Super Human

 

Some magicians can walk on water; I can swim on land.

I trim my beards with a chainsaw. I won the pole vault championship in the Olympics using a broom stick. I push on doors that say pull and they still open. When I hang a picture, it normally dies. I built Rome in a day. When I say jump, you ask for permission to come down. I boil my water with my own rage. I can count the number of corners in a circle. I once won a staring contest against my own reflection. My future is so bright; the sun’s got to use sun shades. I once got three women pregnant at once during a conference call. I’ve never arrived at a traffic light when it’s red; it turns green when I arrive. When we need to find something, we ask Google. When Google needs to find something, it asks me. When I hit puberty, it died. I counted to infinity twice. I built the hospital I was born in. Time waits for no man unless that man is me. I can speak Braille. I can smoke cigarette under water. The quickest way to a man’s heart is my fist. Onions don’t make me cry; I make onions cry. I’m not scared of my grades dropping; I write 5.0 and hang it high up and dare it to drop. I don’t mow my lawn; I stand over the grass and dare it to grow. I once stared at the sun for half an hour; the sun blinked. I’m my nightmare’s worst nightmare.



33 thoughts on “Super Human” by bunmiril (@bunmiril)

  1. Funnily descriptive of no ordinary man… a nice one!

    1. @innoalifa thanks for stopping by and dropping a nice comment; I appreciate.

  2. @bunmiril, you’re welcome!

  3. Creative. Funny. Nice one.

    My best lines……
    I once won a staring contest against my own reflections.
    When I hit puberty, it died.

    1. @namdi thanks for the nice comment.

  4. Really super, nice work

    1. @okemejames thanks for reading and the nice comment.

  5. Wow, Wonder Who This Human Is So I Can Meet Him Cos We Have A Familiar Super Power, For Me I Can Get Pregnant And Have The Baby The Same Day Yet Before The Day Runs Out, The Baby Ill Be Fully Grown. Very Funny
    Liked Your Post

    1. @sarah lol. Thanks for reading and liking my post.

  6. Wow! Just wow…this piece hit me…Awesome!

    1. @ayobare thanks for reading and wowing. I’m glad you loved it.

  7. lol!

    This should have been a poem! But then, its a flash and also works.

    Nice pictures you conjured there…thought provoking

    1. @afronuts I realised I should have made it into a poem after it had been posted but i’m glad you still liked it. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  8. I have not even marked my one week anniversary on this site, i was still doing a familiarization tour of the various offerings here when i saw this. I knew instantly the writer would have had no other person in mind writing this than me. These are attributes easily traceable to me and I’m sure we would have met before, sometime ago in the future. This is the kind of writing that makes me beat my chest and dare it to cry. Brilliant piece nevertheless, my regards.

    1. @kingsleyA I was actually writing a biography on you; lol.
      I’m also sure we’ve met in the future sometime in the past.
      Thanks for reading and loving.

  9. Ha! This is one of the coolest posts i’ve come across.
    I can almost imagine the speaker with a ruler straight face and some dark shades on. lol
    My best part is probably the entire piece but these lines really tripped me:
    >I don’t mow my lawn; I stand over the grass and dare it to grow.
    >I once stared at the sun for half an hour; the sun blinked.
    >When I hit puberty, it died.

    Witty and creative. Love it. Alot.
    :)

  10. @kwiksie thanks for loving the entire piece; I appreciate.

  11. This is great and beautiful… my best line, because it is my need now is ‘I’m not scared of my grades dropping; I write 5.0 and hang it high up and dare it to drop.’
    Wish I could too!

    1. @levuz thanks for thinking it great and beautiful. I also wish I could do same to my grades.

  12. You have a very imaginative mind and you shouldn’t lack for stories. I was drawn by d first line and amazed at your ability to conjure ‘what if’ scenarios and make them yours. Do try your hand ant Sci fi or African fantasy. I think this piece could have gone up one more notch ( not that its not already up there with some of the best works I’ve read) if you had continued in d same line of just stating exactly what you do in a line with out a previous line explaining. Eg –

  13. I don’t mow my lawn, I dare the grass to grow. My grades font fall, I hang the 5.0 and it doesn’t dare come down – like that. Its just word arrangements anyway, doesnt take away from ur brilliant piece. Another eg – I make onions cry – is enough to tell us everything, u did nt need to tell us, onions don’t make u cry. Hope u get?

    1. @funpen Yeah. I totally understand what you’re trying to say; points taken.

  14. This was so good….ah wish I could stand on my lawn and dare it to grow, and stare at the sun until it blinks.

    1. @ufuomaotebele i’m glad you liked it; I wish I could really do some of these things.

  15. The best Vanity piece have read.
    This is why Super human stories, and movies sell out; especially when exaggerated beyond reality.
    Superman, Spiderman, ……we all at sometime fantasize, wishing we could be like them.
    I like your style, delivery, and choice of words.
    There’s no perfect work, only frameworks for others to continue with. (Sounds like what Da Vinci would say).
    Keep it up.

    1. @whyte thanks for stopping by and dropping your comment.

  16. woopsie! intriguing lines!

    1. @basseyperfecta thanks for reading and dropping a nice comment.

  17. This is hilarious. ‘When i hit puberty, it died’. That is classic! Well done @bunmiril

    1. @mcsnol thanks for reading and finding it hilarious.

  18. @bunmiril …..Haaaaa! I never knew you’re such a comedian. You wan kill me with laff. I love the creativity!!!!

  19. This looks like a compilation of things super-powers that people ascribe to Chuck Norris. #JustSaying

  20. This looks like a compilation of things people say about Chuck Norris- the super powers ascribed to him. #JustSaying.

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