like Samurai Jack, he was fishing us out, hunting us down, beating us up, I heard the screams, boys crying out, asses being whipped, I was a dead man, immediately I rushed to a big cupboard, opened it, squeezed in there were two of my fellow comrades, I opened the next cupboard, in there was another truant like myself, I looked under the bed, hiding there were two sharp guys, then I looked under the next bed, VACANCY at last! I did a Jet Li roll under the bed, seconds later, there came in a roaring Brother Valentine, the cane wielding seminarian, in his mind the sword wielding samurai come to rid the hostel of all evil little truants, he entered the corner where six of us took refuge, in the big lockers or under the bed. He hurriedly shook the lockers, raged round the corned, shook the beds and then…. all of a sudden the most amazing thing happened …. he turned and left… How was it possible, that he didn’t catch us? I didn’t care then, don’t care now.. I escaped EMEKA!!! that day, and that’s all that mattered.
Well lets not leave out the day I hid in a locker, it was time for inspection, and I had hid in the hostel during Sunday mass, I didn’t get out early enough and behold, Inspection time! I hid in a locker, when the hostel was opened I heard T.I come in, then I heard him say “El Nino, KC Wizz Da Beazy Beez” …. that sounded familiar I thought to myself …… WAIT!!! wasn’t that the inscription written on the locker I was hiding in? and that’s how I knew I had met my waterloo. Well lets just say, me and T.I had our reunion that day, for on one Sunday evening 4 years ago he had EMEKA!!!ed me, and now 4 years later, on a Sunday morning he had EMEKA!!!ed me again… call it Kuwe and T.I’s 4th year anniversary party, for as he opened the locker to see me sitting there, every one present in the hostel screamed EEEEEMMMMMEEEEKKKKAAAA!!!!!!
P.S. My bro Kidjesse was in another locker a few corners away, and the public screamed EMEKA!!! once again as he was caught. This story leaves one important question unanswered…
T.I was jogging that evening, but why was he jogging to the Kitchen? why not the Library? the field? the classes? WHY THE KITCHEN?????