Tamara and Chloe part 1

Tamara and Chloe part 1

Riiiing riiiing,that was the sound of my phone,who the hell would be calling me this Saturday morning,I won’t stand up,riiing riiing,the phone started ringing again,I managed to drag myself to the edge of my bed,looked at my phone,I couldn’t recognise the number so I picked it up…hello,am I speaking with Tamara James….yes….I said who is this,I knew I was rude but I’m not in the mood to talk and more so I just woke up,this is Dr Jane mason from messiah hospital…OK…what can I do for you..I asked…your friend sally Jones ask me to call you, she has been on admission for over a year now and she requested to see you. I was too shock to speak,sally still have the gut to try to speak to me after what she did,is she crazy? Sally use to be my best friend and I love like a sister but she hurt me……hello that was the doctors voice are you there??? Yes I’m here,what did she want I asked,I don’t know but I think it is very important, please try and see her today,she doesn’t have much time. What the hell is the doctor saying..what do you mean by that,sally has cancer,oh my God,I was shocked…OK doctor Im coming right away…alright I will be expecting you miss James,bye for now and the line went dead in my hand.

Two hours later,I was at the entrance of the hospital,I can’t believeim here or am going to see sally again after I told her that k would never speak to her again. I climbed up the stairs and saw a nurse who directed me to her room. As I entered,I saw her on the bed,she was as thin as a broomstick,I swore I could see her bones,different tubes were connected to her and she seems to be having trouble breathing. Then she saw me and I broke down,I couldn’t bear the sight, it was horrible,I ran to her and tried to hug her but those tubes stopped me,the only thing I could do was just to hold her hand and kissed her forehead.I noticed then that she was crying but that was difficult for her too. I looked at my sick friend and I couldn’t believe that this thin ugly person use to be plump,pretty and jovial. I kissed her forehead,she looked at me and said ….I’m sorry. This is not the time to apologise,every strand of anger I had in me disappeared immediately I saw her.sssshhh,don’t talk.then I held her hands. We were in that position for what it seems like hours,then she spoke,Tamara darling,I know have hurt you but I need your help,I don’t have much time and **she stopped,she tried to breath and then continue..I need your help and I know you are the only one that can help me that’s why I asked the doctor to call you

I will do anything for you sally,name it,she looked at me and said u want you to give Chloe a home when I’m gone,WHAT I screamed I would love to do anything for my friend but I don’t think I can do,in case you were wondering, chloe is Sally’s five year old daughter, don’t you have anybody else that can do it? She said no,you know I have no siblings and I don’t want my baby to live in an orphanage like we did.I looked at her and shook my head,there’s no way I can do that,I’m not married,I work from 7 to 7 everyday under a wicked boss,my house is so small,I can barely breath in it,I’m not ready for any extra hand.see sally,I would love to help you but I cant ,I’m sorry. Sally started crying again,pls Tamara,pls my baby needs a mother and I can’t be that anymore, can’t you see I’m just holding on for her,its hard to let go. I started crying again then I asked that where is she,she’s at Stephen center children’s home.what I screamed that place that is no place for a child to grow up,yes she said but you know she can’t stay with me here in the hospital. I don’t want her to see me this way,u want her to remember how pretty her mum was. She was right,sally base turned to a living corpse,I told her I was going to think about it and its time for her to rest. She smiled and closed her eyes,I didn’t leave her side for a moment, I just thought about our childhood. We both grew up in an orphanage, we never knew our parents and the nurses there don’t seem to care about us,we learned to take care of our selves at a very tender age. Sally was a fat girl when they brought her to the orphanage, she was bullied by the other kids and I came to her rescue since then we were inseparable. We both excelled when in our studies and we were both given scholarships to study in any universityof our choice,that was our escape from the orphanage
I didn’t know I dozed off already until I felt someone touched me,I opened my eyes and I saw Sally smiling at me.you awake already…kind if,I’m thirsty. I stood up and went to get her some water from the dispenser. She took it and said thanks and as she was about to doze off,she took my hands and said Thank you. I smiled and kissed her one more time as she went back to sleep. I dozed off again and I didn’t wake up until morninv ,I opened my eyes and looked at my friend ,then I knew.sally Jones my best friend is gone forever

12 thoughts on “Tamara and Chloe part 1” by stephanie (@stephethel)

  1. The issues with this piece are much:
    – Punctuation and spacing issues.
    – Sentences were just too long.
    – Name of characters started with small letters in some places.
    – Wrongly spelt words.
    – The abbreviations you used were not so cool e.g pls
    – In two or three places, you typed ‘u’ instead of ‘I’.

    1. @namdi ,Thanks so much,I wrote this story in a rush and I didn’t notice the mistakes.

    2. I noticed the lapses too.

  2. In addition, you wrote seems where you were supposed to write seemed.

  3. Waiting on part 2, guessing there is more yet to be told. Welldone Stephanie

    1. @Blackgold, thanks for reading.

  4. Sometimes it is the structure that kills a story no matter how interesting or promising it is.

    Never write in a rush. Respect the art.

    1. @Hymar, Thank you very much

  5. This story can be better.
    Please rewrite it if you can.@Namdi has mentioned some issues.
    I really like the story and the themes you dealt with here.

    Try to separate your dialogue from your narration.
    Also, do get someone else to go through your work when you have edited it over and over again.
    Keep reading and writing Stephanie.

    1. Thanks @olajumoke, I will work on the story.

  6. The story (aside errors) is beautiful. Kill errors in the next part and let’s enjoy it together!

    Keep w r I t I n g!

Leave a Reply