STORY REVIEW: THOSE VERY WORDS
NaijaStories is a platform for writers to express themselves. The author is a member, with the avatar ‘Sarah Ukot.’
Now, this morning, you are taking a walk , alternating between muttering and loudly cursing your wife. You hate her for doing what she did and unknowingly letting your son know. The bitch hadn’t had the courtesy to be certain of his continued ignorance. She knew about your temper. She had talked to you about it. And yet, she had pushed you. She had done the unforgivable. ‘Screw you’, you scream, and you wonder why you hadn’t thought of screwing her before chopping her up. And to think you’d loved her with every cell in your body…
You blink back tears and draw the cold air into your lungs, trying to clear your thoughts. And then you hear it. No. You listen to it. You’ve been absent-mindedly hearing the cheery Christmas songs that are audible in the streets, but this one has caught your attention. You stop walking to listen, and everything slows down.
” I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep down the stairs
To have a peep…”
This is the end of your sanity, and you know it, as you realize why the lyrics sound familiar.
A man, married, had a wife. And a son. They had migrated to another country. The job of the man kept him very busy; with a stern boss, the experience was only imaginable.
He had to work on Christmas night. As he returned the next day, his wife was asleep and their child away. He stumbled upon the child’s journal and misconstrued the writings there for real-life event. It was actually the lyrics of a Christmas carol his son was possibly working on. He got mad, thinking the wife was cheating on him, he went on to act on the thought.
He murdered her. In cold blood. Attended to the son’s need and laid to rest that night.
The next day he heard a song playing in the neighbourhood with the same lyrics of the song. He lost it. Expectedly.
Using a second person point of view, the author did tick right with her style, suspense build-up and what-have-you. The tense usage, grammar and punctuations were on point.
Little hitches here and there like:
You’d sent your family to this country three years ago, and your wife had become a registered nurse. She made more money than you did, but it never really mattered. She was still the good girl you married in your country. This is the same country the family in consideration is living in. After leaving a previous one. The appropriate should have been ‘brought’ or something.
The author should have allowed the readers fill certain voids on their own. Instance: You saw them in your son’s journal yesterday (at the beginning). While nothing stops you from adding certain info, the ‘at the beginning’ was just amateurish. There were a few other gaffes in the tale but it wasn’t very noticeable.
The choice of the second person POV was awesome and it was deftly executed though there is a chance for improvement. The length of the piece: 960 words fitted the story’s intent. In all, an outstanding content here, Sarah Ukot.
The AustineReviews team rates this piece 67%. Keep writing.
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