The Long Distance Relationship 2

 

In my room, eating some cookies and a glass of milk, was starving just came out of the shower some minutes ago, so I decided to Log into my Skype account, saw some request but saw a picture which got my attention. I saw his picture and I was immediately attracted to him, his eyes were light brown, with sexy full lips and he was spotting a piece of diamond on his left ear, looking down more and I know this guy works out because I can see his pack through his wife beater, (licked my lips) couldn’t see the other part but damnnn!!!! he is looking fine and sexy with his chocolate color. Then I checked his name and I was surprise to see that it was Udoh’s friend that I spoke with on the phone, well at least Udoh didn’t disappoint me in knowing I love fine and sexy guys especially with this guy I am looking at. I got excited, I accepted his friends request and I saw he wasn’t online, I was disappointed. I went to the kitchen to get water, came back and I saw a blinking orange light that notifies me when someone sends me a message, looked at it and I saw it was Ade who messaged me, I got all tingling about this guy that I haven’t even seen or met but decided to reply him.

 

Ade_yemi: Hey

 

Esther101: Hi

 

Ade_yemi: Am good and u?

 

Esther101: Am good, what are u still doing up, because I know your time zone is 7hrs ahead of us, so if am right it 11:50pm over there

 

Ade_yemi: Yea you are right, I don’t sleep till 3 in the morning, because I sleep in the afternoon so it hard for me to sleep in the night. Can I see u?

 

Esther101: Ok but give me some min

 

Rushed into my closet looking for a comfortable cloth, putting on some top and leggings, pulled my hair up and putting lip gloss and looking at myself in the mirror, pushing my bra up see my boobs popping and looking delicious, went back into my room

 

Esther101: call me

 

Ade_yemi: kkk

 

I picked up the call and the cam was loading and then I saw this sexy, cute guy better than the picture, I opened my mouth and I gasped, he smiled and said damn you looking good Esther. I looked at him and I was blushing, don’t know if he noticed. He heard me gasped; I think he has that effect on girls because he smirked at me, and he was damned right because he looks so hot. Ade asked me to stand up so he can see me, I stood up and he said turn around and when I turned fully, I think this guy like what he see because he had this expression on his face. I told him to stand up and he smiled at him and then this boy looks so damn good, I can feel some effect through my bra and in between my legs, I told him to turn around and he did, I wanted to spank that ass because he butt was so sexy in those Jeans, it filled it out, I was salivating thinking of how my legs will be wrapped around his waist.

 

 

PS- To those who read my story and commenting on it, well thanks for your feedback I would improve on my writing skill and this is the first story I ever thought of writing so please keep encouraging me. Comment if there is anything you want me to fix.

 



12 thoughts on “The Long Distance Relationship 2” by yinkus (@yinkus101)

  1. @yinkus101
    Hi there,
    there’s so much that needs to be fixed. But first I must say, you’re bold and I think you’re ready to learn; at least you took some of the suggestions that were made the last time.
    That said, you still seem to be struggling with making up your mind about making this work a prose or a play or you simply do not know how to do either. The first paragraph was enough to make me run away, but I read through any way.
    Please, you do not eat a glass of milk and who came out of the shower some minutes ago, ‘was starving?’
    Wow, so many tense errors; damn, too many punctuation errors and omissions, even concord blunders here and there. Intention here is not to burst your burbles! Read more, I think you’ll learn better and faster that way. In the end Yinka, there’s no harm in trying. Well done!

  2. Okay. Your PS got to me… I love the fact that you actually tried to make this better than the last..

    For the story, I actually laughed at the antics of the two of them via web chat.
    Okay… Try not write as you speak, except in dialogues. In speech, we may leave out some words, and talk at twenty words per second, but you have to include most of that in writing.
    Compare to your opening lines.
    I had just got gotten out of the shower, and heard the grumbling of my stomach. Starving, I fixed up a cup of milk and some cookies to calm the growling. Munching a cookie, I logged into my Skype account and saw a friend-request, but a picture caught my attention…
    I realise that you are writing informally, but try and make your tenses gel, and read ALOUD to yourself or someone else. That way you get out things that sound wrong. Read, read, read widely.
    Well done, Yinkus. Keep writing and getting better. $ß

  3. Sighs. why you no listen when we tell you for the first post say drama no dey flow with prose na?

    I am waiting for part 3 before I take hot water and Omo wash my hands off you….chuckling.

    Of cos, I am kidding. Afterall there was a time I couldn’t even write better than you are doing now.

    More Work To Be Done.

  4. @yinkus101, you need to work harder dear. Even award winning writers, do have to continue working really hard. so please use the above feedback. I like the fact that you cherish feedback. Take time with the third part – polish it until it reads better. Welldone Yinkus.

  5. Why would somebody get himself all that worked up.

  6. Good try but make recommended corrections.

  7. I love the fact that you love feedback.

    You have an idea of what you want to say but you have to ask yourself how best to say it.

    I guess you love the breezy style which is good.

    Check your grammar. Use simple sentences and avoid complex ones.

    “I was starving, and decided to get a glass of milk and cookies. I couldn’t wait to get dressed, heading straight to the kitchen from the bathroom.”

    Also, make sure your tenses are consistent. If your writing in past tenses, stick to it.

    Work on making the dialogues fluid.

    “‘hi’ he typed
    ‘hello’ i replied, my heart thumping.
    ‘can i see you’ he asked and I could almost hear the drawl in his voice. I was getting flushed.
    I hurried to my wardrobe and agonized over what to wear and finally settled for a pink blouse and leggings. I quickly checked myself in the mirror and decided to add a touch of lip gloss. ”

    Also, remember to use the settings to add flesh to the narrative. Paint a picture that we can easily imagine.

    “His skin was dark contrasting the white sofa that he was sitting on. Beneath the dark tee shirt, I could see outlines of well toned muscles, evidence of regular work outs. He looked delicious.”

    Keep writing. That’s the only proven way to get better. And also, read a lot.

    Well done

  8. This would be my 1st comment here as I only got registered 2day. Nice story. I appreciate d reviews of older writers. I would recommend NS 2 all would be writers.

  9. @Yinkus, listen to the experienced writers comments, take them on board, Practice, practice, practice will make a better @yinkus. My tuppence:
    Emulate: the better writers and their styles(for now).
    Adapt: Over time you get to hone your craft and can adapt these styles to/for your own use.
    Deploy: Having tried this regimen you get to develop your own style too.Uniquely yours and deploy same.

    You are not copying/ or a copycat, you are just developing you the writer.
    Keep your pecker up and your pen writing. You will only get better.

  10. @Yinkus, good job, I like the fact that the 2nd part shows you listened to previous comments ,keep learning and keep writing.

  11. @ Yinkus, I am so proud of you girl,keep it up

  12. I’m not sure where this story is going yet, @yinkus101. I would have hoped that by the second installment, the story would be beyond casual chatting.

    As for corrections, take this paragraph:

    “In my room, eating some cookies and a glass of milk, was starving just came out of the shower some minutes ago, so I decided to Log into my Skype account, saw some request but saw a picture which got my attention. I saw his picture and I was immediately attracted to him, his eyes were light brown, with sexy full lips and he was spotting a piece of diamond on his left ear, looking down more and I know this guy works out because I can see his pack through his wife beater.”

    I would rewrite this like this:

    “I was in my room, eating some cookies and drinking a glass of milk, because I was starving. I had just come out of the shower some minutes ago and I was bored, so I decided to log into my Skype account. I saw some friend requests but it was a picture of this boy that caught my attention. I was immediately attracted to him; his eyes were light brown with sexy full lips, and he was wearing a diamond earring in his left ear. Looking more closely at the picture, I was sure that the guy worked out in the gym because I could see his six-pack through his wife beater.”

    Kr&w.

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