The rest of the week went swiftly. Nothing really interesting happened. No more looking from afar and smacking my lips like a lion skemping a gazelle. All I did was read the text that jasmine sent over and over again, each time biting my lower lip harder and smacking my spirit man for not forging ahead with the advances. “Dapo, you are just so stupid” I kept repeating to myself.
I tried calling her or messaging her but I couldn’t simply mask the courage to do it. I always imagined her reply and you should know I have a very wild imagination. What I saw wasn’t pretty.
The text message became my own personal rhapsody of realities that I read and meditate upon daily. I pick the letters and words one by one like I’m rehearsing for a casting audition. Yes! I was pathetic, in love with someone who saw my kporikpo when it was still the size of that small maths set pencil. I’m sure you are familiar with the pencil, that is of course if you went to primary school.
Before I could say Jack Robinson, it was already the first Saturday of the next month. The wedding of Jasmine and Tayo was happening live. “Dapo, is there fuel in the sequia?” dad asked as he was putting on his agbada, feeling fly like he is the bride’s father.
“Yes sir, I bought it yesterday” I replied.
“Very well, when the decorators are through with the car take it to the church and join the bridal train there. You would be the one to drive the bride and groom to the reception” he said now adjusting his cap which was clearly too small for him. I don’t know if the tailor was wearing bra on his eyes when he was sewing the cloth.
“What? Dad? Can’t anybody else drive them. I mean, I might be busy or something” I replied
“You know I don’t like just anyone driving my SUV, besides, the reception is in your secondary school hall. You will know the road better and you can lead other people to the venue” he said, this time his overly small cap was carefully placed on the head after much effort to squeeze the head in. I don’t even know how he can think in the cap sef. The stuff squeezed the head so tightly, giving the head a weird pear-like shape. God forgive me.
I really wanted to avoid going to the wedding, seeing that incredibly handsome looking homicide provoking guy from kissing jasmine in front of the whole wide world. All the plans had gone well. I had planned to lie that I was going to school to fill a form in my faculty office but Adejoke over heard me on the phone discussing the treachery with Ugo and she threatened to tell on me. Oh yes, she has mastered the art of blackmail. How do you think I sat through all the Barbie collections and two season of victorious. I mean, I can frigging sing the theme song of Barbie and the three musketeers.
Anyways, I couldn’t do what she asked from me this time so I decided to just chill and accept whatever happens that day.
“Hey! I’m through with the car now, you can take it” the decorator guy with large titties said. I just walked over, collected the car keys from him and gave him the card of the place I gym. He now gave me this look that spelt ‘bomb dey your head’. I mean let’s face it, the man’s flesh will suffice as meat for the reception food. Two per plate oh.
I was finally at the church. I avoided eye contact with jasmine all through. We did the processional hymn, down to the opening hymn and all the remaining wedding shebang. I really didn’t care about the order of service. I was only concerned with two parts. The you may kiss the bride part and the if you are against this holy union, talk now or forever hold your peace part. Oh, I so wouldn’t hold my peace.
After all said and done, the minister asked if there was anybody who was against the marriage and on impulse I just stood up. There was a large AAAAAWWWWWW in the church as everybody looked at me. I’m sure it has never happened at any wedding. I mean damn it! The question was rhetorical and was just supposed to be a formality. I really don’t know why I stood up.
I had died while standing, jasmine looking at me with disgust, Tayo looking at me with rage the audience looking at me with astonishment and the only thing I could say when the pastor asked why I was standing was, “im sorry, I want to go and pupu” and I ran out. Remi followed me.
“Dapo, what was the meaning of that stunt you pulled in there” Remi asked me with such disappointment in her face. I just walked out of her sight. Couldn’t bear the embarrassment of my little sister scolding me. Nah! Not now, not ever.
The service eventually came to a glorious ending and I still remained the designated driver of the newly wedded couple. After my blatant exhibition of epic stupidity, everybody was giving me the stink face especially the grooms mother. Apparently the grooms father just came out of a severe stroke attack and was sitting on a wheelchair. The little show I put on caused the poor man to piss on his body. They shouldn’t blame me though. He knew he had stroke and he was drinking Harp before the service like tomorrow no dey.
I couldn’t even snap with the couple, I was too ashamed to show my face. Anyways, we got into the car and after many roborebe, we proceeded on our journey to the reception which was like a 15 minute drive from the church. Both the couples gave me the silent treatment. As if just to spite me, the groom started kissing “his wife”, shoving his lips and sticking his tongue down her throat. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the rear mirror. The only sight worse than this was when I walked into my mum and dad doing the nasty when I was about 11 years old. The image is forever burnt to the back of my head. Scarred me for life.
To prevent further torture, I purposely climbed a speed breaker with speed which made the car shake and disturbed Paloma and Diego.
“Hey, can you take it easy please” Jasmine said with a rather calm tone
“I’m sorry, I was avoiding a squirrel” I replied
“Really? a squirrel in lekki. That’s a first” the groom sarcastically replied with his baritone voice.
“God punish you” I just thought to myself.
We eventually arrived at my secondary school. The school has one of the biggest halls in the area. Being in the school gave me nostalgia. Seeing the different spots where various atrocities were committed. I saw the place where we flew fence to eat Iya chidera’s eba igbo, where we hijack junior students, give them 20 naira, tell them to buy 3 gala, one lacasera and two UAC cakes and bring back change.
Reminiscing the old days actually made me smile for at least a minute even amidst my present problems.
The couple got down from the car and the celebration started. There were some really pretty girls in this party. At least, I fed my eyes while walking. There was this game a friend and I normally play. We go about looking at girls and guessing their relationship status.
The first girl I saw was wearing a pink gown and very nice shoes, she was chatting and smiling sheepishly, really seemed engrossed in it. I take it she is dating, talking to her boyfriend who is telling her “honey, you are mi corazon” sorry for the Spanish reference, it comes with being half-Puerto Rican.
However, there was no way in hell the next girl I saw could have a boyfriend. She had this unkempt low cut and a pointed mouth that made her look like Godzilla or those dinosaurs from Jurassic park. Her nose was broad like roofing sheet and her teeth scattered like calculator. Honestly, even Goliath in the bible would reject her.
After much skemping, it was time for the couples to dance forward to their seat. As the music started, a pregnant lady just walked up to the stage, snatched the microphone from the MC and shouted “TAYO, COME AND CLAIM YOUR UNBORN CHILD OH”. Jasmine fainted.