I just want to know why. All I want is a reason. A reason for why you did what you did. A reason for why you chose me. A reason for why you decided to come into my life and break me. A reason for how you left me. Damaged. Broken. Depressed. Regretful.
I just want to know why you did it. I want to understand what you did to me. Why I still love you so much. Why you allowed me create a place in my heart for you and you left me void and struggling for balance. Why you left me empty and alone. Why my tears are never enough. Why I can’t seem to cry you out of my system. I want to know why you will always have a part of me devoted to you.
I want to hate you so bad. I want to wish you dead. I want to be angry at you. I want to hate you as much as I love you right now. But I just can’t. I want to know why. Why I still want happiness for you but at the same time I get jealous when I see you with any other girl. Every time my memory conjures you up, the pain I feel is INDESCRIBABLE. The hurt in my chest. The gaping hole you left when you decided to up and vanish. You dint even end it. You just left without a word. Woke up one day and you were gone.
You left me sorry. sorry for my unknown mistakes. Sorry for whatever I did or dint do to make you vanish…
I am not sure I want you back. I am not also sure I want you gone totally. I am not sure of anything anymore. I am not sure of myself and what I am supposed to do now. I planned a life around you and you left and left me with nothing. I had to retract into my shell. Into the void of my soul. Into the large hole you left. I don’t know what I am writing now. Neither do I know if you will read it. All I know is it’s out there…
People say writing helps you to heal. But this is doing nothing for me. The hurt is still there. I am not sure it would ever be fully gone. Or maybe it would. I don’t know. All I know is this feels right. Or I think it does. I am just tired of crying. Trying to empty my soul. Trying to purge you away from me. I want you out of my system. Please.
Why did you have to come into my life and pretend.? Of all the people out there why chose me to damage. You have reduced me to a shadow of myself. Hurt like this unfelt. Wall built around to shield myself. Facades created to protect. I now know how to smile with my face alone. You left me numb. Wishing for more. Wishing for you. I am not sure i would feel again. Without real emotions. I want to feel again so bad. I want to know what it feels like. How it feels to be happy. To be at peace. I’m in turmoil. My soul at war with unseen things. I don’t know what I want.
I guess I just want to know why. And I don’t think an explanation would make me feel better. Maybe I would hate you then. Or stop loving you. You turned me into mush. Unfeeling mush. What I never used to me. Everything speaks to me now. Movies. Songs. I really want to feel again. To be once more. What have you done to me.? What did you do. Please come and end it. Take it away. Tears flowing but they never finish. I am sweating but I don’t want to stop. I can’t stop.
I just want to be normal again. I want to be free. Free from your captivity. From everything you stand for. I want this to stop. PLEASE. Save me from myself. From you. I know I have healed. I am not the same way I was initially. But then I have stopped healing… Doubting if I would ever be fully cured of you. Of the “YOU” virus. I want to heal some more. Get better but I can’t. I want to move past. I just can’t. I need help. I never used to be like this. What did you do.?
I need to be fixed.
Fix me back..
“Ife yii gaa o”
“Ife yii lee o”
“Ife to ma dundundun bi oyin”
-Niyola “toh bad”