Chidi unlocks the door with his key and walks into his apartment. The delicious smell of onugbu soup fills his nostrils. Ah yes, Paulina has created yet another culinary masterpiece. Chai, why does she have to be so good in the kitchen? And so good in bed for that matter. It will make tonight all the more difficult. Well, let me at least chop first; it’s been a long day at the bank.
Paulina: Chidi? Is that you darling?
Chidi: Yes baby, I’m home. The food smells fantastic. You have done it again o!
Paulina: Just for you babe! You know I make sure my man eats right.
Chidi smiles at her. Thank goodness for that. All these other shameful I-be-feminist-so-I-no-dey-cook girls don annoy me finish.
Chidi: Na you biko!
Chidi takes off his jacket and plops on the couch in the living room. He turns on the TV to ESPN; Serena is outperforming in another tennis match, as expected. Paulina walks over to Chidi with a tray of fufu and soup.
Paulina: Here you go sweerie…sweet soup for my sweet man.
Chidi: You dey spoil me you dis girl!
Paulina: Hahaha. Stop it baby. You know I love you now. Why won’t I spoil you small?
Chidi smiles and gives Paulina a small kiss on the lips. Paulina sits down on the couch next to Chidi. Before Chidi can put one ball of fufu in his mouth Paulina interrupts his happy moment.
Paulina: Sweerie, I forgot to remind you this morning before you left but I need $5,000.
Chidi does not look up from his food. Here she goes again with her gold-digging nonsense.
Chidi: For what Paulina?
Paulina looks at him in shock.
Paulina: Are you really asking me that kind of question? Look at my hair. Don’t you see how old it is? Look at my nails, they’re a mess. Look at my phone, it’s not good anymore. Everything needs to be changed!
Chidi looks her up and down in annoyance. Is this girl mad?
Chidi: Paulina, is that not the same hair you fixed last week?
Paulina: Yes? So what? It’s too old, I’ve had it for over a week! No self-respecting girl carries the same hair for over a week!
Chidi: Is it not the same new BlackBerry I bought you a month ago that you’re carrying?
Paulina: And so what? The newest BB Torch just came out a few days ago. Do you want me to be the only one carrying this archaic phone and embarrass myself in front of my friends?
Chidi stares at her with a quizzical look on his face. Archaic? Why is she sounding so local all of a sudden?
Chidi: Paulina, I cannot give you $5,000. I don’t have it.
Paulina jumps up from the seat.
Paulina: What! Chidi! Are you mentally alright? Is this your plan to punish me? All my friends have boyfriends that are dropping cash with no questions and you are here acting like one wicked slave master! Give me my money jo!
Chidi: Be quiet Paulina, you are shouting too much. I do not have anything to give you.
Paulina shakes her head and her hands fly in the air.
Paulina: Chai! What kind of trash is this? Ewoooo, oh my goodness. So you’re cheating on me! You must be cheating on me, that’s why you don’t want to give me my money o! Who is the harlot you have been sleeping with? Who is the girl you have been spending my money ration on? Slut!
Chidi: You are running mad. I’m not cheating on you. In fact all of this is too much for me. I was going to tell you this later but I don’t have energy to continue even one more second of this. Paulina, I’m breaking up with you.
Paulina: Excuse me????
Chidi: I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. You are too much. Every morning I wake up it is “Chidi, give me money for this…Chidi, give me money for that.” You are too money-hungry! I won’t lie I enjoy your food and the sex is good but you are too much of a headache! If I stay with you soon I will not have a penny left!
Paulina sits back down on the couch.
Paulina: Chidi, you don chop serious craze. You, breakup with me? E no go happen.
Chidi’s mouth drops.
Chidi: I thought you said you didn’t speak pidgin English when I met you?
Paulina: Hahahahahaha! Dunce. And you also believed me when I said I was raised in Abuja abi? Let me shine small knowledge for your daft eye. I be original Delta girl. I dey eat pidgin for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Na Warri brothers raise me. If you think say you go do me anyhow, you go see serious suffering now.
Chidi looks at her with disgusted shock. What nonsense have I entered here?
Chidi: Paulina, get your things and leave my house.
Paulina: Na lie.
Chidi: Paulina, get your things and leave my house now.
Chidi rises up from the couch and shouts in Paulina’s face.
Chidi: Get out of my house now!
Paulina jumps up and gets in Chidi’s face.
Paulina: You are mad. Where do you think I will go? Which car do I have? I am not going anywhere. Na me and you go stay for this apartment. In fact, na me and you go die here sef.
Chidi: Get out!!!
Paulina: I no go go. Na me be your girlfriend. Shebi you wanted my body? You don get am. Now you go have am forever. Next time you will learn how to close your eye when you see as fine girl dey pass. Idiot.
Chidi’s mouth drops as he looks at the serious look on Paulina’s face. Oh god! Why me?
Chidi: Are you mad? Have you gone insane
Paulina: Na now you don figure that one out? Daft. I dey mad since.
Chidi: Paulina, if you don’t get out now I will beat the hell out of you here!
Paulina starts clapping her hands and grabs the knife on the kitchen table.
Chidi: Heh! You dey point knife at me?
Paulina: Biko, beat me Chidi! Beat me! If you lay one of those your dirty fingers on me I will kill you in this apartment. Do you hear me? I go knife you here. You don forget I be Warri girl. Don’t try me.
Chidi: Oh my god!
Paulina: Abeg shut up and sit down. You better settle down and eat your food, the soup don cold.
Chidi looks at her in shock and sits down.
Paulina is still with the knife in hand pointing it at Chidi.
Paulina: Eat my food jo before I knife you here!
Chidi: Ok, ok, sorry! I’m eating it.
Chidi dips some of the fufu in the cold soup and puts it in his mouth.
Paulina: Ehe. Good, good. Shebi it’s tasty?
Chidi is silent.
Paulina: No be question I ask you Chidi! I go knife you now o!
Chidi: Yes! Yes! It is sweet.
Paulina: Good, now that’s better.
Chidi continues eating slowly.
Paulina: I dey go inside the bathroom. I never shower since morning preparing this your food. By the time I come out my money go dey for table abi?
Paulina: Good boy. I will keep the knife with me for now. Just in case your mind turns stupid again.
Paulina walks into the bathroom with the knife in her hand and turns on the shower. As she’s undressing to get in she yells out.
Paulina: Oh, Chidi honey?
Paulina: Na me and you forever sweerie. Na me and you.
Chidi is frozen in response. Na me and her? Na me and her! Chai! All this because I followed yansh? How will I survive this one now? god save me o!!!