Driving Sun

Driving Sun

African Sunset

It was like a Sun’s city or City of the Sun
With her ubiquitious seductive rays of gold
Hovering everywhere as I drove on a fast lane
Too far and near, and near and far she roved
up and down; and down and up, she shone!
The graceful African Sunset was everywhere
The closer it seemed I came so close to her
The farther she blended far away, still near
By my right , she hovered again admist trees
And soon hid as if we were on hide and seek
Next was half of her face on the tarred road
As if waiting to be caught by me, her lover
Yet, she giggled off to hills as I approached
Glidding ceremoniously through the clouds
Now loosing elegance, brilliance and grace
As the Sun slumped subtly to set in slumber!



7 thoughts on “Driving Sun” by ostar (@ostar)

  1. Not bad. I feel yhu should have reworded and rewrote till it read like a Jay Jay Okocha shimmy.

  2. …this is good Oster …but can be made better, trust me….well done

  3. First off, I love that even a layman can understand this. And that is a big plus since even some pros don’t understand your obscurist poems.
    I have had this hide and seek game lots of time, so I can say your imagery is good. However, you can pump the lines a little more.
    Lovely poem, Ostar. $ß.

  4. It’s the way of the world, birth and death. Even the sun commits that crime called hubris, and when it does, it dies; and when it dies, it must resurrect again only to commit it again…in a continuous web of events.

    However, the work could do with one paragraph only.

  5. @Hymar
    @Omoniyi
    @sibbylwhyte
    @Chime221

    Would form a thesis, antithesis and then synthesis!
    Thanks.

  6. Hmm… I don’t know if the idea of a playful sun at sunset worked for me, @ostar. I think of sunsets as more sedate, serene occasions.

    Pay attention:

    “drove on a fast lane” > “drove on the fast lane” or “drove fast”

    “as if we were on hide and seek” > “as if we were playing hide and seek”

    “Glidding ceremoniously” > “Gliding ceremoniously”

    “loosing elegance” > “losing elegance”

  7. @TolaO that’s great. Thanks so much. I was driving when the Muse inspired this piece;
    the sun was actually playing sedately, serenely on every side of the road. I had to stop
    to capture some of her smiling images as she subtly went home gloriously.

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