Ahmadu

Ahmadu

Ahmadu drove at breakneck speed to his mistress’s house. He needed to unwind at her place as his wife was nagging him about his twin daughters’ school fees.
Let them drop out, he thought, they are of no use anyway. He had always longed for a son but his wife, Aishat had failed to give him any after having the girls. After 17 years of marriage, all he had to show for were two miserable girls who will end up in another man’s kitchen. He had started taking his anger out on Aishat. I only hit her mildly this evening, he thought.
His present hope for a son was Leila his mistress. Leila is a 21-year-old undergraduate at the university. She is tall, slim with smooth ebony skin and a dimple when she smiled.
He had forgotten that Aishat too used to be like that until she had his children and was a victim of his beatings. He had reduced spending money on his household because Leila needed the best clothes and money.
He smiled when he was about to turn into the street where he had rented an apartment for her. He needed to share his good news with her. He had just been paid the money for his last contract. It was the biggest contract he had ever won. He had not told her he was coming to see her; it was supposed to be a surprise visit.
Seidu his childhood friend who is now his lawyer had advised him to write a will when he shared the news with him. I do not need to write any will now, he thought, I am still a healthy man and at 58 years old, I look at least 10 years younger.
When he got to Leila’s apartment, he knocked but there was no response. He was surprised because he had glimpsed the car he bought for her last birthday in the compound.
Therefore, he used his spare key to open the door.
Leila was truly in the apartment but she was with a female friend and one man. They were all naked and having a threesome. She saw him and stood up from her doggy style position on the floor.
Ahmed opened his mouth but no words came out. Then he felt his eyes closing and then it was all darkness for him.

—-
Aishat was using some ice as cold compress on her chest. She was wearing a wrapper round her waist and nothing else. Her eyes were red and her face was puffy. She wondered about how long she was going to continue to suffer beatings like this. She needed to plan, she thought. She pressed her lips in a thin line and took out her mobile phone from her purse. She went to the calculator menu. She calculated her savings from her clothes store and the money she had pilfered from Ahmadu for some months. She knew of all her husband’s business activities and about Leila. She kept her ears to the ground but kept her mouth shut.
“I don’t want to die before my time. My beastly husband will marry Leila anyway. I haven’t asked him for the children’s school fees in the past five years but when I decide to ask him because my business has not been doing well lately, see what he does to me,” she said to herself.
She and her husband used to love each other until he started getting obsessed with the idea of a male child. She had wanted to continue to love him in spite of all the beatings but last year, her husband had beat her so hard that she had lost her 3-month-old pregnancy.
Her late friend, Binta had always urged her to find a way to leave before he killed her. Binta was the wife of her husband’s friend, Seidu. The couple had always intervened in her matter until Binta’s death during an accident some months after Aishat’s miscarriage. Now, Seidu seemed to be too occupied with mourning for his wife to bother about who was beating who.
A knock at the door jolted her out of her reverie. She quickly wore a blouse and cleaned her face with the end of her wrapper. Her 15-year-old daughters, Simbi and Sidi opened the door and came in.
“Mom, uncle Seidu is here. He said he needs to see you right away. Isn’t it strange that he is asking for you when daddy isn’t home?” Simbi said.
“Tell him I am coming,” Aishat replied.
Simbi left but Sidi waited.
“What are you waiting for?” her mother asked.
“You have been crying, haven’t you? He beat you again, didn’t he?” Sidi said. She had always been more perceptive than her sister.
“Go downstairs. I will meet all of you there soon. Go now,” her mother said while evading her questions.
She shrugged her shoulders and left.
Aishatu went to the bathroom to wash her face and wear something more presentable to welcome their guest. Then she went downstairs to greet him.
Immediately she saw his face, she knew something was wrong.
“What happened? How are your children?” she asked without her usual greetings to him.
“They are fine.”
“So why are your eyes so red? Tell me what’s wrong.”
“It is Ahmadu. He had a heart attack and…”
“And what?” she asked with alarm in her voice.
“He is dead,” Seidu said.



32 thoughts on “Ahmadu” by faithomo (@faithomo)

  1. Family issues. You can write this better.

    Good plot. And thumbs up for this.

    *KG*

    1. Thanks @kodeya. I will get better next time

  2. Nice story line but you have to re structure the sentences.

  3. I wonder she’ll be happy or sad about this news.
    Well done.

  4. Nice story.

    The more we write, the better it gets.

    Each piece should be better than the last…..guess that’s one of my goals in writing. You are free to adopt it too.

  5. The things that women cause… Well he deserved what he got. What did he expect? Faithfulness from his mistress? The idea that she was his mistress invalidates any form of faithfulness…

    This needs a lot of editing and the narrative voice was weak… It lacked the emotional component that draws us into the character’s mind..

    Well done

  6. Good piece, but like @topazo I really didn’t feel the telling. Keep writing, it only gets better.

  7. nice read,looking forward to the next episode

  8. @kodeya Thanks Kay. I was just trying to tell a story using the characters’ thought processes and with less dialogue – sort of like a psycho analysis. I hope to get better next time

  9. @Nalongo. Thanks I will put that mind

  10. @bunmiril I appreciate your comments.It is up to the readers to make their conclusions on how she ay feel

  11. @namdi Thanks for your comments and criticism. I will put that in mind…you seemed to sound a little too smug with that “you are free to adopt it”#just saying

    1. @ faithomo…..

      No. I didn’t mean it that way.

  12. Thank you. I will apply your suggestions to my next work @topazo

  13. @clemency Thanks for reading and commenting… I see your point

  14. @ivy I am glad you liked it… this is not a series;the readers are free to draw their conclusions on what Aishatu will do

  15. Nice one, men seem to forget having a male child does not only depend on the woman. What can the poor woman do if the X chromosome fertilizes her egg first? Na wa for men that suffer heart attack when they see their ‘concubine’ in compromising situations o. I bet Leila will just continue enjoying her lyf, I hope Aishatu does the same.
    Well done!

    1. Thanks @Bibbie. It is saddening but what can we women do except to be strong

  16. Serves the idiot right….

    Nice one faith

    1. I appreciate your always reading and commenting. Thanks@schatzilein

  17. Reads like a plot for a nollywood flick.

    But I feel this same story could be written differently and given a more profound twist at the end.
    The way you wrote it made it predictable.

    You will definitely get better as you keep writing and reading up on others.

    Well done.

    1. Nollywood flick? heh heh! Thanks. You are right about writing the story better than it is. I should do better next time

    2. Nollywood flick? heh heh! Thanks. You are right about writing the story better than it is. I should do better next time @Afronuts

  18. The first paragraph was awful. You nearly in just a few lines summed up what the story was all about and killed off further interest. Hey, try spoonfeeding the reader instead of jamming everything down his throat at once.

    Touch it up.

    1. @Hymar Thanks. I will do that

  19. @hymar already told you the correct thing and @topaxo was right too…
    But for me, you will make a good folktale story teller… becos from the begging, You broke the SHOW AND DON’T TELL rule.
    You did not show me anything…. you told me everything and that simply makes the story boring to me at the early point…
    But it was a nice plot… Ahmadu got what he deserved…. thumbs up for that.

    1. @Fadehan Folktale Writer? Haha! I will put wat you advised in mind. Thanks

  20. I did nt enjoy reading this….cool anyway
    keep writing

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting. I really should be getting better not worse @Omoniyi

  21. I think you are probably one of those writers that need to be writing longer stories.
    I have to say, I struggle too to write shorter pieces.
    You could have made it longer and focused more on aspects of the story. That way it wouldn’t have read like a plot. Also, you could have shown us how he battered her, how she found out about the affair…..things like that are what makes the readers connect to your characters.
    But I like this story. You just need to give it ‘life’ and trim the bits that are not necessary.
    Keep writing Faith.
    Well done.

    1. @olajumoke Maybe you are right, Jumoke. I can imagine the scenario that would have played out if I had gone according to your suggestion. Many thanks

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