Some magicians can walk on water; I can swim on land.
I trim my beards with a chainsaw. I won the pole vault championship in the Olympics using a broom stick. I push on doors that say pull and they still open. When I hang a picture, it normally dies. I built Rome in a day. When I say jump, you ask for permission to come down. I boil my water with my own rage. I can count the number of corners in a circle. I once won a staring contest against my own reflection. My future is so bright; the sun’s got to use sun shades. I once got three women pregnant at once during a conference call. I’ve never arrived at a traffic light when it’s red; it turns green when I arrive. When we need to find something, we ask Google. When Google needs to find something, it asks me. When I hit puberty, it died. I counted to infinity twice. I built the hospital I was born in. Time waits for no man unless that man is me. I can speak Braille. I can smoke cigarette under water. The quickest way to a man’s heart is my fist. Onions don’t make me cry; I make onions cry. I’m not scared of my grades dropping; I write 5.0 and hang it high up and dare it to drop. I don’t mow my lawn; I stand over the grass and dare it to grow. I once stared at the sun for half an hour; the sun blinked. I’m my nightmare’s worst nightmare.